retooling the tonight show, one tool at a time.

i wouldn't call myself a jay leno fan.

well, ok, maybe that's going to far...

i would say that i hate jay leno's comedy. ok, that's a little more reasonable.

yet, somehow, like so many other things, i have seen enough of, or heard enough about it to be able to speak on it. so here i go: jay leno's WHCD schtick was totally recycled, and i knew that even before politico released this little nugget. dude, leno, your corny. hang it up, man.

look, leno, i know you're a comedian, and too be fair, you certainly ripped on the bush administration enough, but i feel like you don't know how to walk that line between lampooning the absurd, or the unfortunate, or the idiotic, and making disparaging comments that will actually hurt the cause of something positive.

this of course is only my opinion of what is positive, but i don't think that there's any subjectivity to the statement that leno skews way right these days, and his comedy doesn't just push obama toward good things by publicly shaming him where he fails, but also publicly scolds him where he succeeds, and creates a leno fan base that (often too ignorant to get their news anywhere else) will have a warped view of this administration. now, call it what you will, liberal double standard, hypocrisy, but i just feel like bush didn't do much good in the world, while obama is trying to. where leno's bush years comedy was more like pointing out the obviously comical, his obama years comedy is off in the realm of taking fox news talking points and dumbing them down (watch his show, discover that it is possible) into a bonehead one-liner formula.

so what could we have expected when he gets the political comedy gig of a lifetime, and doesn't even bother to write new material?

"cash for flunkers", jay? seriously?

that joke is hardly even funny the first time around. even if you consider things that simply rhyme to be funny, this joke is pretty elementary.

and he's standing in front of the most elite crowd of the year, dumpster diving through his own old, hack material.

comedically speaking, obama wrecked leno.

much like i advocate making dubbya and palin the new host and hostess of the wheel of fortune (because he is good at asinine banter with simpletons, and she might be able to recognize the english alphabet if it were presented to her, one letter at a time, on giant glowing TV screens) i say, give obama the tonight show. he's charismatic, smooth, funny, and he knows a thing or two about current events. meanwhile, leno is pointing out typos in small town penny-saver ads, poorly ripping off SNL skits, still dunking on paris hilton (yep... still), cackling his way through his completely hacked "jay walking" man-on-the-street bits, and sticking his tongue up celebrities asses.

what's more, i can stand to listen to obama's voice for more than 3 consecutive seconds. leno, on the other hand, gets the dogs in my neighborhood all worked up, and then i'm listening to blood curdling squealing from all directions (yeah, that's right, leno's voice sounds like the loosing party in a chihuahua fight).

and frankly, i'll take gaffin' joe on guitar any day over kevin eubanks. fuck, man, eubanks is such a toooooooool. but even better, lets go trans-administration. let's get gaffin' joe in the announcer booth, and get slick willy clinton on sax as the band leader. at least gaffin' joe can put a sentence together. can't say as much for stuttering john. besides, with slick willy as side-kick, all the jokes about chasing young tail will ring comically true, not just creeppily plausible, like with eubanks.

obama set up shop on leno's face at the WHCD.

come on, man, "you know what really tickles me? ... eric massa." that's fucking gold.

"true love is the hardest thing to find... well, that and a birth certificate" dude, that's conan level self-deprecation right there.

having recently had the chance to see conan o'brien live, i can comfortably say that there is no one i'd rather watch on late night TV.

he truly was the rightful heir to the tonight show throne.

but that throne has been sullied. sullied by leno and his tired ass captain sully jokes, and conan doesn't want it anymore. so fine, i will follow coco to TBS. he has more than earned my adoration. but as for leno, by presidential decree, i say we air drop his ass out in the middle of the sahara with kevin eubanks, stuttering john, and nothing but one of his old stanley steamer million dollar classic cars with the water tank running low.

it could be a new NBC reality show. now that's a leno i'd watch in the 10PM slot.

i'm not a moron, get me out of here!

what the fuck is a frangela?

if it's not a tiny little orange, or a hazelnut liqueur, NBC's got some 'splainin' to do. they can 'splain it right after they 'splain why this i'm a celebrity show needs to be on 4 NIGHTS A WEEK! and why there aren't any celebrities on it.

turns out a frangela is about a thousand pounds of "ooh child" "go girl" and "no he d'ent" in stereoscope (that's much funnier when you see how i'm bobbing my head and wagging my finger as i type it).

and without the aid of the internet, who the fuck is janice dickensen? now, with the aid of the internet, all together, she's a model, STUPID!

that thing is a model? for what?! footwear? hockey pads? burqas? maybe she was a spokesmodel for dramamine. they would have moved a lot of product that way, cause her face makes me want to barf.

rod blagojevic's ex-wife?

i might as well just stop there.

are you trying to muscle me out of broadcast tv? i mean, it's this kind of crap over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. if i stick with broadcast tv, all i've got to cling to is conan, jeopardy!, seinfeld reruns, and PBS, and truth be told, there's actually a lot of crap on PBS, as well. if i want to watch a giants game, if i want to watch some decent cartoons, if i want to watch live government feeds, if i want a decent selection of educational programing, i have to pay for cable? denied.

oh, hold on there, mister, you're about to enter a wonderful world of ocular and aural pleasures the likes of which you never dreamed. here comes the digital tv conversion! doo-do-do-dooooo!

first they tell us, "it'll be a much better picture"

i've been living with this "much better picture" for months now, it is in fact far far far worse. audio and video cut out at random times for unpredictable amounts of time, its poppy and pixelated most of the time, the audio just decides on its own what volume it wants to be at, and if there's a slight breeze out, i might as well just leave the tv off and voluntarily slip into an epileptic seizure.

meanwhile, they pushed back the date that the conversion would finally be finished. "they" claimed it was because some tv stations weren't ready to make the conversion yet. funny, when they pushed back the date, all the networks were kind of pissed because they had set up leases on analog broadcast towers that ended on the original cutoff date and had new leases on digital towers that began circa the cutoff date. so who were they really pushing back the date for?

cable providers, of course. them and electronics manufacturers. not enough people actually switched to cable or satellite tv, or ran out and bought new "digital ready" tv sets,  so they thought they'd give us a little time to stew in the craptasticness of the digital broadcast. which brings up another question: why do i need a box to convert an over the air digital broadcast if i already have an antenna that picks up over the air broadcast? they show us all these diagrams of how antenna towers will shut down and all our tv will be piped into our hosues via a series of tubes. i assume the people who thought of this are the same people who think ted stevens is hip to modern technology. when is this happening? i'm still picking up the digital broadcast from a broadcast with an antenna (the same one i've always used) like always. and how do you propose to explain that i now get all these channels in HD when i don't own a tv with hd capabilities? you can broadcast it in hd digital platinum champagnevision on magical rainbows for all i care, i still need the same old antenna on my roof to get the signal and i don't have a tv that can play high def digital, so what is this box on top of my tv doing for me? i can put marshmallows in my gas tank if i want, too. that doesn't mean i have a car that runs on marshmallows, it means i have a useless pile of car parts in my driveway, and a bunch of delicious marshmallows i can't quite reach.

and now that we are down to the wire on the conversion deadline, the commercials are starting to get a bit more honest, aren't they? first it was "the digital conversion is coming. what does that mean? more channels, more hd, and better picture on your regular channels. converting is easy, just pick up a coupon online for a free box, plug it in and follow the instructions on the screen" now it's (and i'm not exaggerating here) "you may not be ready for the dtv switch. if you don't purchase a box or switch to a cable/satellite provider by the cutoff date, you won't be able to enjoy tv. in order to get the signal you must have a working antenna on your roof, you may have to buy additional antennae to supplement the one on your roof, and you may have to place them at odd places in your house in order to get a picture [i find i get the most satisfaction out of my supplemental antenna when its in my toilet and i've recently had a hearty mexican meal, for example]. remember, an antenna needs a clear line of sight to the broadcast tower, unobstructed by trees, buildings [leaves in the breeze, dust, clouds, rain, fog, heavy breathing, car exhaust, spider webs, satin finish house paint, matte finish house paint, houses in general, any other electronic signals including the natural magnetic field of the earth, the suns radiation...] and other tall things. even still, some people may not get all the channels, some people may experience bad or no sound or picture, and some may get no reception at all."

well now you fucking tell me! i mean, i knew all this shit from the beginning. i'm not a rube. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how basic electronic broadcasts work, and how getting it shoved up your ass by big business works. and now i'm on the list of people who don't get all the channels, experience bad or no sound or picture, and sometimes, no reception at all (supplemental antennae actually make the picture and sound worse).

i don't need all the crap on network tv. not any more than a i need a hole in my head adjacent to my frontal lobe to release the pressure of the weight of the world, like that guy in pi. but it's a citizen's right to free access to decent news (to be fair, deutsche welle, russia today, bbc world news, and news hour provide, on network tv, 1,000% better news that any news channel on cable does, aside from c-span and al jazeera, which are crucial to certain people who want to stay up with world news. i.e. me), and educational television should always be a top priority. you know what happens to a population of kids raised on braindead crap (including cable programing)?

exhibits A and B:

non-celebrities heidi and spencer.

someone please kidnap, torture, and eventually kill them.

now that i would pay to watch.

the circus is getting mixed messages. come on corporate america, do you want to abuse my natural voraciousness for blind consumerism, or don't you?

i just want to make sure everybody is clear on this issue: big business owns network television.

big business also makes deals with the government to get leniency on certain things. for example: the government requires that a certain amount of air time be given to public awareness of topical issues, free of charge. however, if law and order:suspect abuse unit just happens to air an episode where one of the characters is a pot smoking teenager who gets kidnapped because of a drug deal gone bad, or an underage girl who has unprotected sex and get AIDS, then a certain amount of that PSA time gets absolved because that show would be depicting people who do things the government doesnt like, and consequently suffering for it. 

similarly, if a major global polluter, i.e. GE, who happens to own NBC (and while we are on the subject, no GE didnt buy NBC, GE created NBC because when NBC was created GE's bread and butter was radios and televisions, so GE decided they would put something on those radios and televisions to give the consumer a reason to buy them. so yes, TV is and always has existed for the purpose of selling you shit you dont need) anyway, back to the major global polluter. lets stick with the GE example, if GE happens to need to meet a certain quota vis a vi a decrease in pollution that they can't nearly meet while still raping your pocketbooks, they might, let's just say, offer up 150 hours of "green TV" on their network affiliates. things like episodes of my name is earl, the office, and 30 rock rife with hackneyed plot points involving "going green" and liberal environmentalist guest stars. for doing this GE is most likely receiving massive amounts of carbon points from the government, after factoring in these free points, and then pointing out that al gore showed up on a very special episode of 30 rock, and sponsorship priority was given to toyota hybrid commercials, GE and NBC look like golden gods in the eyes of ignorant masses the world over.

allow me to take this moment to point out the overwhelming amount of evidence piling up in the case of al gore: egomaniacal trend whore (i dont care how ornery people get when the weather heats up, being an advocate against global warming has nothing to do with world peace, give the nobel prize back you fat a-hole, and take off the green tie, its purpose is completely transparent and you look like a dillhole). allow me to also point out the irony here: the irony of al gore showing up on 30 rock and "explaining" how great a program block of "green tv" would be for the world, without actually explaining how it works in GE's favor rather than that of the environment, and the irony of a television program block dedicated to "going green" sponsored by a car company and broadcast on networks owned by one of the largest energy conglomerates in the world. i don't care how good the gas mileage is, it's still a car. this is like getting a safe sex message on late night cinemax from a company that makes sheepskin condoms.

and while we're on the subject of mixed messages from big business, don't be fooled when you see a chevron commercial pleading for everyone to "use less".

what are we? simple?

chevron doesn't want us to use less. hey everyone, i'm a butcher and i sure wish there were more vegetarians in the world! doesn't quite sound right, does it? they want us to use less of the other guys' stuff. and when we do use, they want us to think about how "progressive and selfless" chevron is, so, perhaps, we'll go to one of their stations to fill up because they are such a noble, earth-first company.

bullshit.

now, i know you are all intelligent people. i just needed to vent my abhorrence for the blind ignorant faith with which the world seems to be jumping head-up-ass first into this whole going green trend. it's not that i'm anti-environment. it's not that i dont believe in global warming. i'm very much pro-environment. i do believe in global warming, i just think that every time we see a comercial for some "green" product, or hear al gore spewing from his doughy pie hole, we don't have to jump all over it like its gospel, slap a "he's not MY president" bumper sticker on it, and brag about how savvy were being.

you want to start being part of the solution? stop consuming... everything. i don't care if its a new prius, 150 hours of so-called green television, or an anti-establishment bumper sticker, if you want bragging rights, then you need to just stop.

and to veer slightly off topic here, as for your "liberal" bumper stickers... 

take them off. "i never thought i'd miss nixon"? really? you miss nixon? anything to do with ending the war? is that all you have to say? how about we get all those soldiers back here who are just begging to god to come home alive and well, and see if they think that a $2 bumper sticker (plastered to the bumper of a car that runs on the very thing they are getting shot at and killed to protect. the very thing that puts them in situations where they have to decide if they can kill another human being) was enough effort to get them out of harm's way. "he's not my president"? isn't he? are you canadian? oh, then he is your president. i don't like him any more than you do, but he is our president. maybe you didn't vote for him, i sure didn't. but we as a collective country did. twice. if you don't like it, stand up and do something about it. say something about it. don't quietly go about your life placating yourself with pathetic sloganeering.

alrighty, im done being a grizzled old man.

in conlcusion, we all do things that hurt the environment. but that's life, we are a needy species of microcephalous idiots (my favorite new phrase), and we demand more of the planet then the planet has to offer. but unless we are all going to march single file off a cliff, which i don't recommend (unless you really want to...), we have to accept this. and yes we should do whatever we can to lessen the damage, but maybe jumping on every little trend we see on tv without asking questions isn't the answer.