sometimes you gotta say, "fuck it, i'm going to a peta anti-foie gras rally in yountville, california"

and fuck it, i will.

hey, why not?

as misguided, unfruitful, or just plain back-asswards as peta's efforts can be at times, they still have fantastic intentions (this according to me), and do more for animal rights in this country than any other org.

so why not go to a one hour rally, at a restaurant that most people have never heard of, in a city no one has ever heard of, in a state that has already passed legislation creating an impending ban on the thing being protested?

why not indeed.

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a brief history of the french laundry

the french laundry (is the name snooty enough for ya?) in yountville, CA is a restaurant that is so good that you have to be somebody amongst somebodys just to get on the months and potentially years long waiting list to spend $250 a plate on a fixed 2 meal menu (plus wine, selected from their prestigious 101 page list). an eatery voted "best restaurant in the americas" (yes that says americas, as in two friggin' continents), a restaurant that received 3 stars (highest honor) in the michelin guide, an honor only bestowed upon 81 establishments in the entire world (the michelin guide is so goddamn snooty that the rankings are defined as such: one star "a very good restaurant in its category, worth a stop", two stars "excellent cooking, worth a detour", three stars "exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey", dude, i consider cho's dim sum to be exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey, and i'm pretty sure he deep fries his spring rolls in decades old rancid squirrel grease, so the michelin guide is not exactly loosey goosey with the compliments), a restaurant so high maintenance in its cuisine that the chef will par cook an egg, then remove the yolk with a razor blade, season, and whip it, then place it back inside the white to finish cooking so that it will have not just the perfect palate, but the perfect texture, in an enigmatically flawless package (how did this chicken lay a chocolate mousse flavored egg?).

despite a ban that will go into effect in 2012, it appears thomas keller, the chef at the french laundry, will continue serving foie gras until he is actually legally prohibited from doing so. chefs the likes of wolfgang puck have already stopped serving foie gras in their CA establishments, but then again, they have a higher profile, and more product to move.

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a brief history of foie gras

foie gras (pronounced fwah grah, and translated as fat liver, which just goes to show exactly how refined the french are. being that foie gras is a french cuisine, we can imagine that ordering it in france would be similar to going to an american diner and ordering a "slice of the rotting pig corpse", instead of a "pork chop") is the fattened liver of a duck or goose. fattened through force feeding the animal corn, as dictated by french law (seriously). foie gras is such a fancy pants delicacy that it is typically served in one of four ways, of which pâté is the least fancy.

having been born in a country where we think that the fanciest things in the world are champagne, caviar, and pâté, it's hard to believe that there are three levels of foie gras fancier than pâté, especially since foie gras caviar is impossible, and foie gras champagne is almost less appealing than actively participating in 2 girls 1 cup. as an ignorant american, i can only assume then that the 4 levels of foie gras in ascending order are 4) foie gras pâté, 3) supersize foie gras pâté, 2) supersize foie gras pâté with cheese, and 1) the supersize bacon ranch foi gras pâté with cheese (actually: pâté, parfait, mousse, and whole meat).

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is it me or does tortured meat seem to make the most luxurious meals?

force fed migratory fowl yield foie gras.

genetically mutated, non-ambulatory barn foul make damn tasty fried chicken, and low fat alternatives to red meat (gotta love that turkey jerky).

baby cows slaughtered before they are able to walk are $72/lb veal chops.

compared to the above, castrating the cow to "purify" it so that it can be certified kobe beef seems almost tame when you take into consideration the beliefs that kobe beef cows must also be served beer daily, massaged with sake, and brushed to tame and manage their fur.

i don't know if i'd trade my testicles for a lifetime of beer and asian massages (after all, without my fun bits, how could i enjoy the happy ending?) but i'd certainly give up my man nuggets before i submitted to the life of a chicken nugget.

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all in all, i'm not sure why i want to go to this peta thing.

maybe it's because after years of supporting peta's ultimate goals, i feel like i owe them a little effort by way of supporting their means (and i certainly wasn't about to get on the sea kitten bandwagon, or throw paint on liz taylor).

maybe it's because fancy restaurants make me uncomfortable, and i'd like to stand outside one with an angry mob, yelling at the chef.

but probably it's becuase i can't resist the sheer randomness in the prospect of waking up sturday morning and saying to myself, "fuck it, i'm going to a peta anti-foie gras rally in yountville, california. i'm going to the most prestigious culinary establishment in the western hemisphere, and i'm gonna burn that mother down."