it's not brainCandy, but it's totally brain candy. just when you thought the world had lost its religious bearing...

...satan speaks to a woman (in texas, no less), and tells her to cut off her baby's head and eat his brain. now that's what i'm talkin' about! of course, i think this woman is lying...

...i think god told her to do it. think about it. this story is positively abrahamic. we have received the next prophet! could this be the much anticipated 11th commandment?

thou shalt devour the delectable, juicy insides of thy firstborn's noggin?

you know, one of my favorite stories of all time is the one out of germany, where a man met a sexual partner online who openly agreed to be killed. the german man flew his potential partner/victim to germany, where they loaded up on cough medicine and other such things, the victim to a lethal level. once toasted, they engaged in sadomasochistic homosexual sex, until the victim lost consciousness, at which point the german man "finished himself off" (if you know what i mean) while his partner was either unconscious or already dead. post orgasm, as some people do, the german man got a hankering for a light snack. so he mutilated and ate the corpse. the german courts found that no charges could be pressed regarding the heinousness of the crime, as the victim had contractually agreed to everything that took place, including the eating.

this is such a fantastically twisted story, but where's the jesus fire in all this? the fact that the victim agreed to be eaten after death just goes to show that he does not believe in the after life, otherwise he might care a bit more about how his body was disposed of. and the german man finding his partner/victim online? if he were truly a pious man, he would have let god, not craigslist, choose his victim. and with no death row sentence handed down, how can this man be martyred? furthermore, homosexual sex? god would certainly not discredit his earthly voice, by requesting that he engage in any fruity backdoor stuff.

no no, this whole story smacks of godless blasphemers. besides, who is germany to get the next prophet? everyone knows america is the chosen land for the new christian world order. we get the next prophet. we called it! no fair!

meanwhile, back at crawford ranch (ok, not really in crawford, but back in texas, anyway), otty (yes otty) sanchez claims she felt the temptation of the dark lord (the one who's not voldemort) guiding her on wednesday. guiding her to chew off her 3 1/2 week old son's toes, then cut off his head, and eat his brain, after which satan apparently told her to stab herself in the heart and stomach.

ok, let's back up the popemobile here. this is why this woman must have heard god, and not the devil, speaking to her. first, i can't imagine it is that hard to kill a regular baby. unchecked, the chewing off of the baby's toes, alone, may have caused fatal bleeding. while those little piggies were going wee wee wee all the way to sanchez's lower intestine, that baby would have been going wee wee wee all the way to that ranch upstate. and we've all heard the stories of the messiah. that jesus fella wasn't so hard to kill. he died willingly, of standard mortal injuries.

so unless this baby was a zombie, why cut off his head? ahh, but there in lies the twist. sanchez ate the baby's brain, not the other way around. so perhaps it was sanchez, herself, who was the zombie. we all know zombies have an unquenchable blood lust for brains, sweet delicious braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins! and though sanchez proved, quite zombily, that she could not be killed by stab wounds to the heart or stomach, by stabbing herself when her sister made her presence in the house known, otty did not pursue her sister's tender, protein-rich brain. if she were truly a zombie, her hunger for brains surely would have driven her to lumber forward stiffly, arms in the air, take three rhythmic steps to the right, quickly turn left, then right, then left again, clap her hands over her head, shimmy her shoulders, thrust her hips, and then, ultimately lunge for her sister's head. yes, i think it's safe to say, if sanchez was a zombie, this story would have had a much more impressive dance number.

certainly neither sanchez nor the baby was a vampire, or the injuries the baby suffered wold have involved either bite marks, stake wounds to the heart, or holy water burns. so of course god told her to do it, because obviously this baby was the devil (he wasn't old enough to be on solid foods yet, but were he given the chance, it's almost certain his head would have spun around and he would have projectile vomited pureed peas all over leslie nielsen, and we won't even discuss what might have happened at his senior prom), and the only way to kill him was to cut off his head. although, i have seen enough movies to know that the truly evil must have their hearts removed, quartered, and buried at the four corners of the globe in ancient aztec urns. barring that, you are destined to be kidnapped by the coven of witches who live in the apartment next door, at which point sanchez would have slipped into a sorcery induced coma, waking up decades later to discover she has been written into a poorly executed sequel, which serves as a political allegory for the 2000 election.

and speaking of the damned trapped in an endless cycle of hell, forced to relive their mistakes over and over again. i'll be goddamned if i'm going to let some demon baby force us all to relive the last 9 years.

so i put it to you, good readers, was this woman possessed by god, or satan? or perhaps she was attempting to kill her zombie baby, and just got a little crazy there (i'll show you who eats the brains in this house, mister!),

of course there is always the possibility (read: reality) that miss otty sanchez was simply a drugged out schizophrenic who was raised on too much TV and jesus fire.

nah, that's just silly.