update 2: i may never get to sleep at this rate...

BP, the company responsible (or one of them, anyway) for the oil spill has a solution very much in line with gene taylor's solution, but a little more proactive:

let the spill break up and dissolve.

BP isn't just going to let the sun and wind take care of that though.

oh, no, BP has a plan:

dispersants.

BP is using chemicals that can dissolve and disperse oil spills when used in high volume.

sounds great right?

wrong. not only has BP already bought up fully one third of the entire world's supply of dispersants, and yet there is no end to the leak in sight (meaning we will run out of them well before the leak stops, apparently on its own, i guess is BP's mode of thought. remember how the nazis wanted to dam off the straight of gibraltar, and drown the mediterranean, but there actually isn't enough concrete in the world to do that? yeah, it's kind of like that. herman sörgel would be so proud), but the dispersants are known, known as in we already know them to be more toxic and hazardous than raw oil.

oh good...

for a second there i thought we were going to experience some long term effects from this whole thing. turns out the real long term effects will be from the solution.

now i can rest easy...

update: this is what they thought was going to happen...

you know, sometimes i say/write shit, just because i'm in the heat of things, and want to represent an extreme emotional response, simply to get an extreme emotional response.

then i read something like this and it blows my mind...

i was 100% right.

rep gene taylor said, "people shouldn't be so scared" about the spill in the gulf, "it's not as bad as i thought" and that the spill looked like "rainbows and chocolate milk".

oh.

OH!

how stupid of me!

if it looks like rainbows and chocolate milk, it can't be bad. in fact i bet it's a magical miracle from the lord jesus himself!

we drilled so deep we killed satan, and the earth is rewarding us by erupting in rainbows and chocolate milk!

zipitty fucking doo dah!

hurrah! huzzah!

tell you what taylor. you can have the first glass of chocolate milk, and let me know how it tastes.

this fucking a-hole took a 3 hour tour from 1,000 feet above the spill, and he thinks it will "break up" on its own very quickly.

er...

uhhhhhhh...

break up?

how so, fuck face?

and even if the spill did "break up" where would the pieces go?

they'd still be floating around in the ocean somewhere. or washing up on some shore.

or shall we just assume that the feathered and furry aminals will coat themselves in rainbows and chocolate milk and fly away with it to a magic land called extinction junction, and we can resume cranking out 8mpg behemoths over at the nummi plant (just kidding, toyota closed the nummi plant months ago, displacing thousands of jobs. jokes on... those thousands of recently unemployed people who can't collect unemployment because the state thought it more productive to sit around measuring their cocks than pass a budget, and the fed thought it better to play legislative chicken with people's lives. go congress, go prius!)

even more good news from rep taylor. the plan is to let nature take its course and allow the spill to evaporate on its own time(?).

oh, good. for a second there, i thought we were going to have to do something... to help alleviate the catastrophic effects of our ignorant and selfish actions.

that was a close one.

errrr... what exactly did you think was going to happen?

so i know i don't post here as often as i should. but the fact is, i write a ton of stuff either when i've been drinking, or post-ultra realistic dream... that kind of thing, and i just don't have the confidence in the piece to put it out there until i've proof read it while clear headed, and it's not that i don't like it when i'm thinking straight, it's just that i never go back to it.

but you know, i think it's time i just didn't queue it up for post. time that i just let it spill out, to gush forth like black, iridescent fossil fuels from beneath the gulf of mexico.

so here it is...

i'm a guy. just a guy. just a guy who knows a girl. just a girl who was born to a guy. just a guy who is responsible for placing haliburton in the persian gulf.

and you know what?

this girl is one of the most stand up, selfless girls in the whole world.

and i doubt her father is a bad person.

how could he be?

he made a pretty amazing child.

so when i hear that haliburton is on deck to take this whole gulf of mexico spill on the chin, what's a guy to think?

i know haliburton is a fucked up, amoral corporate whore-fest that only wants to make a buck, and if they happen to ruin a large portion of the planet, well, most of them make enough money to move somewhere that they didn't destroy.

and certainly i don't plan on defending them simply because i personally know someone who might be hurt if i went for the throat.

but this is my life.

i think and act often in cold rational detachment, mostly because i have to, mostly because i find myself in these conundrums in which personal experience, and logical thought come to a baffling and contradictory intersection right on my goddamn face.

and ultimately people get hurt, because we are people, and we don't deal in cold rational detachment, even if it gets the conundrum off your face.

but i don't really feel like going for the throat here... why? you ask.

because we were drilling holes, miles deep in the earth, with the intention of dredging up billions of gallons of toxic sludge.

and we fucked up.

no goddamn shit.

what the fuck did we think was going to happen?

that we were going to drill so deep that we would never run out of oil?

or that we would drill so precise that we could never in a million years make a mistake?

mistake or no, this was bound to happen eventually.

ever heard of an earthquake?

a volcanic eruption?

i should fucking hope you've at least heard of a volcanic eruption.

remember last week when you couldn't get a flight back from your wine tour of the parisian countryside because iceland spewed all over eurasia? yeah, that's a volcanic eruption, and shit like that happens, without warning, all the time. especially in places where large, odd, and extremely deep punctures in the earth's crust happen to be.

so ladi fucking dah. here we are with the left hand punching in the launch codes to blast innocent brown people into keeping our gas prices under 4 bucks, and the right hand holding a sign proclaiming "drill, baby, drill!".

and new orleans gets a giant metaphorical cock up the ass, once again.

meanwhile, the government owns a car company that the taxpayers are bailing out, and congress is calling them out for lying to the public, and not even about the things the public knows that that company is lying about, which it is, but we seem to be ok with those things, because we've been lied to about them long enough that it's almost weird if we're not being lied to about them. and one of the things that that company is lying about, yet nobody seems to give a shit about, is their gas mileage, but you know what? nobody cares that that company is lying about it because nobody gives a shit where gas comes from.

as long as it comes from that little nozzle at the ARCO, what difference does it make?

well, when it stops coming from that little nozzle at the ARCO, and starts coming bursting out of the ocean floor at about a thousand gallons a minute, it actually makes a big difference.

we just went from slowly strangling the environment, to instantly drowning it.

fuck fuck fuck, fuckitty fuck fuck, fuck fuckin fuck.

are we this stupid?

i submit that the answer is so above and beyond, far and away, some concept so yes-like, that there is actually no possible way for human brains to understand how much the answer is yes.

not a bunch of human brains that created the situation that we are now in.

you FUCKing idIOTS!

we have absolutely, and for a very long period of time, demolished the nature of a very large portion of the planet.

uhhhhhhhhh...

do you think it might be time to stop now?

you know, i do. but as for a majority of the world, let me take a wild guess...

i submit that their answer is so above and beyond, far and away, some concept so no-like, that there is actually no possible way for my brain to understand how much the answer is no.

do our children literally need to drown in spilled petroleum before we cut this shit out?

you know what? why do i even ask silly questions like that?

we get cancer, birth defects, and record SIDS numbers from carcinogens we put into the atmosphere. we blame someone else.

we get diabetes, and heart disease from foods we choose to consume. and we blame someone else.

we create new continents made entirely of garbage in 5 separate places on the aquatic map. we blame someone else.

we live miserable, pathetic, sheltered, unhappy lives for a staggeringly long time. we blame someone else.

the list goes on. the punchline stays the same... we blame someone else.

some people may wonder why i hate the world.

ha.

that list is long and depressing.

but if we break it down to just one topic...

chernobyl, three mile island, exxon valdez, the gulf coast spill, the persian gulf wars, the explosion of cancers, hiroshima, nagasaki, agent orange (brought to you by the producers of valero gas, think again before you fill up at that trendy new petrol station. think about vietnamese children with fabric patterns melted into their skin...) the pacific garbage gyre, styrofoam (packing peanuts), asbestos, CFLs (danger: product contains a toxic amount of mercury. but they last so much longer, so long as you don't follow up on that claim...) silicone surgical implants, animal testing, animal cruelty, the amount of petroleum and other deadly pollutants necessary to make just one single cel of film (seriously, one film is the equivalent of a tire fire like the size of the empire state building, and i won't even tell you what it takes to make those lithium ion batteries that your prius runs on...), and why we waste that on shit like hot tub time machine... seriously, do i need to go on?

i swear to god, every morning that someone doesn't find me hanging by a belt from the rafters, must be some kind of miracle, because that depressing list is just a portion of one, one single topic for which i find myself completely and utterly depressed, disgusted, and disappointed with this life that i've heard so much about.

we cannot undo the things we have done, and now we will raise many generations of children who won't know that the mississippi delta shouldn't be black and greasy.

does life suck this much when people are stupid enough to create this kind of a world?

i submit that yada yada yada... yes.

congratulations. i'm almost certain that 99.9999999999% of the population will have learned nothing from this.

ohmyGOD! france built an air powered car! ohmyGOD! it only costs $4,000! ohmyGOD! it looks like a rocket powered lima bean! ohmyGOD!ohmyGODohmyGOD!

my parents tell me that when i was a baby, i couldn't wait to crawl, and once i figured that out, all i wanted to do was escape from things and go exploring. at the tender age of two, i apparently decided that i knew how to rock climb, and tested that theory out on the hallway cabinets. apparently, i did know how to climb. what i didn't know was how to tie myself into a harness, safely belay said harness, or rappel down a sheer face. it was at this point i exercised my only option, and jumped from the top of the cabinets, busting open my head on a broken door handle on the way down.

the lesson here is, at first, exploring new things may seem like an amazing, unparalleled adventure to some, while to others, it may seem like a painful step backward, often to the hospital for stitches.

now, maybe it's the multiple head injuries i've sustained, but i'm the type of guy who loves a good trip to the hospital, if it means i'm having an adventure (and what trip to the emergency room isn't an adventure?). i think it's because of just that. going to the hospital is an adventure, and adventure, no matter how painful it may be, and how bad failure can hurt, means that there is progress being made, new frontiers explored, i am living long and prospering, and all that... that said, i'd like to talk to you about our reluctance as a species to embrace new things, simply because they might require that we, momentarily, step back from the degree of luxury, or awesomeness that we have already become accustomed. and i'd like to start with another bit of nostalgia from my youth...

you know, i have this old air compressor in my garage. it's been down there since my grandpa bought it, like 75 years ago. it's never really needed any kind of tune up, or repair, though it has been in use consistently since it was purchased, and it's performance has never waned, or faded.

so, as you might imagine, when i heard that france has created a car that runs on compressed air, my reaction was something like this:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU CAN MAKE A CAR THAT RUNS ON COMPRESSED FUCKING AIR?!!! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WE COULD HAVE BEEN BEING DRIVING AROUND IN AIR POWERED CARS SINCE THE BEGINNING?! WE COULD HAVE BEEN BEING DOING THIS SINCE THE INVENTION OF MECHANICALLY COMPRESSED GAS?!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME AIR CARS WOULD BE BY NOW?!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE THIS WOULD HAVE SAVED THE WORLD?????!!!! GET THE FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING?!!! MY GOD, MAN!!!!!! AIR POWERED GODDAMNED CARS!!!!!

yeah, if i recall correctly, it went sumthin' like that. hard to say exactly, since i blacked out at one point, and woke up in my garage attempting to strangle my air compressor, and cursing the french for myriad reasons.

now, before we all go nuts here, allow me to point out the downfalls of the new technology, the ways in which we would need to step back a bit in order to embrace this thing. firstly, oil, hydrogen, biodiesel, hybrid, water and all that other cool stuff that we can run cars on, and some big company gets to charge you for, go belly up (not really a downfall, unless you have a big stake in the auto sector of those industries, and don't think you can get a job somewhere else in the industry). secondly, the company, MDI, can only promise (for the first model in production) just under 10hp, for a top speed of 50mph. third, it has a range of about 90 miles per fill up. fourth, and finally, the car is godawful hideous. it looks like a wad of flubber with big adorable kitten eyes.

now the upside: it's a freakin' car that runs on freakin' air for 4 freakin' grand!!!!

that aside. it can also be "refueled" in a matter of a couple of minutes, for the cost of 1 cent per mile. it's also a freakin' car that runs on freakin' air! i think we really do need to step back a second here, and make sure that we encourage the support and development of this new technology. i don't care how fast it goes, or how far it goes, or how ugly it is. we need to keep in mind that this is a prototype, of a first model. the fact that this exists at all is flubbergasting (get it? because it looks like flubber. i crack myself up). if we allow some time, this technology will push forward, no doubt at an amazing rate. i have no doubt that, given the right amount of enthusiasm for this project, our grandchildren would never have to have personal experience with what a really dumb idea the petroleum powered internal combustion engine was. but we need to give this thing time, and effort.

let's face it, we didn't start making internal combustion engines that went 150mph for 350 miles per tank right away. it took time. it took work. and if you are one of those stitches are a bad thing, the glass is half empty, don't fuck with my energy futures stock portfolio, the devil you know... type of people, all i ask is that you not stand in the way of the people who are willing to make a go at this. i also ask that you have a little patience...

remember, you have to learn to crawl... before you can rock climb with no spotter, crash pad, helmet, or safety harness.

the circus is getting mixed messages. come on corporate america, do you want to abuse my natural voraciousness for blind consumerism, or don't you?

i just want to make sure everybody is clear on this issue: big business owns network television.

big business also makes deals with the government to get leniency on certain things. for example: the government requires that a certain amount of air time be given to public awareness of topical issues, free of charge. however, if law and order:suspect abuse unit just happens to air an episode where one of the characters is a pot smoking teenager who gets kidnapped because of a drug deal gone bad, or an underage girl who has unprotected sex and get AIDS, then a certain amount of that PSA time gets absolved because that show would be depicting people who do things the government doesnt like, and consequently suffering for it. 

similarly, if a major global polluter, i.e. GE, who happens to own NBC (and while we are on the subject, no GE didnt buy NBC, GE created NBC because when NBC was created GE's bread and butter was radios and televisions, so GE decided they would put something on those radios and televisions to give the consumer a reason to buy them. so yes, TV is and always has existed for the purpose of selling you shit you dont need) anyway, back to the major global polluter. lets stick with the GE example, if GE happens to need to meet a certain quota vis a vi a decrease in pollution that they can't nearly meet while still raping your pocketbooks, they might, let's just say, offer up 150 hours of "green TV" on their network affiliates. things like episodes of my name is earl, the office, and 30 rock rife with hackneyed plot points involving "going green" and liberal environmentalist guest stars. for doing this GE is most likely receiving massive amounts of carbon points from the government, after factoring in these free points, and then pointing out that al gore showed up on a very special episode of 30 rock, and sponsorship priority was given to toyota hybrid commercials, GE and NBC look like golden gods in the eyes of ignorant masses the world over.

allow me to take this moment to point out the overwhelming amount of evidence piling up in the case of al gore: egomaniacal trend whore (i dont care how ornery people get when the weather heats up, being an advocate against global warming has nothing to do with world peace, give the nobel prize back you fat a-hole, and take off the green tie, its purpose is completely transparent and you look like a dillhole). allow me to also point out the irony here: the irony of al gore showing up on 30 rock and "explaining" how great a program block of "green tv" would be for the world, without actually explaining how it works in GE's favor rather than that of the environment, and the irony of a television program block dedicated to "going green" sponsored by a car company and broadcast on networks owned by one of the largest energy conglomerates in the world. i don't care how good the gas mileage is, it's still a car. this is like getting a safe sex message on late night cinemax from a company that makes sheepskin condoms.

and while we're on the subject of mixed messages from big business, don't be fooled when you see a chevron commercial pleading for everyone to "use less".

what are we? simple?

chevron doesn't want us to use less. hey everyone, i'm a butcher and i sure wish there were more vegetarians in the world! doesn't quite sound right, does it? they want us to use less of the other guys' stuff. and when we do use, they want us to think about how "progressive and selfless" chevron is, so, perhaps, we'll go to one of their stations to fill up because they are such a noble, earth-first company.

bullshit.

now, i know you are all intelligent people. i just needed to vent my abhorrence for the blind ignorant faith with which the world seems to be jumping head-up-ass first into this whole going green trend. it's not that i'm anti-environment. it's not that i dont believe in global warming. i'm very much pro-environment. i do believe in global warming, i just think that every time we see a comercial for some "green" product, or hear al gore spewing from his doughy pie hole, we don't have to jump all over it like its gospel, slap a "he's not MY president" bumper sticker on it, and brag about how savvy were being.

you want to start being part of the solution? stop consuming... everything. i don't care if its a new prius, 150 hours of so-called green television, or an anti-establishment bumper sticker, if you want bragging rights, then you need to just stop.

and to veer slightly off topic here, as for your "liberal" bumper stickers... 

take them off. "i never thought i'd miss nixon"? really? you miss nixon? anything to do with ending the war? is that all you have to say? how about we get all those soldiers back here who are just begging to god to come home alive and well, and see if they think that a $2 bumper sticker (plastered to the bumper of a car that runs on the very thing they are getting shot at and killed to protect. the very thing that puts them in situations where they have to decide if they can kill another human being) was enough effort to get them out of harm's way. "he's not my president"? isn't he? are you canadian? oh, then he is your president. i don't like him any more than you do, but he is our president. maybe you didn't vote for him, i sure didn't. but we as a collective country did. twice. if you don't like it, stand up and do something about it. say something about it. don't quietly go about your life placating yourself with pathetic sloganeering.

alrighty, im done being a grizzled old man.

in conlcusion, we all do things that hurt the environment. but that's life, we are a needy species of microcephalous idiots (my favorite new phrase), and we demand more of the planet then the planet has to offer. but unless we are all going to march single file off a cliff, which i don't recommend (unless you really want to...), we have to accept this. and yes we should do whatever we can to lessen the damage, but maybe jumping on every little trend we see on tv without asking questions isn't the answer.