May 25, 2009

the circus says: time to stick your head between your knees and shit your pants! in no particular order.

just when you thought the world was safe from mad cow, monkey pox, SARS, anthrax, west nile virus, african killer bees, bird flu, insane gas prices, salmonella in generic peanut butter, salmonella in spinach, salmonella in almonds, salmonella in tomatoes, human body parts in your chili, transfatty acids in everything, shellfish allergies, abortion crazed gay pot smoking vegan hippies, adam sandler movies, disco fever, french fries, french bread, french kissing, french stewart, and canadian civil war* comes yet another reason for elderly asian people to wear surgical masks in public: SWINE FLU!!!!!

in an ironic twist, after 9-11, W ordered all french canadians to be called freedom canadians, but when the war struck, they were first to support the queens tyrannical rule

mon Dieu! les porcs seront nos maƮtres!!!

pardon my freedom, but i'm a little freaked out here. people, if you've got any duct tape and plastic wrap left over from the anthrax scare, seal yourself into a makeshift panic room, and pray that jesus raptures your ass up to heaven before the half-man/half-pig zombies relearn how to open doors.

oh sure, the intelligencia, aka modern science, would have you believe that swine flu, like all the other things on the list of terror, is no more deadly than regular flu, no more a threat to our lives than suffocating to death in a house thathas been hermetically sealed with items i found under my kitchen sink. but who are you going to trust here? some "scientist" with some "degree" in a "relevant area of study" from an "institution of higher learning" and "years of experience in the field", or sexy local news correspondent gasia mikaelian? her name may sound like a imminent biological threat i should be cowering in horror from, but her body says, "don't fear, mi amor, i shall hold you safe next to my nurturing bosom."

one thing these quack scientists will cop to is something more shocking and appalling than the fact that we genetically alter chickens then deep fry them in transfatty acid-rich beef tallow and eat them despite bird flu, mad cow, obesity, and salmonella all being potential hazards with this plan. because, you see, when we kentucky fry our "chicken" we are proving that nature is our bitch. we are making an example of those 40lb 6 legged birds. but what i'm about to tell you now will make your head explode. this particular case of swine flu evolved from a combination of birdand swine flu!!!!!!! now i know i don't have to tell you what this means, but i will anyway. THE PIGS AND THE BIRDS ARE FUCKING, AND ITS WORKING!

gives new immediacy to the old expression, gay unicorn robots will make humans their powerless sex slave underlings when pigs fly. doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!

THE PIGS ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE-OFF, PEOPLE! and i can't stop shitting my pants long enough to load my gun with frozen meat bullets!

well i'm not going to lay around in my own feces while big mama science snow balls me (wait, that's not right...)

the scienticians tell us there have been no deaths in america due to swine flu. but when forced to honestly answer to badgering pundits, the truth comes spilling out like our guts from oozing swine flu sores (i assume), "if enough people became infected in the US, there is certainly a chance that some of those infected might die". is anyone else reading too far into this?

in case you can't see the writing on the wall here, let me spell it out for you nice and clear: if enough people are affected by something, WE ARE ALL GOING TOO DIE! think about it, people. i don't know the hard facts here, but there must be dozens of people dropping dead all over the world from all variety of causes every day. DOZENS! do you know how many a dozen is? now pluralize that by multiple! possibly that many deaths the world over, every single day!
imagine all the things we could be dying from, totally unawares. we just need to start connecting the dots. for example, did you know that only a small handful of the people who have ever been born ambidextrous are still alive?

AMBIDEXTRIA: NATURE'S TWO-HANDED KILLER!

did you also know that hardly a day goes by in which a day goes by in which a really old person does not die?
GERIATRIC PLAGUE DESTROYING SENIOR POPULATION, NO DECLINE IN USE OF 4% DISCOUNT AT DENNY'S

what about this little statistic? everyone who was alive during the american revolution IS DEAD.

CASUALTIES OF AMERICAN REVOLUTION REACH ALL TIME HIGH: ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE NEW WORLD COLONIES NOW PRESUMED DEAD OR M.I.A.

here's another little nugget: there is no life on mars. NO LIFE.

ALL LIFE ON MARS KILLED IN ANTI-ALIEN HOLOCAUST, PERPETRATOR HIDES BODIES REAL GOOD, ESCAPES TO NEW YORK, PLOTS TO ATTACK MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME

but the most frightening statistic of all is something they won't ever tell you down at the lab. something so shocking that i will end it on this note, as you will all no doubt run, screaming and flailing your limbs from the horror on your computer screen. if you think you are prepared please read on...

of all the humans ever born, that means EVER, from adam to present day and into the future (thats like over a gazillion people) only approximately 6.5 billion have not died.

LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN HUMANS IS BIRTH. BE VERY AFRAID!


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