sure, i could bring you the news, but...
now, to the untrained eye, this blog might appear to be mostly about industrialized food and the porn industry, but i find that notion a little... hard... to... swallow.
face it, it only seems that way because most of our lives are spent dealing with sex or food, keeping in mind of course that beer is industrialized food, and you are only drinking it because sexy women told you to, when you bought your car you considered how many cup holders it had and/or how many women would be more likely to fuck you when you casually uttered the phrase e-class, and you watch football and stuff your face with giant sauce covered sausages because you have secret deep seeded homo-erotic tendencies that need to manifest themselves somehow (that tight end really knows how pound it up the middle... hey, wanna see how many hot links i can fit in my mouth?). by the way, the reason you watch football may be the same reason you deep fry your twinkies, because you have a need to overcompensate for the fact that you are eating a banana flavored (true) cream filled cake phallus called a twinkie made by a company called hostess, who's mascot wears nothing but spurs, a cowboy hat, and a neckerchief with hearts on it, he wants to tie you up, and boats that "you get a big delight in every bite!".
and you have to deep fry them like a "real man" to justify how much you enjoy putting them in your mouth, you sick repressed self loathing bastard. oh, hello, awkward thanksgiving. i didn't see you come in.
speaking of things i didn't see you come in.
dentyne ice has a little something to say about safe sex.
it's stupid.
come on, guys and gals. how lame is it to put on a condom, or take the pill?
what's really important is that your future baby mama or daddy has nostril stingingly intense fresh breath.
at least that's the message i get from their new ad campaign featuring little vignettes of people about to get their fuck on, at which point the woman insinuates that the man get something for protection, and the man is apparently prompted to whip out a pack of dentyne (or bum a pack off of his man whore roommate, who of course, keeps a pack in his nightstand drawer for all those minty taste-tastic one night stands).
ok, so maybe i'm not reading enough into this (threw ya a curve there, didn't i?).
maybe dentyne ice is some sort of great new method of contraceptive.
maybe...
breath mints are supposed to enhance oral sex, which i guess deters people from the more penetrative bun in the oven kind.
or maybe you're supposed to chew up a big ol' wad of it and cram it in the woman's vagina like a diaphragm.
or maybe just one little piece packed up against her cervix like a today sponge.
or maybe she's supposed to chew it up, blow a bubble with it, and then roll it on the guy's dick with her mouth like how a prostitute puts on a condom.
perhaps ticTacs are really meant to be little penis corks.
perhaps listerine breath strips are to be used like some sort of dental dam.
perhaps the intense menthol sensation is supposed to burn your genitals until you never ever want to use them for pleasure again.
any way you slice it, if breath fresheners are supposed to be used as prophylactics, it would certainly explain why altoids taste like spermicide smells.
1 comment:
I thought the creamy jizz element of Twinkies was gay enough. And then you had to add all of that damned Foreplay Dave. Again you point out my failings in being a consummate, well versed homosexual... DAMN YOU!
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