some jackass is suing the bank for more money then even exists in the entire world, good luck a-hole

dalton chiscolm is suing bank of america for 1,784 billion trillion dollars. that's right. multiply a trillion by a billion, then again by 1,784. thats how much money this dick weed wants from the bank.

oh... and also he's demanding an additional $200,164,000. all to be direct deposited into his account the day after court ruling (should the world suddenly turn upside down, and he win the case).

but why?

he called customer service in new york on several occasions, and received inconsistent information from a "spanish womn (sic)".

ok, look, fuck face. if this were some plot to disenfranchise the entire world of monetary fundage to teach us all a lesson about the fundamental values of life, i get it. i do. but first of all, bank of america doesn't handle the finances of the entire world, and second, the entire world has about $60trillion. if the entire world bankrupted themselves to pay him this claim, chiscolm would have to live another 300 million years before he saw the last check.

oh my god this guy is a food grade moron.

how i long for a "loser pays" clause in our court circuit.

not that this case in any way qualifies as small claims, but it is a petty claim, that's for sure.

now, the judge has generously given chiscolm until today (october23) to explain why this sum of money is justifiable retribution for bad service (a claim which he has also yet to substantiate), because in all the hearings since this claim was filed in august, chiscolm has yet to explain just why he deserves this much money.

maybe not everyone understands, but there is this crazy thing going on outside the western world. it's called reality. in reality there exist places where you could hand someone a twenty dollar bill, and they would be so grateful for the blessing you have bestowed upon their life that they might offer their wife and kids as a thank you.

this cocksmokingshitwad chiscolm obviously has enough money to live in the US, have a bank account, and pay for a lawyer to handle his frivolous lawsuits.

if this guy doesn't come up with the greatest reason in the universe (and he had better, because one would have to span the universe in order to find that much money) for why he deserves this money, i say we make an example of him.

we drag his sorry ass out to the town square, and slowly and painfully kill him in a manner befitting a greedy self-serving bastard, as a lesson to every other greedy self-serving bastard out there who is thinking that their customer service is the most important thing in all of infinite space. then we take every thing he is worth, and donate it to bank of america to spend as they see fit, preferably for julliard trained ballerinas to dance on his grave, while the harlem boys choir sing hallelujah!, then we get a bunch of grizzled old rednecks to take turns spitting on his tombstone.

either that, or we strip him of everything he owns, including the clothes on his back, and exile him to, oh let's say, haiti, or sudan, or afghanistan... i don't know, pick someplace horribly poor and corrupt, ooh, i know...

the perfect place for the man who wants a thousand billion trillion dollars...

zimbabwe!

they have $10mill bills over there!

oh glory be, make this man live in zimbabwe, naked and broke, and make him earn back every US penny of the court fees and every bounced check he claims the bank screwed up on, and maybe a little extra for penalty (lets say... eleventeen gajillion dollars. that sounds fair). and if he should ever make this money, and earn his return to the US, kill him, execution style, at customs.

not that i defend the way in which our society lives slave to the dollar, but this man is making a joke of human life. specifically he is making a joke of the fact that life can be lived independent of the pursuit of monetary gain. he also makes a joke of everyone in this world who's life could be totally turned around for 500, 100, maybe even 20 bucks, but there isn't generosity enough in the world to make this happen. meanwhile he makes unfounded demands that he be given an amount of money that doesn't even exist. here's an amount of money that doesn't exist that i think is fair payment for this man's suffering: $0.

the staggering scope of the reparations this man is demanding can really only be discussed in figurative terms. so figure it to say that he wants all the money in the universe.

what for?

say we give it to him, what will he do with it?

there would be nothing to buy, because everything of any monetary value would have been liquidated to pay him, and there would be nothing to sell (for the same reason, but also) because nobody would have even a fraction of a cent to buy it. would you simply give us money? perhaps in exchange for our efforts to be productive members of society? if that is the case, then perhaps you should just let us continue our current system in which people with money simply give it to us in exchange for our efforts to be productive members of society. maybe the plan is to buy and humiliate every member of this at fault "spanish womn"'s family for the next few billion years, just to show her who's boss.

but until later today, when chiscolm appears in front of the judge to explain why he has earned all the money in the universe, i propose the zimbabwe plan.

we take all of chiscolm's money, and disperse it out amongst every other member of the universe. then we make him learn the value of a dollar however he needs to do so living in the streets of zimbabwe.

i hope he gets raped by a zebra.

for minorities in america, it's one step forward in the 21st century, and a little two step soft shoe back to the 50's.

with obama in office it has been hard for people to say that anyone is keeping the black man down these days, although some have speculated that mr o tends to keep himself down by being such a stickler for bipartisanship.

sadly, for every obama, there must be a michael steele.

michael steele is not helping to progress any part of our society. he degrades himself, and distills any redeeming leadership qualities, charisma, or intelligence he may have, down to nothing more than a mustached old man in a wallpaper-bland suit spouting dated "black" lingo in regards to no topic of any great political import. he helps the cause of the african american culture, the republican party, the american people, and the federal government the same way sarah palin does (swap african american culture with gender equality): he doesn't.

he is more hurtful to progress on any cultural or political front than helpful.

a note to michael steele on his role as the ty pennington of the GOP: the american people didn't want to elect a "black" man, they wanted to elect the best candidate for the job. turns out he was darker than usual, this time.

it doesn't matter if you have an innie or an outtie between your legs, but whether you have the gonads to lead the most powerful government in the world. the thing between your ears that is most important is not the color of your face, but the content of your mind. and when you open your mouth, we don't want you to talk like that hilarious guy down at the corner bar, or the popular kid at our highschool, or the album we keep on repeat. we don't need a cool president, we need intelligent, reasonable, world wise, progressive thinkers (if we didn't want progress, there would really be no point to term limits, would there?).

so in an attempt to slap some sense into michael steele, and disable his reign as the GOPs token black guy, i offer a quick introduction to michael steele, the world's greatest sambo, and the new man keeping the black man down:

1. the man once offered to hook bobby jindal up with some "slum love", yet grew up in what he himself admits was a sheltered suburb of DC, and went to catholic school, where he was a member of the glee club. so if steele isn't qualified to give love from the slums, then perhaps he was offering some love for the slums.

then again, (piyush) "bobby" jindal was a privileged child of an upper class white collar family.

so the only conclusion i can come to here is that michael steele is putting on airs to make himself as black as he thinks white people want him to be, and he is doing double duty with this quote, because americans had recently been introduced to the idea that india is a cesspool thanks to the movie slumdog millionaire. so what i hear when steele says something like this is, "americans like their black people ghetto, and their indian people poor. hey everybody, i'm "black" michael steele, and this is my "indian" friend, "bobby"!"

2. said he wanted to diversify the republican party by luring people with "fried chicken and potato salad".

fuzzy zoeller once requested that tiger woods not serve fried chicken and collard greens at his championship dinner. zoeller became a pariah of the golf world, and was labeled a racist.

i get it. collard greens are a much more offensive side dish than potato salad.

3. steele claims to have brought some "hip-hop" to the GOP.

yeah, glee club is straight hip-hop.

does steele think that just because he is black, that he is associated with hip-hop? secondly, does he think that anybody in their right mind wants their politicians to be "hip-hop"?

if we wanted rapping politicians we would have voted for the mckinney/clemente ticket in '08.

ok, nobody got that joke.

let's say, if we wanted rapping politicians we would have voted for the -z/west ticket in '08 (bonus: secretary of state, fergilicious. auto czar, xzibit. plus, gaffin' kanye west as vice. "yo. yo, gaddafi. yo... yo, ima letchu finish, but i just gotta say, jigga is throwin' the greatest UN general assembly of all time!" and if you think michelle obama's arms look great in sleeveless, i'm willing to bet that even pillbox hats, flowered brooches, and sensible pumps make beyoncé's south lawn look good. her farmer's market too bootylicious).

then again, blackalicious already declared himself the paragraph president, and there has yet to be a movement to impeach.

the long and the short of this point is, if michael steele thinks he's so hip-hop, why isn't he using the suffix -ilicious more often?

he's just trying to make the GOP more conservalicious. the right to bear gats, and bust caps. freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and freestyle, and in the process making a joke of american politics.

but he's not street. he very well might not even have any grounded political beliefs. he just does what he's paid to do. with his mind on his money and his money on his mind.

4. he uses the phrase "bling bling".

if you can't take the concept of monetary wealth seriously during a global economic meltdown then how can you be taken seriously as a politician?

5. the oreo scandal. steele waffles back and forth on the issue of having oreo cookies thrown at him during a gubernatorial debate in aught-2. there were no reported incidents at the time of the debate, and steele himself made statements like, "maybe it was just someone having their snack", and "if it happened..." but later saying "it was raining oreos. they were thick in the air like locusts" (how biblical). those present at the debate are on both sides of the fence, but the debate moderator states that nothing of the sort happened at all.

so what to make of this? chocolate and creme cookies as a symbol of uncle tomiliciousness. if it did happen, then, as inappropriate as it may be, it is a pretty solid comment on a person like michael steele, who's knack for media friendly sound bytes is nothing more than a parroting back of his white overlords' ideals with a sterotypical and self deprecating "ghetto" vocabulary.

if it didn't happen, then steele himself is admitting to being, at the very least, close enough to oreo, that people might mistake him for one, and attempting to fabricate an incident in which he may come across as being hated by whitey.

6. steele's new blog, what up?

the first post, which of course bears a hip-hop themed title, "changing the game" (word.), asks of us readers (under the assumption that we are all republicans) "why are you a republican?" "how did you make your [decision about who to vote for]?" "how can we better serve you so you can help propel the republican movement?" (not a good way to revamp a party with a flagging public image, "tell us why you like being a part of a sinking ship, because we want to place more emphasis on those points")

steele claims to respond to each posted answer personally, though he didn't use the phrase "hitchu back on yo celly, boo" or "i'll holla!" or "i'ma get atchu later" so i really don't understand what he's talking about.

but since he does say in plain white english that he will respond to each posted comment personally, i urge you all, don't comment just to call him an oreo, but respond to him, telling him what party you support, or don't support, and why.

this stupid country of ours shouldn't be about party lines, and which side is winning, because when it's about competition, the people lose. this country is about getting our voices heard so that our representation truly represents the will of the people. so if republican puppet, chairman michael steele wants to be a real american leader, he will read, and consider every last voice, not just the one behind the curtain; every last voice, even if it isn't in 4/4 time with an 808 drum break and an auto-tune hook by t-pain.

if there are enough voices in his ear, he has to listen right?

how could he be so heartless?

homework: go to what up? and tell michael steele what your political beliefs are, and why you believe in them, and don't be afraid to write passionately, just don't get so passionate that you start dropping n-bombs, or calling him uncle tom.

extra credit: have fun refreshing the page and counting how many faces in the GOP logo at the top left are not young white people. then count how many of the black faces were born in the 20th (or 21st) century.

so... the moon is like, public domain, now?

because i'm pretty sure we just blew it up like we own it.

dateline: october9, 2009

NASA officially runs out of shit to do. decides to crash some old satellite machinery into the dark side of the moon to "see if we can find water there".

last night, while most of us were sleeping, NASA launched a missile mission at the cabeus crater on the south pole of the moon. they often claimed that the target site was on the dark side of the moon, despite the fact that they simultaneously bragged that you could watch the impact from earth with nothing more impressive than a 10 inch telescope (i think i deserve a little credit here for not venturing into the "impressive 10 inch telescope" joke).

i would think that blowing off a chunk of the moon would be big news, but so far i have yet to find much writing on the subject that post-dates the original plan which was hatched sometime in june, i believe. i have also been unable to find any footage of the event, despite the ease of viewing claimed by NASA, as well as their own live internet video feed, the only copy of which i found here. this terrible copy is nothing more than some person filming their computer screen with a camcorder that they did not think they should at least set down on a table or a stack of books, or for the love of god anything that would stabilize the picture! and the audio is muddled up by this person's heavy breathing and loud crunching of what i assume are some sort of fried snacks, proving that the only people interested in watching NASA missions (even the ones where they blow up the moon) are people who are up all night masturbating to internet porn and eating cheetos. this video shows approximately bupkiss, and then cuts to a NASA control room feed in which, immediately after the impact is declared a success, the "rocket scientists" exchange some unenthusiastic high fives, pack up their shit, and go home. the video then cuts to a round table discussion in which a mulleted man is asked for his opinion on the mission. and these are the people we trust to blow up the moon?

and for what?

to discover whether or not the water that the indian lunar mission chandrayaan-1 (as well as two others, none of which actually had to blow anything up) had already discovered is really and truly there?

some are saying this is a vital mission because if we can prove (for the fourth time) that there is water on the moon, we can gain some insight into whether or not there is water on mercury (which we have already discovered, there is). some say that the news that one ton of moon soil contains almost a quart of water (which we knew well in advance of bombing the moon) is a boon for the advancement of space exploration missions. this boon comes by way of a water source for people who need to stop off at the moon, or just want to hang out up there, or for the production of additional rocket fuel (i am not so much amazed as appalled that we are apparently willing to displace the amount of soil it would take to sustain human life for any length of time, let alone refuel a space shuttle, which i assume will need to be gassed up for a mars mission, at the very least).

all of these excuses to bomb the moon for information we already have, information which, now that we have it, brings literally nothing enriching to our lives or our society at all, are completely useless bullshit, and nothing more.

i may point out that the most enthusiastic media outlet in regards to this mission is rightpundits.com, who gushed with such literary marvels as, "isn't that awesome?" and "how cool is that?". even the NASA flight director's blog hasn't been updated since yesterday. i guess the mission couldn't have been all that exciting, if it didn't even warrant a fucking tweet from the guy who was in charge of the damn thing. he couldn't even delegate 160 characters to some intern?

now, far be it from me to be a freaky scare tactic god-bless-american, but we can't just go flying a couple bits of aerospace machinery into some shit that doesn't belong to us, and blowing it up. last time someone did that to us america the beautiful replaced take me out to the ballgame during 7th inning stretches, if you know what i mean.

this whole pointless space debacle is, to me, the best argument yet for the UN to get together and... and... for the UN...

i'm sorry, i am just laughing my ass off at the thought of the UN getting together and accomplishing anything binding and effective.

one moment...

this is the best argument yet for a coalition to begin protecting international, and interstellar territory. i think it is great that we have things like national parks, i truly do, but i believe even more strongly that we should not be demarcating small natural oases and edens within the rest of the universe that we are apparently allowed to fuck up and shit all over. instead, the entire natural universe should be considered sacred ground (in a non-religious sense) and the places we are allowed to fuck up and shit all over should be small demarcated zones of civilization and industry within the beautiful natural world.

of course that will never happen so long as we humans consider ourselves, and our needs to be the alpha and omega purposes for the existence of the universe in the first place.

so let's start small. how about we first consider disbanding NASA, and its wallet draining, morale killing, waste of outer space projects, which are clearly of no redeeming interest to any one but self gratifying basement dwellers, and NASA rocket scientists (you know what? let's not even draw a distinction between the two). i think they themselves have made a telling admission by calling this latest mission LCROSS (which they smartly pronounce "el cross") which is a french canadian slang term (when pronounced "la crosse") for masturbation.

which is exactly what NASA has become.

a very expensive practice in scientific masturbation.

mourez, la crosse!

it's the time of the seeeeeeason for... the highest tendency toward suicidal thoughts. oh, and... um... also for loving you?

this isn't the big thing i am brewing in the back that i promised in my email, just something to tide you over until the season's tidings drive you to drink so much that you don't care how funny (or blasphemous) my blog is.

about two months ago i was wandering through target looking for god knows what. i was so deep into the store that at that point i had probably abandoned my original search, and had begun a crusade for booze and pills. anyhoot, i must have wandered one aisle too far, because, all of a sudden, in the middle of august, i stepped past the camping gear, and into a cornucopia of red and green adorned shelving full of xmas crap.

i know what you're all saying... at this point in american history, haven't you found a cornucopia of xmas crap any time you find things for sale?

for isn't that the true meaning of xmas? buying a bunch of crap you hope won't lose it's novelty, at least until the next birthday, anniversary, valentine's day, mother's day, national pancake day, talk like a pirate day, guy fawkes day, or whichever new holiday we are expected to buy gifts for people now?

no, no, friend. this was the real shit. the light-up snowman lawn ornaments, the wireframe reindeer that will ultimately be positioned to look like they are fucking by some drunken kids walking through your neighborhood in the middle of the night, the inflatable santa claus, the scented candles, and candy canes, the plastic wreaths and over sized novelty bows, singing christmas tree mantle pieces, poinsettia centerpieces looking so... oh let's face it, poinsettias are hideous flowers just begging your dog to eat them and go into toxic shock. the whole shebang was right there in all its tacky loosely jesus-based glory. just kidding, there was nothing even remotely jesus-based about this display (why would there be? this is about xmas, not some religious holiday).

ah yes, xmas in august (and not that good christmas in august where the fire department donates toys to orphans). nothing says père noël like the sterile fluorescent lighting of a megamart, and 102 degrees in the shade.

upon stumbling into this alternate dimension, i thought to myself, maybe this is a fluke. maybe target is the only one. maybe they just forgot to take down last year's display. yes... maybe.

but then, oh what to my wondering eyes should appear in the mail last week?

popcorn factory catalogue!

oh, holy night!

this catalogue is surely the baby jesus version of the first robin of spring.

i think it's safe to assume that the megamarts and shopping malls will try to get people in the frantic buy buy buy xmas mood as soon as is humanly possible, but the popcorn factory brings a little taste of holiday heartburn right into your home and hearth. this harbinger of the holy(shit) season is a whopping 48 pages of uninvited guest, this year, and there is no better place to get those country cheese logs, powder coated imitation flavored popcorn balls, smoked nuts, summer sausage rolls, and various other phallically named hors d'oeuvres that tell your guests, "i don't want you here, and i hope you have a miserable time starting... now!"

lucky for me, i beat the holiday rush by ordering a gross ton (use either definition of "gross" there) of that stuff from a skyMall catalogue about 12 years back. so when you get my holiday snack basket, you can rest assured that it has been aging to perfection in my musty basement, chilling through the winter months, then sweating it out through the summer, year in and year out for well over a decade now. that's how much i love you all (heart <3).

now, those who know me well will know that i refuse to start celebrating xmas until the first "innocent" victim is trampled to death in a post thanksgiving day sale (oh it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, kind of like i have internal hemorrhaging from getting my ribs stepped on in pursuit of a discount tickle me elmo), but my best sarcasm really does happen when that magical mixture of amoral, self-indulgent consumerism meets TV ratings whores, meets "religion", and suddenly a country full of people who claim to be appalled by the body count during a war consider lifeless human corpses crunching under their beating hooves during a stampede for cheap electronics and novelty theme gift cards to be collateral damage. that's when i get to sit back and, being the last person on earth who still enjoys drinking egg nog, get drunk off a nutmeg and salmonella based cocktail, and watch the world eat itself.

but as much as i enjoy the xmas holiday (i continue to refer to it as xmas, because christmas insinuates some kind of religious under- or overtone, which, as anyone who has tried to convince me to abandon my crusade against xmas will tell you, xmas no longer has. oh the cries of, "it's not really a religious holiday. it's an american holiday". well, that's much better) and all the societal collapse it brings, i couldn't help but feel a bit sad the other day as i rode through town dodging cherry-picker after cherry-picker, hoisting city maintenance workers to the very tip tops of the trees that line the streets and avenues to string up xmas lights.

i thought to myself, you can have thanksgiving, because thanksgiving is just a meal and a mindset. i can celebrate thanksgiving unabated by the encroachment of xmas. but when you mess with my halloween, you messed with the wrong holiday. halloween is sacred, man. it's the one day of the year when kids get to be ungrateful, trouble making little miscreants, and we don't punish them, but rather reward them with candy. it's the day when we all get to dress up and pretend to be someone else... besides the person we pretend to be on a daily basis (i like to pretend i'm malcom jamal warner). halloween is about death, and scary stuff, and gross stuff (not cheese log gross, macabre gross). halloween is about anarchy, raising hell, and raising the dead, and i don't think we'll be coaxing any spirits out of the grave with a tub of artificially flavored popcorn big enough to bury a fat guy in.

and for anybody that is already buying, or putting up their xmas decorations: when halloween rolls around in a few weeks, if the little costumed hoodlums don't set up your artisan reindeer lawn ornaments to look like they are fucking...

i will.