the circus says human rights were over rated anyway. the government isn't called human servants, they're called civil servants, you whiny humans.

you may notice that my last post was inspired by the gay marriage ruling, but didn't speak on why i'm upset about the california ruling on same sex marriage, or why, specifically, i think it went down they way it did. i guess i'm just over it. as i've pointed out in an earlier post, there really was no way california could have redeemed itself to me. i'm embarrassed, on this front, to be a part of this place.

more importantly, i am embarrassed to be part of a country and, quite honestly, a civilization that has allowed civil rights, civil law, and human rights to get muddled up into one another until the latter finally got snuffed out by the two former.

and yes there is a difference between these things.

there is one fundamental human right, it's in the goddamn declaration of independence: the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. or, to put it more simply, the right to live.

a law is something that is supposed to protect the basic human right to life. for example it is my right to get blasted on vodka if i want to, but if i were to try to drive my car while drunk, i could very well put a sudden and painful stop to someone else's right to live. so there are laws against that kind of behavior.

a civil right is something that needed to be created in post, because we as humans have created a system that infringes upon that one basic human right. a civil right is a woman's right to vote; a citizen's right to medical care; things that all fall under the human right to life. laws and amendments and such are put in place to protect these rights, because, apparently, otherwise we might forget.

it makes me wonder what the hebrews behaved like before moses came down from the mount with the ten commandments...

oh, thou shall not kill? well, it's a good thing you told me. i was about to finish this guy off then go fuck his wife.

amendments 13, 14, 15, and 19 to the US constitution, for example, are not necessary. not because they were not important decisions that needed to be made, but because the abuse (or absence) of the rights that they address is not specified earlier in the constitution. what i mean to say is, nowhere in the constitution does it say, "all men are created equal except black ones, and women shall get in the kitchen and make me a goddamn sandwhich, and shall give me no sass. it's not like we're giving them the right to vote or anything". it's amendments like the aforementioned that simply point out how quickly we would devolve into an abusive and immoral wasteland if someone wasn't always watching our asses at all times. but i guess we're too stupid to figure that out.

bunch of microcephalous idiots, we are.

suggested reading:

1. the constitution

           *please try to at least read this one. i think it's too important that we all finally take some time to sit down and have a good read of this document that we live under every moment of our lives.

2. the declaration of independance

3. don't know much about history kenneth c. davis or a people's history of the united states howard zinn

4. why we can't wait martin luther king jr

*no fun stuff this time, but hey, there was no homework last time, so it all evens out.

california calls "no homo", the circus calls california "pretty gay".

alright, california, tough love time.

you think you're so cool, don't you?

well i got news for you, buddy boy: you ain't.

but i'll give you a bit of a break. you're from a large, unorthodox family. i mean number 31 of 50 kids? after the first 13, let's face it, your folks were pretty much phoning it in. you can see it in the name, i mean at first it was like, new york you're named after mom, new hampshire you're named after mom. by the time they got to us it was like, uh, you're named after some amazon person or place...thing. p.s. puerto rico is now called superbowl island.

and lets talk about your folks. all dads, weren't they?

funny that. just sayin'.

i never heard about any founding mothers.

so here we are, a middle child from a large, motherless, religious family... acting out for attention.

if the US were a sitcom, it would be full house, and california would be stephanie. sure she's the hot one now, but stephanie? come on, we can do better than that. shit, in the popularity polls we're running neck and neck with kimmy gibbler, who, for all intents and purposes is, lets say, canada, our annoying neighbor to the north.

i can see them now, ruining our garden party by letting their pet ostrich loose in the yard. 

gibbler, you hoser! get this bird out of michigan and take your stoner boyfriend with you!

and if american history were a sitcom, california is the season where they go on a trip to disneyland. that crap season right between the midwest, where the audience starts to flag, and that last season, where they totally retool, bring in alaska, that weird cousin they never mentioned before, and they all go to hawaii and jump the shark.

everyone hates our season! the disneyland season sucks!

sure uncle jessie and aunt becky share a magical kiss in front of sleeping beauty's castle, while the fireworks go off. but eventually we all go to disneyland and realize, sleeping beauty's castle is like the size of my apartment, there's fireworks every night, and this churro cost me $12.50! this isn't magical at all.

the point is, california's mystique is sort of an illusion.

everyone talks about how great we are for american politics, but oddly enough, no one ever says, "hey asshole, thanks for the reagan administration!" or "you know, nixon really sucked!"

we were a huge part of the political careers of (arguably) two of the worst presidents of all time.

we also get a lot of credit for pioneering environmental standards. but, while we did champion CAFE in the nineties, we also basically threw it out as soon as the auto and petroleum industries puffed out their chests (then coughed up a lung all over LA).

the world thinks we, california, are some kind of gay mecca.

untrue.

perhaps the bay area, but more likely just san francisco, is a gay mecca. on this fact we seem to have a selective understanding of how the world works.

granted we are home to gay mecca. we also do have a large population of open minded, progressive liberals; democrat, republican, or other. but california is a massive place, and disparately diverse in comparison to every other state. we have more people, more cars, more money, and mo' problems than any state in the union. if the bay area was a separate state, do you have any doubt that same sex marriage would have been legalized years, if not decades ago? what about pot? if soCal and norCal were separate entities, norCal's economy would be far less than half what it is now. we also wouldn't have immigration issues with mexico, and soCal probably wouldn't have marijuana policy issues. if the central valley seceded, the rest of us would have to import most of our produce and livestock. if everything south of ventura county suddenly became the people's republic of los angeles, no one would be flocking to bakersfield for the women. i never heard anyone say, "long beach...it's the cheese" or "the hip hop scene in monterey is off the hook." the skiing in san jose is terrible, and you can't find decent network reception in south shore, let alone a booming tech industry.

we've got a lot of stuff going on out here on the left coast (not to be confused with left leaning). when we present ourselves to the world, we pick and choose the things we put on our resumé. let's put it this way: within california, if the dodgers won the world series, you can believe that giants fans wouldn't go around bragging that california has the best team in baseball. and outside of california there are plenty of people who want to be big hollywood movie stars, but odds are, it ain't gonna happen if you move to fresno, or yreka (it's a place). 

so it doesn't surprise me when something like prop8 happens. most of california is not exactly a poppin' lgbt dating scene, and even less of california is generally accepting of that lifestyle at all.

to put that in political terms, more districts came in for mccain in 2008 (24 of 53), than came in against prop8 (19). 

basically, we just tell the world whatever they want to hear about california, like if you move to california you can have a same sex wedding at your sprawling beach front estate, and brangelina and robert downy jr will be there, and everyone will be smoking pot and driving cars that run on unicorn farts, and emit rainbows.

but this isn't any more true than saying, if i just aim my car east eventually harvard will issue me an honorary degree in red sox studies, and i'll eat clam chowder every morning while i ride the subway through central park to my job at the white house.

so if the jig wasn't up on california before, it is now. its a hoax, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

come on over if you want, but we're not enjoying it as much as the rest of the country thinks, that's just our laugh track you're hearing, and most of those people are dead by now.

*no homework tonight.

the circus tells poop jokes at the table.

where do i even begin discussing modern american cuisine? how about: if it looks like a troublesome bowel movement before i eat it, why would i want to put it in my mouth*?

that seems like as good a place as 

any (to start, not to put the food. directly into the toilet is still the best place for that).

so, lets bash carl's junior two raves in a row (lord i will never get tired of crapping on that place). their latest new hot shit, and i mean that quite literally, is the crispy burrito. it quite actually looks like gift wrapped dog shit. do i even need to go on?

lets.

stop putting other entrées on top of your burgers! mitch hedberg said

it so well, "i didn't buy the crackers because they were little edible plates, i just like crackers, man." take heed, carl's jr (i still don't understand what your name means), burgers are not edible plates, you don't get to elaborate on them until you figure out how to make a regular burger that passes for people food, so keep your god awful serving suggestions and your "donut ham hamburgers" to yourself.

alright, i could bash carl's jr all day...

who's next? pizza hut?

lets talk p'zzone.

specifically: shut that shit up! let me first explain the difference between pizza and a calzone:

step 1) take 1(one) pizza, fold in half

TA-fuckin'-DA! it's a calzone! there is no room to negotiate this one step to land somewhere in the middle at a p'zzone, or calz'zza. it's either a pizza or a calzone, or, admittedly, a p'zzone, which would in fact have to be a pizza creased into a V shape, which would slump all the toppings down into the trough, presumably for easy power chugging.

but hey, when is a pizza not a pizza? when its a mexican pizza, or a philly cheese pizza, or a

hamburger pizza. we let these abominations slide, but when you turn a pizza into a bowl and then stuff it with "pasta", my italian roots curl up in the fetal position on the floor of a cold shower, bleeding from all the wrong holes.

it's so cold, and i can't stop crying.

and speaking of all the wrong holes...

for your consideration, one of my favorite seinfeld quotes, "it'll be years before they find another place to hide cheese on a pizza." oh, but they did it. didn't they?

you bet they did.

how? they cut a hole in the middle of the pizza, and rolled the crust back to make stuffed crust on both ends of the slice. what?! this pizza actually costs more than a regular pizza! i am getting less dough, topings, and in fact, less cheese, than if i just got the whole fucking pie! that crust better be stuffed with dollar bills, you bastards!

don't even get me started on the japanese pizza hut offering that had pigs in a blanket crust and slider burgers for toppings (not joking, please take a moment to throw up in your mouth, i can wait)

but fast food is such an easy target. i mean i might as well be telling airline food jokes.

so here we go...what's the deal with airline food?

only kidding. lets talk crazy crap on the walls. i spent the entirety of my childhood in redwood city, and never was there an applebees. then, a few years back, up springs an applebees with all kinds of classic redwood city memorabilia, and local highschool paraphernalia on the walls, like applebees has been bein' sponsoring the team since way back (i love bad grammar almost as much as good). in addition, don't tell me i'm having fun at your restaurant, i'll tell you if i'm having fun at your restaurant...don't worry, i'll let you know...might want to pack a lunch, it could be a while. and when you pack that lunch, try not to include your fried chicken tacos, southwestern eggrolls, or hot spinach dip with pico de gallo (too be fair, those 3 items were from chili's). are we not destroying the epicurean experience fast enough? do we have to do it two cultures at a time now?

and while were on the subject of good food quickly, forget about those carl's jr turd burgers (i'm so glad i finally got to use that phrase in context), applebees offers signature "realburgers" which, in addition to being a burger thats too busy for proper spacing, is a burger that shows all those kitschy burgers from "the other guys" what a proper gut bomb is. and what is that? you might ask. well, two examples straight from the menu are "quesadilla burger" (a hamburger on a tortilla with bacon, salsa, and ranch dressing. i can just hear the rubes saying "mmm...case-ah-dill-uh burger") and "bruschetta burger" (a hamburger on focaccia bread with pesto and "fresh" "bruschetta", which is not what applebees thinks it is, i suspect. they are also running a distant second to jack in the box with this idea. you know you suck when you're trailing jack by 5 years).

is that what a real burger is? oh, baby jesus! how long were you going to let us eat those fakeburgers before you brought applebees to save us with "realburgers"?! how long?!!!! those things are neither burger, quesadilla, nor bruschetta.

but you know what? they are if they tell us they are, right? let's ask snapple.

snapple brings us to our last point: real sugar.

by jove, we've found it! and it only took us how long? decades ago we actually created a corn byproduct called high fructose corn syrup to replace actual sugar in anything and everything we put in our faces (no wonder there's always bits of corn in my poop). why we did this is still beyond me. my best guess is that somewhere along the line an entire generation of babies was dropped on their heads on the exact spot that stores the concept that we can actually eat things that grow in nature. but the beauty of it is this: for years snapple sold itself as "made from the best stuff on earth", when in fact it was made from some crap that a bunch of scientists produced in a lab. but that slogan helped snapple sales bomb past all those other drinks with the lesser ingredients, including sunny D and the purple stuff. but now that we've finally figured out how to squeeze real actual natural sugar into food (how do they do that?! oh, modern science! will your wonders never cease?) snapple touts itself as having "found better stuff", and they are going to sell a shit ton more units than ever before.

why do we put up with this shit? why are we willing to pay someone to feed us ranch dressing, bacon, pepper jack cheese, a greasy "meat" patty, and salsa on a deep fried tortilla with corn byproduct and msg?

said the kid in the school cafeteria mixing up his chocolate milk with his icy-juicy, salsbury steak, corn nibblets, and fruit cup, "it all ends up in the same place anyway, don't be a poop head!"

it's true, eventually it all ends up in the wastewater management plant outside of town. in addition, i know you are but what am i?

but...but it all comes out the same in the end right?

tell you what, you let me know how it comes out. i'll bet my money-stuffed pizza crust it looks better than when it went in.

*for the answer, ask the ladies of "2 girls 1 cup", but that's another rave altogether

suggested reading (yep, still doing that):

1. the omnivore's dilemma michael pollan

2. fast food nation eric schlosser

3. the jungle upton sinclair

suggested watching:

1. seinfeld: the chicken roasters

2. strategic grill locations mitch hedberg

3. beyond the pale jim gaffigan

4. supersize me

5. the simpsons: bart sells his soul

suggested surfing:

1. twinkie dessert recipies http://www.hostesscakes.com/recipe_list.html

the circus says: time to stick your head between your knees and shit your pants! in no particular order.

just when you thought the world was safe from mad cow, monkey pox, SARS, anthrax, west nile virus, african killer bees, bird flu, insane gas prices, salmonella in generic peanut butter, salmonella in spinach, salmonella in almonds, salmonella in tomatoes, human body parts in your chili, transfatty acids in everything, shellfish allergies, abortion crazed gay pot smoking vegan hippies, adam sandler movies, disco fever, french fries, french bread, french kissing, french stewart, and canadian civil war* comes yet another reason for elderly asian people to wear surgical masks in public: SWINE FLU!!!!!

* in an ironic twist, after 9-11, W ordered all french canadians to be called freedom canadians, but when the war struck, they were first to support the queens tyrannical rule

mon Dieu! les porcs seront nos maîtres!!!

pardon my freedom, but i'm a little freaked out here. people, if you've got any duct tape and plastic wrap left over from the anthrax scare, seal yourself into a makeshift panic room, and pray that jesus raptures your ass up to heaven before the half-man/half-pig zombies relearn how to open doors.

oh sure, the intelligencia, aka modern science, would have you believe that swine flu, like all the other things on the list of terror, is no more deadly than regular flu, no more a threat to our lives than suffocating to death in a house thathas been hermetically sealed with items i found under my kitchen sink. but who are you going to trust here? some "scientist" with some "degree" in a "relevant area of study" from an "institution of higher learning" and "years of experience in the field", or sexy local news correspondent gasia mikaelian? her name may sound like a imminent biological threat i should be cowering in horror from, but her body says, "don't fear, mi amor, i shall hold you safe next to my nurturing bosom."

one thing these quack scientists will cop to is something more shocking and appalling than the fact that we genetically alter chickens then deep fry them in transfatty acid-rich beef tallow and eat them despite bird flu, mad cow, obesity, and salmonella all being potential hazards with this plan. because, you see, when we kentucky fry our "chicken" we are proving that nature is our bitch. we are making an example of those 40lb 6 legged birds. but what i'm about to tell you now will make your head explode. this particular case of swine flu evolved from a combination of birdand swine flu!!!!!!! now i know i don't have to tell you what this means, but i will anyway. THE PIGS AND THE BIRDS ARE FUCKING, AND ITS WORKING!

gives new immediacy to the old expression, gay unicorn robots will make humans their powerless sex slave underlings when pigs fly. doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!

THE PIGS ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE-OFF, PEOPLE! and i can't stop shitting my pants long enough to load my gun with frozen meat bullets!

well i'm not going to lay around in my own feces while big mama science snow balls me (wait, that's not right...)

the scienticians tell us there have been no deaths in america due to swine flu. but when forced to honestly answer to badgering pundits, the truth comes spilling out like our guts from oozing swine flu sores (i assume), "if enough people became infected in the US, there is certainly a chance that some of those infected might die". is anyone else reading too far into this?

in case you can't see the writing on the wall here, let me spell it out for you nice and clear: if enough people are affected by something, WE ARE ALL GOING TOO DIE! think about it, people. i don't know the hard facts here, but there must be dozens of people dropping dead all over the world from all variety of causes every day. DOZENS! do you know how many a dozen is? now pluralize that by multiple! possibly that many deaths the world over, every single day!
imagine all the things we could be dying from, totally unawares. we just need to start connecting the dots. for example, did you know that only a small handful of the people who have ever been born ambidextrous are still alive?

AMBIDEXTRIA: NATURE'S TWO-HANDED KILLER!

did you also know that hardly a day goes by in which a day goes by in which a really old person does not die?
GERIATRIC PLAGUE DESTROYING SENIOR POPULATION, NO DECLINE IN USE OF 4% DISCOUNT AT DENNY'S

what about this little statistic? everyone who was alive during the american revolution IS DEAD.

CASUALTIES OF AMERICAN REVOLUTION REACH ALL TIME HIGH: ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE NEW WORLD COLONIES NOW PRESUMED DEAD OR M.I.A.

here's another little nugget: there is no life on mars. NO LIFE.

ALL LIFE ON MARS KILLED IN ANTI-ALIEN HOLOCAUST, PERPETRATOR HIDES BODIES REAL GOOD, ESCAPES TO NEW YORK, PLOTS TO ATTACK MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME

but the most frightening statistic of all is something they won't ever tell you down at the lab. something so shocking that i will end it on this note, as you will all no doubt run, screaming and flailing your limbs from the horror on your computer screen. if you think you are prepared please read on...

of all the humans ever born, that means EVER, from adam to present day and into the future (thats like over a gazillion people) only approximately 6.5 billion have not died.

LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN HUMANS IS BIRTH. BE VERY AFRAID!

the circus retires bee costume, salutes non-irony, classifies new urban douchebag...all at once. am i this good? you betcha!

alright, who told the fucktards about irony?

urban outfitters? i'm looking at you...

dawn of the dead: old urban douchebag going the way of the dinosaur

life was so much simpler when the "irony" of the yuppie, bro, trustafarian, and urban douchebag was that he was too stupid to know he was being a ginormous tool. when he wore "bikini inspector" t shirts, and pants that cost extra because someone already ripped holes in the knees, it was so easy to spot them in the wild. when you heard someone shouting at the top of their lungs fairly base commentary about things like "I'M FUCKIN' WASTED!" or "THAT BITCH IS SMOKIN', BRO!" you could tell from a mile away: this guy does bicep curls for breakfast, keeps maxims in his bathroom so you know he's not gay, has an artsy black and white poster of two women kissing, and listens to maroon 5 while he masturbates in front of a mirror.

the urban douche evolves

well, perhaps "evolves" is too strong a word for this species.

darwin's "the descent of man, and selection in relation to sex" points out that monkeys, like humans, have a taste for distilled spirits. when put in a room with an open container of alcohol, a chimpanzee will drink until it loses consciousness, or there is no more booze. once the chimp experiences the hangover however, that chimp will never touch alcohol again. (yes, i did just quote an obscure darwinian text. every once in a while, we get wicked smart here at the circus)

eons of "evolution" and humans are still stupider than apes.

that, in a matter of a year or so, the urban douchebag could have evolved in any significant way, hardly seems possible.

the urban douche is learning

more likely, some group of people who have sold their souls for jobs have taught them about self-satire.

most likely it was spikeTV, maxim, or carl's jr.

though i'm not so sure it could have been carl's jr. i think the rube factor in their creative pool has finally eaten the clever marketing factor, and probably on a bun with nacho cheese and chili fries. when i watch a commercial that involves a man gnawing at a mangled avocado, followed by the slogan "guacamole is harder than it looks" i have to believe that their entire marketing staff might have otherwise died of starvation by now.

the urban douche: now in new girl flavor

but don't worry ladies, this rave isn't just for the fellas. there is a female urban douche contingent. ariel levy calls them the female chauvinist pigs, and they don't get talked about enough, because, well... boobs make everything ok, right?

wrong.

sometimes boobs ruin everything. it's true.

boobs ruined the bumble bee girl costume.

the sexy (fill in the blank) costume is passé. who cares anymore? of course most women are going to show up at costume parties wearing little more than heels and devil horns and call it a costume. this is not my concern, dude. decades ago the feminist philosopher simone deBeauvoir notoriously pushed "the higher the skirt the higher the salary" theory, and it's people like her and hugh hefner, who we all know fought so hard for a woman's right to whip out her vag in public (yes, britney, someone had to fight for that right you so callously flaunt) who have ingrained in our culture the idea that for a woman to objectify herself is the best way to achieve the respect of her peers. so it comes as no surprise when i see a girl in a silver bustier, 6 inch heels, and a hair band that sports little green antennae, claiming to be dressed as an alien. i figure i'll worry about the state of our culture when i see a girl in fuck me boots and american flag print crotchless panties, claiming to be sexy betsy ross. but there is a certain sexy something costume that has the devil tail on the back of my low rise thong in a bunch: the sexy bumble bee.

the urban douche breeds like a cancer, destroying all it touches

once upon a time there was a band called blind melon, and they made a music video in which an awkward little girl danced at a talent show wearing a goofy bumble bee costume. this awkward little girl has since become an iconic figure for girls who don't want to buy into sexy everything.

at this year's bay to breakers i came across a girl who had done it right: frumpy yellow and black tutu, tap shoes, striped arm warmers and beanie, funky pigtails, and nerd glasses. a perfect bee girl ensemble. but at the end of the day, that girl was overshadowed by at least 45 girls in yellow and black lingerie, high heels, and fairy wings. now maybe it's just my inner andy roony talking, but you can't sexy up the bee girl. the bee girl is sacrosanct. in fact that is the actual moral of the bee girl video. you don't have to fit someone else's ideal, you are perfect just the way you are (now all of you hurry up and fit my ideal!)

girl flavor still inferior to boy flavor, says urban douche. irony of being better at being bad at things still eludes them

where does the new urban douche fit in here? the new urban douche still feels superior to the female chauvinist. anything women can do, men can do better, even the weird stuff like fake tanning, shaving your body, getting trendy tattoos, taking your shirt off at parties, generally slutting it up, and getting blasted on smirnoff ice.

if girls can be sexy anything, so can men. perhaps funny, when done right. when it's a hairless, bronzo plastered bro dressed as a sexy bumble bee, it's just sad.

bumble bee girl tenders resignation from awesomeness, apparently does not feel too sexy for her hat

much like the MTV of the blind melon years was awesome because it actually aired music videos, but has now degenerated into asinine reality tv that teaches our youth how to be skanks and bros. the bee costume once stood for standing out in a crowd, and now it's been torn down to its base, boner inducing sensationalism, on its back for the money and attention daddy never offered.

female chauvinist pig attempts irony. odds of actual drunken teen pregnancy inversely proportionate to actual irony of drunken pregnant teen costume

but what ho of those who didn't ho it up this year? an awful lot of them put on actual clothes for once, and stuffed various items under their tops to look pregnant. but all the signs of urban she-douche were still there, under the surface. the shouting of things like "MY TITS LOOK AMAZING IN THIS BRA!" and the ever articulate "WOOOOOOOOOOYEAH!", and the occasional lifting of the skirt to reveal that, just in case the pregnant outfit wasn't going to get them free drinks and inappropriate groping, they were ready to go with the sexy anything costume underneath. unfortunately, the comedy factor of the drunken pregnant slut costume turns tragic when it becomes clear that, by the time the weekend is over, you may in fact be pregnant due to hasty and random drunken hook-ups.

*on an unrelated note, if you're going to dress as a teen mom, don't be so grumpy when i punch you in your fake baby and yell, "pro choice! what?!"

new urban douchebag disguises itself as old urban douchebag, hunts unsuspecting females

the most troubling thing about the new urban douche and the female chauvinist is that, while they clearly don't understand irony per se, they do in fact understand how to attempt it. and this, while unintentional, confuses, if briefly, the uneducated onlooker.

take for example the team of runners at yesterdays race dressed as reaganites from "loudmouth tool academy". at first i thought, "these guys are awesome, i want to hang out with them." but as the race wore on, it became clear that these gentlemen were not in fact regular folks in character, but were actual loudmouthed tools who had figured out how to satirize themselves. they drew me in, if only for a moment, to their spiraling black hole by convincing me that they were in fact just a group of hilarious regular guys, with clever costumes. in fact they had just cut the sleeves off of the navy blazers and powder blue dress shirts that they wore every day, threw on their republican red power ties, and neatly pressed chinos, and were out beaver hunting with the rest of the new urban douchebags. if i could be tricked for that one sad moment, imagine the horror that might ensue when the female chauvenist pig, disguised as the ironic pregnant teen gets tangled up in relations with the new urban douche disguised as ironic old world yuppie. they would surely breed out of control, voting for american idol in even larger numbers, and re-popularizing yachting shoes and jazzercise.

trendy new urban species defy all logic, metaphorically punch me in the brain

much like the female chauvinist has learned that the best way to earn respect is by not respecting yourself, the new urban douche has learned that the best way to not come off as douchy is to act extra douchy, and what i find so baffling about this is that both of these species manage to do this with an enormous amount of ego.

perhaps that is the most terrifying irony of all.

suggested reading (yes the circus has suggested reading now, deal with it):
1. the decent of man, and selection in relation to sex charles darwin
2. female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture ariel levy
3. the second sex simone de beauvoir

suggested watching (more fun, less learnin'):
1. no rain blind melon

2. P.C.U.

the circus doesn't know which one opposite marriage is. how do i know if i'm for it or against it? either way, miss california is a moron.

the other day when vermont and iowa legalized gay marriage, a friend of mine noted that she was proud of those states and wanted her home state of california to follow suit, so that she could be proud of us as well.

cut to sunday, when yet another person representing california stuck their head up their ass and blurted out whatever asinine anti-gay opinion they found up there (an ironic place to find opinions on gay rights, to be sure).

at this point there is nothing california can do in the way of same sex marriage that could make me proud of how we are behaving on this issue.

in case you missed it, miss california publicly announced on sunday that she shares the same opinion on same sex marriage as the two politicians who most powerfully represent california either directly or indirectly (schwarzenegger, obama) essentially that they want 100% equal rights for the lgbt community, but don't believe that marriage counts as a right, since marriage only includes straight people. isn't it so cute how the queers want to play house like us straight people? thats all i hear when these people talk, anyway.

i can only hope that no one takes this woman seriously, as she grew up in the hooters of political districts (san diego) and is studying special ed at a creationist school. just what we need, someone teaching kids with learning disabilities that the answer to everything is, as long as there are no faggy follow up questions, jesus did it.

on the subject of giving retards a leg up, obnoxious hollywood talking dog, perez hilton (and you thought i was going to say george lopez), is still getting work? perez hilton. a man who thinks that changing your name to perez hilton, starring in a spoof movie called "another gay sequel: gays

gone wild", and judging the televised objectification of women is the most intelligent way to represent a civil rights issue. in that case call me linwood lohan and greenlight my time traveling senior citizen porn script already! i'll promote the hell out of gay rights. but here's a hard hitting question for perez hilton: where the fuck were you when the no on prop 8 movement needed some much needed LA county votes? probably talking about what britney's vagina looks like (smooth and kind of puffy). but, more important than notable world's best ape-in-a-human-costume contest winner perez hilton, was LA county itself. you don't agree with same sex marriage? i don't mean any disrespect by stereotyping here, but where would hollywood be without their hairdressers, fashion consultants, assistants, dog groomers, bloggers, ellen degeneri, and lindsay lohan*?

*lohan reference only valid when being gay was accepted by hollywood/she was pretending to be gay

i guess the old adage i made up not that oldy ago is true, you don't make friends and money at the same time.

meanwhile, back at headquarters, the supreme court says all same sex marriages that occurred during the "window of common sense" (my wording) are legal, but none post prop 8 will be accepted. how does this make sense to anyone?

first of all, just because you work in sacramento, does not mean you are in the business of religious sacraments, so why is the government even concerned with marriage? its a money issue, i get it, everything is a money issue. but if thats all it is, then not legalizing gay marriage is a bad business model, since marriage would bring much needed income to a state that issued i.o.u.s to its taxpaying public earlier this year. i guess i shouldn't be surprised that we can't see the forrest for the trees considering the GOVERNMENT ISSUED I.O.U.S to its taxpayers earlier this year. that plan never seems to work out when i owe the government money, but i guess thats why i'm not a politician, they have the expensive educations needed to work out the particulars of that kind of plan.

secondarily, if its a simple issue of writing legislation based on outdated modes of thought (bigotry) then either same sex marriages are legal, or they aren't. if the marriages issued before prop 8 are legal, then same sex marriage is legal. thats how logic works. my parents don't go driving around totally shitfaced just because they got their drivers licenses before the BAC limit was hard-lined at .08%. so which is it? same sex marriage is legal or it isn't?

one last plea: please tell me no one believes the JCLDS claim that if same sex marriage is legalized, our children will be forced to watch gay people gettin' bizzay on their teachers desks during mandatory gay bootcamp. thats the gist of their claim, anyway. they don't want to fuck on your couch, people, they just want to feel that their love is just as valid as anyone elses. if you truly know what it feels like to love someone, you understand. don't you?

so the verdict is in with this useless bag of internet opinion: due to blatant disregard for common sense, steadfast belief in antiquated notions (aka bigotry), self-entitled "celebrity", failure to stand up for what is right, waffling representation, the fact that we are now officially less progressive than fucking iowa for the love of l ron mahatmuhammed, and a government that apparently makes all the important decisions at church socials, on this issue i am embarrassed to be a californian.

the circus is getting mixed messages. come on corporate america, do you want to abuse my natural voraciousness for blind consumerism, or don't you?

i just want to make sure everybody is clear on this issue: big business owns network television.

big business also makes deals with the government to get leniency on certain things. for example: the government requires that a certain amount of air time be given to public awareness of topical issues, free of charge. however, if law and order:suspect abuse unit just happens to air an episode where one of the characters is a pot smoking teenager who gets kidnapped because of a drug deal gone bad, or an underage girl who has unprotected sex and get AIDS, then a certain amount of that PSA time gets absolved because that show would be depicting people who do things the government doesnt like, and consequently suffering for it. 

similarly, if a major global polluter, i.e. GE, who happens to own NBC (and while we are on the subject, no GE didnt buy NBC, GE created NBC because when NBC was created GE's bread and butter was radios and televisions, so GE decided they would put something on those radios and televisions to give the consumer a reason to buy them. so yes, TV is and always has existed for the purpose of selling you shit you dont need) anyway, back to the major global polluter. lets stick with the GE example, if GE happens to need to meet a certain quota vis a vi a decrease in pollution that they can't nearly meet while still raping your pocketbooks, they might, let's just say, offer up 150 hours of "green TV" on their network affiliates. things like episodes of my name is earl, the office, and 30 rock rife with hackneyed plot points involving "going green" and liberal environmentalist guest stars. for doing this GE is most likely receiving massive amounts of carbon points from the government, after factoring in these free points, and then pointing out that al gore showed up on a very special episode of 30 rock, and sponsorship priority was given to toyota hybrid commercials, GE and NBC look like golden gods in the eyes of ignorant masses the world over.

allow me to take this moment to point out the overwhelming amount of evidence piling up in the case of al gore: egomaniacal trend whore (i dont care how ornery people get when the weather heats up, being an advocate against global warming has nothing to do with world peace, give the nobel prize back you fat a-hole, and take off the green tie, its purpose is completely transparent and you look like a dillhole). allow me to also point out the irony here: the irony of al gore showing up on 30 rock and "explaining" how great a program block of "green tv" would be for the world, without actually explaining how it works in GE's favor rather than that of the environment, and the irony of a television program block dedicated to "going green" sponsored by a car company and broadcast on networks owned by one of the largest energy conglomerates in the world. i don't care how good the gas mileage is, it's still a car. this is like getting a safe sex message on late night cinemax from a company that makes sheepskin condoms.

and while we're on the subject of mixed messages from big business, don't be fooled when you see a chevron commercial pleading for everyone to "use less".

what are we? simple?

chevron doesn't want us to use less. hey everyone, i'm a butcher and i sure wish there were more vegetarians in the world! doesn't quite sound right, does it? they want us to use less of the other guys' stuff. and when we do use, they want us to think about how "progressive and selfless" chevron is, so, perhaps, we'll go to one of their stations to fill up because they are such a noble, earth-first company.

bullshit.

now, i know you are all intelligent people. i just needed to vent my abhorrence for the blind ignorant faith with which the world seems to be jumping head-up-ass first into this whole going green trend. it's not that i'm anti-environment. it's not that i dont believe in global warming. i'm very much pro-environment. i do believe in global warming, i just think that every time we see a comercial for some "green" product, or hear al gore spewing from his doughy pie hole, we don't have to jump all over it like its gospel, slap a "he's not MY president" bumper sticker on it, and brag about how savvy were being.

you want to start being part of the solution? stop consuming... everything. i don't care if its a new prius, 150 hours of so-called green television, or an anti-establishment bumper sticker, if you want bragging rights, then you need to just stop.

and to veer slightly off topic here, as for your "liberal" bumper stickers... 

take them off. "i never thought i'd miss nixon"? really? you miss nixon? anything to do with ending the war? is that all you have to say? how about we get all those soldiers back here who are just begging to god to come home alive and well, and see if they think that a $2 bumper sticker (plastered to the bumper of a car that runs on the very thing they are getting shot at and killed to protect. the very thing that puts them in situations where they have to decide if they can kill another human being) was enough effort to get them out of harm's way. "he's not my president"? isn't he? are you canadian? oh, then he is your president. i don't like him any more than you do, but he is our president. maybe you didn't vote for him, i sure didn't. but we as a collective country did. twice. if you don't like it, stand up and do something about it. say something about it. don't quietly go about your life placating yourself with pathetic sloganeering.

alrighty, im done being a grizzled old man.

in conlcusion, we all do things that hurt the environment. but that's life, we are a needy species of microcephalous idiots (my favorite new phrase), and we demand more of the planet then the planet has to offer. but unless we are all going to march single file off a cliff, which i don't recommend (unless you really want to...), we have to accept this. and yes we should do whatever we can to lessen the damage, but maybe jumping on every little trend we see on tv without asking questions isn't the answer.