urban outfitters? i'm looking at you...
dawn of the dead: old urban douchebag going the way of the dinosaur
life was so much simpler when the "irony" of the yuppie, bro, trustafarian, and urban douchebag was that he was too stupid to know he was being a ginormous tool. when he wore "bikini inspector" t shirts, and pants that cost extra because someone already ripped holes in the knees, it was so easy to spot them in the wild. when you heard someone shouting at the top of their lungs fairly base commentary about things like "I'M FUCKIN' WASTED!" or "THAT BITCH IS SMOKIN', BRO!" you could tell from a mile away: this guy does bicep curls for breakfast, keeps maxims in his bathroom so you know he's not gay, has an artsy black and white poster of two women kissing, and listens to maroon 5 while he masturbates in front of a mirror.
the urban douche evolves
well, perhaps "evolves" is too strong a word for this species.
darwin's "the descent of man, and selection in relation to sex" points out that monkeys, like humans, have a taste for distilled spirits. when put in a room with an open container of alcohol, a chimpanzee will drink until it loses consciousness, or there is no more booze. once the chimp experiences the hangover however, that chimp will never touch alcohol again. (yes, i did just quote an obscure darwinian text. every once in a while, we get wicked smart here at the circus)
eons of "evolution" and humans are still stupider than apes.
that, in a matter of a year or so, the urban douchebag could have evolved in any significant way, hardly seems possible.
darwin's "the descent of man, and selection in relation to sex" points out that monkeys, like humans, have a taste for distilled spirits. when put in a room with an open container of alcohol, a chimpanzee will drink until it loses consciousness, or there is no more booze. once the chimp experiences the hangover however, that chimp will never touch alcohol again. (yes, i did just quote an obscure darwinian text. every once in a while, we get wicked smart here at the circus)
eons of "evolution" and humans are still stupider than apes.
that, in a matter of a year or so, the urban douchebag could have evolved in any significant way, hardly seems possible.
the urban douche is learning
more likely, some group of people who have sold their souls for jobs have taught them about self-satire.
most likely it was spikeTV, maxim, or carl's jr.
more likely, some group of people who have sold their souls for jobs have taught them about self-satire.
most likely it was spikeTV, maxim, or carl's jr.
though i'm not so sure it could have been carl's jr. i think the rube factor in their creative pool has finally eaten the clever marketing factor, and probably on a bun with nacho cheese and chili fries. when i watch a commercial that involves a man gnawing at a mangled avocado, followed by the slogan "guacamole is harder than it looks" i have to believe that their entire marketing staff might have otherwise died of starvation by now.
the urban douche: now in new girl flavor
but don't worry ladies, this rave isn't just for the fellas. there is a female urban douche contingent. ariel levy calls them the female chauvinist pigs, and they don't get talked about enough, because, well... boobs make everything ok, right?
wrong.
sometimes boobs ruin everything. it's true.
boobs ruined the bumble bee girl costume.
the sexy (fill in the blank) costume is passé. who cares anymore? of course most women are going to show up at costume parties wearing little more than heels and devil horns and call it a costume. this is not my concern, dude. decades ago the feminist philosopher simone deBeauvoir notoriously pushed "the higher the skirt the higher the salary" theory, and it's people like her and hugh hefner, who we all know fought so hard for a woman's right to whip out her vag in public (yes, britney, someone had to fight for that right you so callously flaunt) who have ingrained in our culture the idea that for a woman to objectify herself is the best way to achieve the respect of her peers. so it comes as no surprise when i see a girl in a silver bustier, 6 inch heels, and a hair band that sports little green antennae, claiming to be dressed as an alien. i figure i'll worry about the state of our culture when i see a girl in fuck me boots and american flag print crotchless panties, claiming to be sexy betsy ross. but there is a certain sexy something costume that has the devil tail on the back of my low rise thong in a bunch: the sexy bumble bee.
the urban douche: now in new girl flavor
but don't worry ladies, this rave isn't just for the fellas. there is a female urban douche contingent. ariel levy calls them the female chauvinist pigs, and they don't get talked about enough, because, well... boobs make everything ok, right?
wrong.
sometimes boobs ruin everything. it's true.
boobs ruined the bumble bee girl costume.
the sexy (fill in the blank) costume is passé. who cares anymore? of course most women are going to show up at costume parties wearing little more than heels and devil horns and call it a costume. this is not my concern, dude. decades ago the feminist philosopher simone deBeauvoir notoriously pushed "the higher the skirt the higher the salary" theory, and it's people like her and hugh hefner, who we all know fought so hard for a woman's right to whip out her vag in public (yes, britney, someone had to fight for that right you so callously flaunt) who have ingrained in our culture the idea that for a woman to objectify herself is the best way to achieve the respect of her peers. so it comes as no surprise when i see a girl in a silver bustier, 6 inch heels, and a hair band that sports little green antennae, claiming to be dressed as an alien. i figure i'll worry about the state of our culture when i see a girl in fuck me boots and american flag print crotchless panties, claiming to be sexy betsy ross. but there is a certain sexy something costume that has the devil tail on the back of my low rise thong in a bunch: the sexy bumble bee.
the urban douche breeds like a cancer, destroying all it touches
once upon a time there was a band called blind melon, and they made a music video in which an awkward little girl danced at a talent show wearing a goofy bumble bee costume. this awkward little girl has since become an iconic figure for girls who don't want to buy into sexy everything.
at this year's bay to breakers i came across a girl who had done it right: frumpy yellow and black tutu, tap shoes, striped arm warmers and beanie, funky pigtails, and nerd glasses. a perfect bee girl ensemble. but at the end of the day, that girl was overshadowed by at least 45 girls in yellow and black lingerie, high heels, and fairy wings. now maybe it's just my inner andy roony talking, but you can't sexy up the bee girl. the bee girl is sacrosanct. in fact that is the actual moral of the bee girl video. you don't have to fit someone else's ideal, you are perfect just the way you are (now all of you hurry up and fit my ideal!)
girl flavor still inferior to boy flavor, says urban douche. irony of being better at being bad at things still eludes them
once upon a time there was a band called blind melon, and they made a music video in which an awkward little girl danced at a talent show wearing a goofy bumble bee costume. this awkward little girl has since become an iconic figure for girls who don't want to buy into sexy everything.
at this year's bay to breakers i came across a girl who had done it right: frumpy yellow and black tutu, tap shoes, striped arm warmers and beanie, funky pigtails, and nerd glasses. a perfect bee girl ensemble. but at the end of the day, that girl was overshadowed by at least 45 girls in yellow and black lingerie, high heels, and fairy wings. now maybe it's just my inner andy roony talking, but you can't sexy up the bee girl. the bee girl is sacrosanct. in fact that is the actual moral of the bee girl video. you don't have to fit someone else's ideal, you are perfect just the way you are (now all of you hurry up and fit my ideal!)
girl flavor still inferior to boy flavor, says urban douche. irony of being better at being bad at things still eludes them
where does the new urban douche fit in here? the new urban douche still feels superior to the female chauvinist. anything women can do, men can do better, even the weird stuff like fake tanning, shaving your body, getting trendy tattoos, taking your shirt off at parties, generally slutting it up, and getting blasted on smirnoff ice.
if girls can be sexy anything, so can men. perhaps funny, when done right. when it's a hairless, bronzo plastered bro dressed as a sexy bumble bee, it's just sad.
bumble bee girl tenders resignation from awesomeness, apparently does not feel too sexy for her hat
much like the MTV of the blind melon years was awesome because it actually aired music videos, but has now degenerated into asinine reality tv that teaches our youth how to be skanks and bros. the bee costume once stood for standing out in a crowd, and now it's been torn down to its base, boner inducing sensationalism, on its back for the money and attention daddy never offered.
female chauvinist pig attempts irony. odds of actual drunken teen pregnancy inversely proportionate to actual irony of drunken pregnant teen costume
but what ho of those who didn't ho it up this year? an awful lot of them put on actual clothes for once, and stuffed various items under their tops to look pregnant. but all the signs of urban she-douche were still there, under the surface. the shouting of things like "MY TITS LOOK AMAZING IN THIS BRA!" and the ever articulate "WOOOOOOOOOOYEAH!", and the occasional lifting of the skirt to reveal that, just in case the pregnant outfit wasn't going to get them free drinks and inappropriate groping, they were ready to go with the sexy anything costume underneath. unfortunately, the comedy factor of the drunken pregnant slut costume turns tragic when it becomes clear that, by the time the weekend is over, you may in fact be pregnant due to hasty and random drunken hook-ups.
*on an unrelated note, if you're going to dress as a teen mom, don't be so grumpy when i punch you in your fake baby and yell, "pro choice! what?!"
new urban douchebag disguises itself as old urban douchebag, hunts unsuspecting females
the most troubling thing about the new urban douche and the female chauvinist is that, while they clearly don't understand irony per se, they do in fact understand how to attempt it. and this, while unintentional, confuses, if briefly, the uneducated onlooker.
take for example the team of runners at yesterdays race dressed as reaganites from "loudmouth tool academy". at first i thought, "these guys are awesome, i want to hang out with them." but as the race wore on, it became clear that these gentlemen were not in fact regular folks in character, but were actual loudmouthed tools who had figured out how to satirize themselves. they drew me in, if only for a moment, to their spiraling black hole by convincing me that they were in fact just a group of hilarious regular guys, with clever costumes. in fact they had just cut the sleeves off of the navy blazers and powder blue dress shirts that they wore every day, threw on their republican red power ties, and neatly pressed chinos, and were out beaver hunting with the rest of the new urban douchebags. if i could be tricked for that one sad moment, imagine the horror that might ensue when the female chauvenist pig, disguised as the ironic pregnant teen gets tangled up in relations with the new urban douche disguised as ironic old world yuppie. they would surely breed out of control, voting for american idol in even larger numbers, and re-popularizing yachting shoes and jazzercise.
trendy new urban species defy all logic, metaphorically punch me in the brain
much like the female chauvinist has learned that the best way to earn respect is by not respecting yourself, the new urban douche has learned that the best way to not come off as douchy is to act extra douchy, and what i find so baffling about this is that both of these species manage to do this with an enormous amount of ego.
suggested reading (yes the circus has suggested reading now, deal with it):
1. the decent of man, and selection in relation to sex charles darwin
2. female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture ariel levy
3. the second sex simone de beauvoir
suggested watching (more fun, less learnin'):
1. no rain blind melon
if girls can be sexy anything, so can men. perhaps funny, when done right. when it's a hairless, bronzo plastered bro dressed as a sexy bumble bee, it's just sad.
bumble bee girl tenders resignation from awesomeness, apparently does not feel too sexy for her hat
much like the MTV of the blind melon years was awesome because it actually aired music videos, but has now degenerated into asinine reality tv that teaches our youth how to be skanks and bros. the bee costume once stood for standing out in a crowd, and now it's been torn down to its base, boner inducing sensationalism, on its back for the money and attention daddy never offered.
female chauvinist pig attempts irony. odds of actual drunken teen pregnancy inversely proportionate to actual irony of drunken pregnant teen costume
but what ho of those who didn't ho it up this year? an awful lot of them put on actual clothes for once, and stuffed various items under their tops to look pregnant. but all the signs of urban she-douche were still there, under the surface. the shouting of things like "MY TITS LOOK AMAZING IN THIS BRA!" and the ever articulate "WOOOOOOOOOOYEAH!", and the occasional lifting of the skirt to reveal that, just in case the pregnant outfit wasn't going to get them free drinks and inappropriate groping, they were ready to go with the sexy anything costume underneath. unfortunately, the comedy factor of the drunken pregnant slut costume turns tragic when it becomes clear that, by the time the weekend is over, you may in fact be pregnant due to hasty and random drunken hook-ups.
*on an unrelated note, if you're going to dress as a teen mom, don't be so grumpy when i punch you in your fake baby and yell, "pro choice! what?!"
new urban douchebag disguises itself as old urban douchebag, hunts unsuspecting females
the most troubling thing about the new urban douche and the female chauvinist is that, while they clearly don't understand irony per se, they do in fact understand how to attempt it. and this, while unintentional, confuses, if briefly, the uneducated onlooker.
take for example the team of runners at yesterdays race dressed as reaganites from "loudmouth tool academy". at first i thought, "these guys are awesome, i want to hang out with them." but as the race wore on, it became clear that these gentlemen were not in fact regular folks in character, but were actual loudmouthed tools who had figured out how to satirize themselves. they drew me in, if only for a moment, to their spiraling black hole by convincing me that they were in fact just a group of hilarious regular guys, with clever costumes. in fact they had just cut the sleeves off of the navy blazers and powder blue dress shirts that they wore every day, threw on their republican red power ties, and neatly pressed chinos, and were out beaver hunting with the rest of the new urban douchebags. if i could be tricked for that one sad moment, imagine the horror that might ensue when the female chauvenist pig, disguised as the ironic pregnant teen gets tangled up in relations with the new urban douche disguised as ironic old world yuppie. they would surely breed out of control, voting for american idol in even larger numbers, and re-popularizing yachting shoes and jazzercise.
trendy new urban species defy all logic, metaphorically punch me in the brain
much like the female chauvinist has learned that the best way to earn respect is by not respecting yourself, the new urban douche has learned that the best way to not come off as douchy is to act extra douchy, and what i find so baffling about this is that both of these species manage to do this with an enormous amount of ego.
perhaps that is the most terrifying irony of all.
suggested reading (yes the circus has suggested reading now, deal with it):
1. the decent of man, and selection in relation to sex charles darwin
2. female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture ariel levy
3. the second sex simone de beauvoir
suggested watching (more fun, less learnin'):
1. no rain blind melon
2. P.C.U.
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