brainCandy

man revealed to be $23 quadrillion in debt. source of worldwide budget deficit discovered in the process.

recently, new hampshire resident josh muszynski checked his bank account balance just after purchasing a pack of cigarettes, only to discover he was over-drafted by exactly $23,148,855,308,184,500, proving that, even outside of election years, things do happen in new hampshire, just not very interesting things.

the news of this staggering accounting error sent nicholas cage spiraling into a conspiracy theory driven madness in which he began to write aramaic texts on his bathroom mirror and demand that people be more afraid of the illuminati.

more importantly, we all have our habits, our vices, if you will, but $23 quadrillion dollars? jesus h, man, breathe some fresh air once in a while. averaging six dollars a pack, muszynski must have smoked roughly 4,000,000,000,000,000 packs of cigarettes in his lifetime. i know some people like to have a smoke when they get in their car, but you don't have to buy a new car every time you need a fag, although i know one gay car enthusiast who might say different.

so on behalf of the rest of entire world, "hey, muszynski, stop buying smokes on the bank's dollar, asswipe! the rest of us would like some money, too."

of course, the account balance was due to some sort of computer glitch in the system, or so said muszynski, as he puffed on a pipe made of a finger from the actual corpse of jesus christ. he then flew his UFO back to his unicorn ranch on uranus, where he pitched batting practice to the reanimated bodies of the 1927 yankees. "i'm just a working class joe, saving up for a house," said muszynski, as he lobbed up a meatball to lou gehrig.

said muszynski of the error (that the bank made, not the one he made on that slow grounder from gehrig, only adding to the embarrassment of letting a zombie with lateral sclerosis get his bat on the ball), "i thought my card had been compromised. i thought somebody bought europe with my credit card. it was very concerning. it's a lot of money in the negative, something i could never ever afford to pay back. my children couldn't afford. grandchildren. nothin' like that". said me of muszynski's attempt to churn a reasonable sound byte out of his obviously feeble mind, "the sky is blue, the sun is hot, and you're a moron who has low expectations of his progeny".

luckily for muszynski, the bank was willing to waive the $15 over-draft fee, which, i can only assume, was the least of his worries, considering that he suddenly found himself owing what he apparently thought to be the exact net worth of the european continent and its territories. although it is curious how he just pulled that awfully specific price off the top of his head, almost as though he had recently inquired about just such a purchase (...and now that i know how much europe costs, the only thing left to do is start saving. i will especially enjoy being your overlord, moldova).

so, perhaps this muszynski fella and his 40-million-pack-a-day habit is the cause of the economic disasterfuck that we find ourselves in the midst of, or perhaps we're just putting too much faith in a system that can "accidentally" charge a guy $23 quadrillion for a pack of smokes.