some jackass is suing the bank for more money then even exists in the entire world, good luck a-hole

dalton chiscolm is suing bank of america for 1,784 billion trillion dollars. that's right. multiply a trillion by a billion, then again by 1,784. thats how much money this dick weed wants from the bank.

oh... and also he's demanding an additional $200,164,000. all to be direct deposited into his account the day after court ruling (should the world suddenly turn upside down, and he win the case).

but why?

he called customer service in new york on several occasions, and received inconsistent information from a "spanish womn (sic)".

ok, look, fuck face. if this were some plot to disenfranchise the entire world of monetary fundage to teach us all a lesson about the fundamental values of life, i get it. i do. but first of all, bank of america doesn't handle the finances of the entire world, and second, the entire world has about $60trillion. if the entire world bankrupted themselves to pay him this claim, chiscolm would have to live another 300 million years before he saw the last check.

oh my god this guy is a food grade moron.

how i long for a "loser pays" clause in our court circuit.

not that this case in any way qualifies as small claims, but it is a petty claim, that's for sure.

now, the judge has generously given chiscolm until today (october23) to explain why this sum of money is justifiable retribution for bad service (a claim which he has also yet to substantiate), because in all the hearings since this claim was filed in august, chiscolm has yet to explain just why he deserves this much money.

maybe not everyone understands, but there is this crazy thing going on outside the western world. it's called reality. in reality there exist places where you could hand someone a twenty dollar bill, and they would be so grateful for the blessing you have bestowed upon their life that they might offer their wife and kids as a thank you.

this cocksmokingshitwad chiscolm obviously has enough money to live in the US, have a bank account, and pay for a lawyer to handle his frivolous lawsuits.

if this guy doesn't come up with the greatest reason in the universe (and he had better, because one would have to span the universe in order to find that much money) for why he deserves this money, i say we make an example of him.

we drag his sorry ass out to the town square, and slowly and painfully kill him in a manner befitting a greedy self-serving bastard, as a lesson to every other greedy self-serving bastard out there who is thinking that their customer service is the most important thing in all of infinite space. then we take every thing he is worth, and donate it to bank of america to spend as they see fit, preferably for julliard trained ballerinas to dance on his grave, while the harlem boys choir sing hallelujah!, then we get a bunch of grizzled old rednecks to take turns spitting on his tombstone.

either that, or we strip him of everything he owns, including the clothes on his back, and exile him to, oh let's say, haiti, or sudan, or afghanistan... i don't know, pick someplace horribly poor and corrupt, ooh, i know...

the perfect place for the man who wants a thousand billion trillion dollars...

zimbabwe!

they have $10mill bills over there!

oh glory be, make this man live in zimbabwe, naked and broke, and make him earn back every US penny of the court fees and every bounced check he claims the bank screwed up on, and maybe a little extra for penalty (lets say... eleventeen gajillion dollars. that sounds fair). and if he should ever make this money, and earn his return to the US, kill him, execution style, at customs.

not that i defend the way in which our society lives slave to the dollar, but this man is making a joke of human life. specifically he is making a joke of the fact that life can be lived independent of the pursuit of monetary gain. he also makes a joke of everyone in this world who's life could be totally turned around for 500, 100, maybe even 20 bucks, but there isn't generosity enough in the world to make this happen. meanwhile he makes unfounded demands that he be given an amount of money that doesn't even exist. here's an amount of money that doesn't exist that i think is fair payment for this man's suffering: $0.

the staggering scope of the reparations this man is demanding can really only be discussed in figurative terms. so figure it to say that he wants all the money in the universe.

what for?

say we give it to him, what will he do with it?

there would be nothing to buy, because everything of any monetary value would have been liquidated to pay him, and there would be nothing to sell (for the same reason, but also) because nobody would have even a fraction of a cent to buy it. would you simply give us money? perhaps in exchange for our efforts to be productive members of society? if that is the case, then perhaps you should just let us continue our current system in which people with money simply give it to us in exchange for our efforts to be productive members of society. maybe the plan is to buy and humiliate every member of this at fault "spanish womn"'s family for the next few billion years, just to show her who's boss.

but until later today, when chiscolm appears in front of the judge to explain why he has earned all the money in the universe, i propose the zimbabwe plan.

we take all of chiscolm's money, and disperse it out amongst every other member of the universe. then we make him learn the value of a dollar however he needs to do so living in the streets of zimbabwe.

i hope he gets raped by a zebra.