350 pounds of cocaine? tourist destination bestiality ranch? son of a bitch!

this is pure surviving darwinism here, people.

one douglas spink, of whatcom county, WA, was arrested on charges (no, not of running a tourist bestiality [yes, that is how it's spelled. i thought it was weird, too] ranch) of violating his parole. his parole dictates that he refrain from breaking any laws during his term.

uhhhh... duh?

but why is the man on parole?

he was busted for smuggling over 350 pounds of cocaine (street value $34mil) across washington state in the trunk of his car.

holy fuck! did they catch him when the cop pulled him over to alert him that his bumper was scrapping the pavement?

350 pounds of nose candy! that's enough to get a whole stable of horses high out of their minds...

...and segue!(jazz hands!)!!

this week, spink was caught at his home, which he apparently was using as a tourist bestiality ranch with animals ranging from horses that were hung like, uh, horses, to vaseline covered mice with amputated tails, and little tiny leashes around their necks (i wonder what they did with those... pooooop! :) ).

oddly, spink has not been charged with bestiality, or even assisting in bestiality (which is also a crime in WA, thank gawd) despite the fact that video was found of an english man fucking a dog at the ranch, and here's the best part of this brit's story: he was found still on the premises, wearing the same outfit he was wearing in the video! HA... HA... HAAAAAA!

"bloody 'ell, i didn't 'ave time to change, mate. i been up all night editing this thing. these cut away shots ain't gonna star wipe them selves, is they, guv'nah? plus dog spunk is wicked 'ard to get out of tweed."

but the plot thickens...

spink was discovered when a tennessee public defender alerted the authorities to spink's incessant calls regarding a bestiality trial in his state that involved a man filming another man being fucked by a horse. shortly after they wrapped the film, the (human) male lead died of internal injuries he sustained from having a 2 foot cock jammed up his rectum! HA... HA... HAAAAAAAAAAA!!

"yee'haw! that there pony was balls deep fer a while der, cooter! i sure do wonder where he stuck it all... hold on a cotton pickin' second, i think i gots blood comin' outta both ends. tarnation!"

now, on a serious note, there was of course also child pornography found on the ranch. but on the bright side, no children were found tied to any radiators, or living in stables, or grazing in the pastures, or anything, so hopefully we can assume this was just some stuff he found on the internet, and didn't himself abuse any more children than have already been abused, but really, who the hell knows what's going on with this guy at this point? ugh, i can just see the guy prancing around the pasture in nothing but cowboy boots making warm-fuzzy fingers at all his little "ponies". the sad thing is, being raped in prison is going to be more reward than punishment for this guy.

that said, the comedy just won't stop...

spink, who was apparently a no nonsense go go corporate takeover type in the 90's, would buy and sell lucrative small businesses for breakfast, and lists rock climbing and base jumping (not throbbing veiny stallion penis, or the delicate tickle of a mutilated rodent on his lower intestine?) as his turn ons.

of course he went broke and filed for bankruptcy with millions in outstanding debt.

great! we funded this flaccid dog wanker (best insult of the week? yesss)?!

bankruptcy in the bank, so to speak, spink began drug running across the oregon-washington border for a major pot and cocaine kingpin.

what saddens me about this story, is that none of this, not one single detail, surprises me. everything about this guy, this ranch, this story, these supporting characters says "bankrupt ex-power broker adrenaline junkie turns cocaine mule, hermits away into forested clandestine bestiality stronghold for european tourists... tennessee".

come on, man! this... this... THIS story has become cliché?

we have seen this shit so often that i actually predicted things as i was reading the article? yes, evidently we have.

we are trying to have a society, people! what the hell is wrong with us?

there is a long list of answers to that question, but let's start with this one: spink described his ranch thusly:

Exitpoint Stallions [HA... HAAAAA!] Limitee

Are we unconventional in our approach to stallion care? Absolutely.

We don't wall off sexual energy in our stallions as something dangerous or inappropriate [yes, spink, redirecting a horse's sexual energy toward human beings is ever so much safer and more appropriate than horses just fucking other horses. those deviants!], but rather channel that energy towards positive, safe, appropriate paths. There's a proper time and place for it, and we work towards those sorts of skills rather than fighting un-winnable fights against deeply-rooted instincts.

... and nobody suspected a thing.

...and he's not being charged with bestiality.

hey, maria shriver and susan g komen, beggars can't be choosers, but philanthropists can be punch-you-in-the-brainers.

designer charities...

what the what?

you know, i'm against breast cancer. further still, i would very much like to help out the developmentally disabled.

so when some charity or organization puts together a run/walk, or some other such thing, i am happy to consider offering my time and effort to draw attention to the cause, and even donate some money.

now there are a handful of orgs out there that are smart enough to go a little farther, and make the PR event something really really big. for example, susan g komen foundation has their three day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer, and maria shriver's best buddies challenge has a 100 mile bike ride for the mentally disabled.

great ideas!

it doesn't cost anything to walk or ride a bike, no matter how far, or for how long. cuts the overhead down to like nothing, plus these ludicrous distances and time frames will surely draw attention to the event, consequently the cause, and in turn bring in lots of donors.

where do i sign? says i.

sixteen hundred dollars, please. says maria shriver.

twenty-three hundred dollars please. says the ghost of susan g komen. or, more likely, says nancy g brinker, as the ghost of susan g komen rolls over in her grave.

we'll take whatever help you want to offer. says every person actually suffering from these or any other incurable disease or disability.

look, you a-holes, if i'm willing to be a tool in your little PR scheme to get donors for your cause, i actually shouldn't have to donate any money, what with me doing all the work and all. so if i'm still willing to donate some money to the cause, and do all the PR work for you, then whatever i want to donate should be just fine with you. don't tell me i can't help you unless i pay you an unreasonable amount of money for the opportunity to do so.

my god, between the majority of the population not donating anything to charity unless the GAP gives them a t-shirt to show off their fancy pants good will, and the charities themselves demanding that nobody can participate unless they have the means to become upper class by the time they show up at the event, it's a wonder god hasn't smote us yet for our incredible lack of compassion for our fellow living things.

you know, i can go to a surfrider beach cleanup event, and they don't make me pay shit, plus when i am done, they still offer me things like t shirts, CD's concert tickets, bumper stickers, reusable grocery bags, hats, magazines... the list goes on.

and what's cool about that, to me, is that i can go help out this cause, and they don't ask me for money, and i don't have to take the things they offer in return, and even if i did, they aren't things that scream to the world, "hey, look at me! i donated money to a cause, and in return i was physically rewarded for my 'donation', which was whittled down to almost nothing by the corporate middleman who is taking most of it for itself, and getting a tax kickback on the rest!"

and don't tell me i that the ghost of susan g komen, or maria shriver are offering me an experience i can't get anywhere else, and that is worth the ginormous "fundraising commitment".

let's use the shriver event for an example. first of all, your overhead on the event itself is nothing. volunteers are providing all the legwork (literally), and the post event party is being held at hearst castle, a state park. must be so hard to book that location... when your husband is the governor. and as for the band, and BBQ, let me guess, the food was donated, the servers/cooks are also volunteers, and the band is playing for free (and they probably suck). and as for the final piece of the puzzle? the part where this is all put together, and money raised? well, apparently the participants are also doing all the fundraising, and as for setting the whole thing up? once again, her hubby probably helped secure permits, and getting a band and a BBQ together isn't exactly difficult. one person with a cell phone and a BBQ could do that in the span of a standard workday.

"oh, but dave, shriver is doing 2 of these events, and one of them isn't in california, where she is first lady of the state"

true, dissenting voice in my head. the other event is in new england, starting in boston, and ending at the kennedy compound.

now those locations must have been hard to book... for a kennedy.

look, i can ride my bike up highway 1 for 655.843 miles, if i really wanted to, and on the way i could stop at hearst castle, take a tour, grab a burger for lunch somewhere, and maybe see a (good) show later, all for under $50 (the registration fee, or non-refundable cost of even attempting to participate in the shriver event), then give any amount of money i can afford to help out breast cancer research, or the mentally disabled, and know that that money is going straight to the source.

and so, i am proposing the circus' first annual (or whatever) any K ride/run/walk/swim/eat/(fill in the blank) -athon against designer charities and their corporate partnerships.

there is no entry fee, there is no fixed distance, amount, etc you must donate, complete, or overcome, and there is no particular charity you have to donate to.

all you have to do, is do something awesome that shows a willingness to sacrifice your comfort for a cause. go jog around the block, for all i care, see how many donuts you can eat before you throw up, see how long you can hold your breath underwater, but while you do it think about the cause you want to donate to. now obviously it would be better if what you were doing had some loose connection to the cause you were donating to (using a wheel chair all day, to support amputees, or playing beer pong with o'douls to support mothers against drunk drivers, for example) or had some interesting quirk that drew attention to you (jogging in a sequined unitard, or putting on a monkey suit and climbing every tree in your local park, you get the picture). but i won't dictate the commitment, because that goes against the storied tradition of the circus' first annual (or whatever) a.K.r./r./w./s./e./(f.i.t.b.)-a.a.d.c.a.t.c.p.. the only thing i deem necessary to be a part of the a.K.r./r./w./s./e./(f.i.t.b.)-a.a.d.c.a.t.c.p. is that you do something interesting and unusual (to your normal routine, or lifestyle) with a charity in mind, then you donate money straight to that charity, receiving nothing in return, except some sort of proof of donation (a receipt/confirmation email/thank you card, not a t shirt, coffee mug, gift basket).

if i can get enough people on board for this, maybe the circus will provide some t shirts for this event (that you will have to pay for, at cost, because if i gave it to you just for participating, or if i made any money off of it, it wouldn't be in the spirit of the a.K.r./r./w./s./e./(f.i.t.b.)-a.a.d.c.a.t.c.p.).

but here's what i can give you in return: for every odd thing you do for your charity (and i must have proof that you did it, take a picture, shoot some video, whatever, it must be hard evidence), i will match your effort (so long as it doesn't physically harm me to the point of outside medical care, cost me a large amount of money, or break any laws or morals deemed by myself to be just).

how's that for incentive? that ought to up the ante.

and so it was... the (fill in the blank)-athon was born, and it was good!

butterflies under glass. to an anonymous friend: an open letter, that turned into something more universal.

here's what i think ails you, and forgive me for simplifying: social networking is the cause of, and solution to, all of your problems. think about it, if not for facebook, would you have felt connected to all those people? or even had the opportunity to be? (well, yes, but pretty much, no), but on the flip side, how many updates do you wade through daily about how so-and-so is "having a great time with the wife/hubby/girlfriend/whatever", or how they "just posted new pics of the baby", or how they "love the new job!", or how they "just bought the cutest bedroom set for the new place" et cetera, infinitum, ad nauseam?

here's where a little cynicism goes a long way: most people who are facebook/twitter excited about things that can only be exciting if you get excited about conforming to societal norms (follow?) are full of shit.

and this is where a little counter culture relieves a lot of stress: say you have 150 "friends" and each one posts an update, on average, 5 times a day. on average, i'd say 1 out of 10 people has a day interesting enough to update their status twice, and that person is too busy doing interesting things to do so. therefore factor out interesting persons (numbering 15, based on my math) on the grounds that they actually fall to the low end of (or off) the posting curve due to being too busy getting awesome. your list of "friends" has already been reduced to 135 people who are not doing anything particularly enviable, and can't wait to tell you about it. multiply by 5 and thats 675 posts about how completely great it is to live a completely normal and bland existence so long as no one can accuse them of being more than one standard deviation from center.

but you are not that friend.

you should be mr 1 out of 10, too busy getting awesome to have to filter out the facebook noise, or report back to the web-o-sphere about living life in the slow lame.

and insert counter culture in 3... 2... it's ok not to care about other people.

that is, it's ok not to care about who they claim to be on their social network.

is this counter culture? not to care about other people? absolutely.

most of the time we wander about the real world not caring about actual people, then get on our social network, and care way too much about their facebook/twitter profiles.

anything can be made to seem interesting when there's no one to refute the details, and when copy/paste/delete are right at your fingertips before you let anyone read about it. if someone wants to post about pics of "perfect" them and "perfect" wifey with "perfect" baby and "perfect" labradoodle having a "perfect" day out, ask yourself...

why?

anyone important to them would easily otherwise have access to this information, thus the facebook post is merely fishing for reactions. a cry out for popular reinforcement... validation that what they are doing is ok, and a litmus test for who they themselves deem worthy of caring about, because today, who you care about is all about reciprocation. if i don't comment on your tweet, ratchet me down a notch on the friend-o-meter.

but you know what? if you don't care, it doesn't make you a bad person. and i'm not saying that people who happen to conform to, or fall into, or actually enjoy the things deemed normal by society are boring, or invalid, or wasting their lives. i'm saying, if you are really excited about your baby (new car, etc), then great, i'm happy for you. if you're really excited about me being excited about your baby (job, etc) then why not invite me to meet this baby, or take me for a ride in this car, or tell me all about this job over a drink. and if we are not willing to go that far, then we have to admit that we just don't find the same things exciting, and on those points, it's not necessary to force feed one another the "good news", nor is it necessary for us to force ourselves to pretend it's exciting to us personally (ergo i can be happy that you are happy, but i don't have to be happy because of why you are happy).

i will tell you right now: you don't care what i did today, and if i posted about it (wait, aren't i... i mean, this is...) you don't have to comment on it to be my friend, and i have no right to judge you on whether or not you do so.

here's my tweet for today "up at 5. all work and no breakie, make dave a dull boy".

and i don't want your comments on that. if i had to receive feedback on that useless nugget of my life, i'd rather it be, "sorry, dave, couldn't comment on your idiotic tweet because i was: having spectacular sex/learning conversational pashto/interviewing for a spot on the first manned mission to mars, and there's no reception: in the sub-basement levels of the white house, for security reasons/atop the amazon rainforest canopy/in the uncharted tunnels of the french catacombs, and besides my hands were: sticky from all the meringue in maddona's hottub/broken when i failed to land that ski jump over the low flying helicopter/wrist deep in a birthing indian elephant.

let's get flowery (because you know what? i heard some smarty pants professor say that language in the texting age has evolved for the better, because flowery metaphors are being edged out for more efficient rhetoric, and fuck him). imagine each one of us is a petal on a blossom, and as we grow, we find ourselves connected to other petals, and eventually this group of connections will bear fruit (not kids, but, umm, lets say "compassion"), and if we step back to see the bigger picture, there are innumerable blossoms growing from each little twig on each branch of the big tree that is our world. kinda cool, right? we are all connected, in one way or another.

well, some asshat has convinced the world that the tech age has created that tree.

ASShat.

tech networking has done no such thing.

imagine now that we are all butterflies, and we have the ability to flit about on the warm summer breezes, and like the monarchs of the santa barbara mesas, we occasionally conglomerate in small groups, large swarms, or even hordes that block out the sun.

then you bought your phone, or opened your facebook account, or started twittering, and that's a pin.

a pin stuck through your self.

and now we are all butterflies pinned under glass with a little labelmaker 140-character description posted below (order: lepidoptera, species: ego singularis, domain: cyberspace, diet: corn-based artificially flavored nutrient supplemented amorphous food logs, bacon, ranch dressing), and we may have a few friends in here with us, or maybe we don't, but most of our friends are under a different piece of glass, across the room, or even just next to us on the wall, but contained, and partitioned off from us, and we're all screaming for attention, crying for help, but there's no one listening in this big old dusty room, anymore (did i just metaphor up the death of "god"? i think i just did. goddamn, i'm awesome. i mean ___damn, i'm awesome.). and we aren't questioning what happened to the world we were promised.

fuck, man, why aren't we questioning what happened to the world?

instead we are screaming, "this is awesome! u should c my glass box, its way better than urs! imho, lol!"

we think this is the world. we think that if someone cool told us this is right, then to feel like it's wrong is our mistake.

not so.

don't do that to yourself.

but herein lies the conundrum of the social network.

if i feel happy for you, but not with you, i still want to tell you. maybe just a little note, 140 characters or less, and maybe i wouldn't usually have the time stop by and tell you in person, or send you a hallmark card, but i can certainly take the time to post on your wall. because you know what? i love you, and that's the least i can do.

so where does the world go from here?

is it ok to accept that the absolute least we can do is good enough, if we do it for as many people as possible, as often as possible?

or is it better to do a little more, a little less often?

and whichever the case, is tech networking helping or hurting the effort?

that question was not rhetorical, because this time i don't have a smart ass answer...

* * * * * * *

p.s.- an anecdote about the usefulness of facebook:

last year, when i was on facebook, i received lots of "happy 30th birthday" comments from close friends and family alike, on or around august 16, when facebook alerted my friends list that it was my birthday. some of those friends and family have been in my life so long that we actually graduated highschool together, some have even participated in throwing me birthday parties over the years, and the family? well, what can you say about family :) so for all those lovely birthday wishes, may i say: i'm not 30, and mid august is not even close.