the circus tells poop jokes at the table.

where do i even begin discussing modern american cuisine? how about: if it looks like a troublesome bowel movement before i eat it, why would i want to put it in my mouth*?

that seems like as good a place as 

any (to start, not to put the food. directly into the toilet is still the best place for that).

so, lets bash carl's junior two raves in a row (lord i will never get tired of crapping on that place). their latest new hot shit, and i mean that quite literally, is the crispy burrito. it quite actually looks like gift wrapped dog shit. do i even need to go on?

lets.

stop putting other entrées on top of your burgers! mitch hedberg said

it so well, "i didn't buy the crackers because they were little edible plates, i just like crackers, man." take heed, carl's jr (i still don't understand what your name means), burgers are not edible plates, you don't get to elaborate on them until you figure out how to make a regular burger that passes for people food, so keep your god awful serving suggestions and your "donut ham hamburgers" to yourself.

alright, i could bash carl's jr all day...

who's next? pizza hut?

lets talk p'zzone.

specifically: shut that shit up! let me first explain the difference between pizza and a calzone:

step 1) take 1(one) pizza, fold in half

TA-fuckin'-DA! it's a calzone! there is no room to negotiate this one step to land somewhere in the middle at a p'zzone, or calz'zza. it's either a pizza or a calzone, or, admittedly, a p'zzone, which would in fact have to be a pizza creased into a V shape, which would slump all the toppings down into the trough, presumably for easy power chugging.

but hey, when is a pizza not a pizza? when its a mexican pizza, or a philly cheese pizza, or a

hamburger pizza. we let these abominations slide, but when you turn a pizza into a bowl and then stuff it with "pasta", my italian roots curl up in the fetal position on the floor of a cold shower, bleeding from all the wrong holes.

it's so cold, and i can't stop crying.

and speaking of all the wrong holes...

for your consideration, one of my favorite seinfeld quotes, "it'll be years before they find another place to hide cheese on a pizza." oh, but they did it. didn't they?

you bet they did.

how? they cut a hole in the middle of the pizza, and rolled the crust back to make stuffed crust on both ends of the slice. what?! this pizza actually costs more than a regular pizza! i am getting less dough, topings, and in fact, less cheese, than if i just got the whole fucking pie! that crust better be stuffed with dollar bills, you bastards!

don't even get me started on the japanese pizza hut offering that had pigs in a blanket crust and slider burgers for toppings (not joking, please take a moment to throw up in your mouth, i can wait)

but fast food is such an easy target. i mean i might as well be telling airline food jokes.

so here we go...what's the deal with airline food?

only kidding. lets talk crazy crap on the walls. i spent the entirety of my childhood in redwood city, and never was there an applebees. then, a few years back, up springs an applebees with all kinds of classic redwood city memorabilia, and local highschool paraphernalia on the walls, like applebees has been bein' sponsoring the team since way back (i love bad grammar almost as much as good). in addition, don't tell me i'm having fun at your restaurant, i'll tell you if i'm having fun at your restaurant...don't worry, i'll let you know...might want to pack a lunch, it could be a while. and when you pack that lunch, try not to include your fried chicken tacos, southwestern eggrolls, or hot spinach dip with pico de gallo (too be fair, those 3 items were from chili's). are we not destroying the epicurean experience fast enough? do we have to do it two cultures at a time now?

and while were on the subject of good food quickly, forget about those carl's jr turd burgers (i'm so glad i finally got to use that phrase in context), applebees offers signature "realburgers" which, in addition to being a burger thats too busy for proper spacing, is a burger that shows all those kitschy burgers from "the other guys" what a proper gut bomb is. and what is that? you might ask. well, two examples straight from the menu are "quesadilla burger" (a hamburger on a tortilla with bacon, salsa, and ranch dressing. i can just hear the rubes saying "mmm...case-ah-dill-uh burger") and "bruschetta burger" (a hamburger on focaccia bread with pesto and "fresh" "bruschetta", which is not what applebees thinks it is, i suspect. they are also running a distant second to jack in the box with this idea. you know you suck when you're trailing jack by 5 years).

is that what a real burger is? oh, baby jesus! how long were you going to let us eat those fakeburgers before you brought applebees to save us with "realburgers"?! how long?!!!! those things are neither burger, quesadilla, nor bruschetta.

but you know what? they are if they tell us they are, right? let's ask snapple.

snapple brings us to our last point: real sugar.

by jove, we've found it! and it only took us how long? decades ago we actually created a corn byproduct called high fructose corn syrup to replace actual sugar in anything and everything we put in our faces (no wonder there's always bits of corn in my poop). why we did this is still beyond me. my best guess is that somewhere along the line an entire generation of babies was dropped on their heads on the exact spot that stores the concept that we can actually eat things that grow in nature. but the beauty of it is this: for years snapple sold itself as "made from the best stuff on earth", when in fact it was made from some crap that a bunch of scientists produced in a lab. but that slogan helped snapple sales bomb past all those other drinks with the lesser ingredients, including sunny D and the purple stuff. but now that we've finally figured out how to squeeze real actual natural sugar into food (how do they do that?! oh, modern science! will your wonders never cease?) snapple touts itself as having "found better stuff", and they are going to sell a shit ton more units than ever before.

why do we put up with this shit? why are we willing to pay someone to feed us ranch dressing, bacon, pepper jack cheese, a greasy "meat" patty, and salsa on a deep fried tortilla with corn byproduct and msg?

said the kid in the school cafeteria mixing up his chocolate milk with his icy-juicy, salsbury steak, corn nibblets, and fruit cup, "it all ends up in the same place anyway, don't be a poop head!"

it's true, eventually it all ends up in the wastewater management plant outside of town. in addition, i know you are but what am i?

but...but it all comes out the same in the end right?

tell you what, you let me know how it comes out. i'll bet my money-stuffed pizza crust it looks better than when it went in.

*for the answer, ask the ladies of "2 girls 1 cup", but that's another rave altogether

suggested reading (yep, still doing that):

1. the omnivore's dilemma michael pollan

2. fast food nation eric schlosser

3. the jungle upton sinclair

suggested watching:

1. seinfeld: the chicken roasters

2. strategic grill locations mitch hedberg

3. beyond the pale jim gaffigan

4. supersize me

5. the simpsons: bart sells his soul

suggested surfing:

1. twinkie dessert recipies http://www.hostesscakes.com/recipe_list.html