the circus seconds the motion for hobo catapult! also, smells cookies, where is that coming from?!

so, a while ago i made a joke about how walnut creek probably shoots their homeless people in the middle of the night and hauls the bodies to oakland so the residents don't have to look at them.

today, i'm doing some research on homelessness, and i come across a blog entry by a fellow from concord who follows the city government's doings and whatnot, and this particular entry was regarding concord's inability to overcome their homelessness problems.

apparently walnut creek and pleasant hill (concord's nutty and agreeable neighbors, respectively) have much better success at keeping their problems under control. "claycord" (the blogger) decided to send letters of inquisition to the mayors of these cities as to how they managed to wrangle their hobos (which, interestingly, and kinda awesomely, is short for HOmeward BOund, and you can never get back the space that fact is now occupying in your brain). mayor sue rainy of walnut creek informs him that the "fresh start" program has been the key to their success. fresh start allows cops to pick up bums (and probably those hipster emo kids too, why not?) and process them through the program which will find out where they came from (where their families live, where they grew up, or their last known residence outside of walnut creek) and give them a one way ticket the fuck out of town, and back to who-gives-a-shit-as-long-as-its-not-walnut creek. 

bravo walnut creek! a more humane way to let the homeless know that you wish they never existed (if their families wanted to, or could, help them, don’t you think they already would be?). 

one of the responses to the blog suggested that concord best walnut creek by installing a hobo catapult.

AWESOME!

i concur, anonymous responder! they could point it at walnut 

creek. even better, they could both get hobo catapults, and have real bum fights (a useful alternative to those petty cash fights). worst case scenario, the janitor at the walnut creek PF changs is scraping some hobo off the window. wait do they have janitors in walnut creek, or do the police just cite the trash and have it bussed to richmond?

another response claimed that when salt lake city got the 2002 olympic bid, they rounded up the bums and gave them all one way bus tickets to vegas.

that's classy like bottled beer (ironically people from salt lake city won’t get that joke due to the near impossibility of purchasing a bottle of beer in utah).

i propose a multi-tiered program utilizing the pre-existing hobo removal tactics. first: we take a page from san francisco's book, and make the bus stops smell like fresh baked cookies, then when all the hobos have congregated, hoping for some hot chocolate chips, we herd them into buses and send them to utah, where they will be given the death penalty for attempting to buy beer. most likely it would be a battle to the death with those given the death penalty for being gay (no holds barred, two men enter, one man leaves, and then is shot on site by a man wearing full body underwear under his clothes. that’s how they roll out there, right?).

i need less time on my hands.