brainCandy

VPILF, sarah palin, calls audible, drives through full court press, participates in various other empty mixed metaphors

in case you thought she'd been living under a rock for the last 6 months, there is news from the sarah palin camp: she was not, but she's about to be. sarah palin "doesn't want to disappoint anyone with this announcement," but, she has resigned from alaska's governorship! i don't normally believe in god, but i think i just heard angels singing. so discounting the 3 months she was on the VP campaign trail, and the 1 month she spent afterward, hanging out with rachel ray, and talking about how it's a new day for women everywhere, sarah palin, once the "best" chance this country had at getting a women in executive office, has officially acted as governor of alaska for 28 months. good one. why did she do this? you ask. i'll give you 2,012 guesses.

for those of you who have seen the (ex!)governor's resignation speech, i won't even ask you to read on. you already know that no comedian can top what she herself (i hope, for her speech writer's sake, that she wrote that thing herself) pulled out of her ass, and delivered with all the gusto and charisma of a nervous 12 year old, telling her mommy she had just gotten her first period. all the while her stupid jackass kid fidgets and potty dances next to the podium, like she just got her first period. as paul begala wrote in the huffington post, "her statement was incoherent, bizarre, and juvenile. the text, as posted on gov. palin's official website, uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation". just a short snippet of her speech, verbatim, to show you how she unwittingly fucks herself (and not in that hot, nailin' paylin sort of way):

-Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won’t allow it either.

i couldn't have said it better myself. i don't think anybody wants to waste any more time and money keeping you in the governor's seat.

according to palin, she polled her kids in regards to her resignation from the governorship, and the response was, "four yeses, and one 'hell yeah', and the 'hell yeah' sealed it". i don't know if that "hell yeah" came from trip or track or troops or terror or tribble, but i know one thing: there's one little alaskan redneck who's getting a thank you card from me this xmas.

palin rambles on for some time about how her decision is based partly in her disillusionment in "politics as usual", thanks in no small part to the public and media outcry that has blasted her in the face (and not in that hot, nailin' paylin sort of way) since she hit the public eye, for being a dumb, conniving, manipulatable, bitch. palin also pounds home the notion (over and over again) that this move is what's best for alaska. no shit, you dumb, conniving, manipulatable, bitch, that's what the rest of us have been saying all along.

now, peppered amongst her horrid, drawn out sports metaphors (driving toward the basket with confidence, and keeping my head up, because i need to keep my head up to keep my eye on the basket...), she made a number of other ridiculous claims. one such claim was that she had had some sort of existential awakening while visiting troops (in kosovo? way to throw yourself into the 1995 line of fire, lady) which made her realize that we need to start spending more money on troops (like those in kosovo?), and war funding, and stop spending money on "superficial, wasteful, political bloodsport". if there is a phrase more suited to describe military actions than "superficial, wasteful, political bloodsport" i don't know what it is. but i guess the kind that lets our kids play with guns, and learn to hate dark skinned people is the kind of superficial, wasteful, political bloodsport that blows palin's signature double breasted red wool peacoat up (possibly in that hot, nailin' paylin sort of way).

but what scares me more than her blatant ignorance of sort of important statements that she herself makes only moments prior to totally contradicting herself or running off on some moot tangent, is the way in which she continues to discuss her move to step down. she repeats phrases like "we can better affect change in the world this way", or "i can do more good from outside the governor's office", and how she seeks "real climate change" (as in political climate change, she remains ignorant of real real climate change), she wants to make "change on the outside", and "her administration" will be better positioned, this way, to fight against "politics as usual". basically, she speaks not as though she is humbled, and resigning from the highest position she currently holds, but as though she has risen above, and holds a much more important position, for which she needs more time and effort redirected from her lesser gig as governor.

based on her rhetoric, anecdotes, and metaphors, i can only assume that that more important position is a run for president in 2012, or starting an alaska-based secessionist militia. either way, as nothing but a simple, humble clown, i think i will defer once again to paul begala who opened his article this-a-wise:

"i wish hunter s. thompson had lived to see this."