if it's not a tiny little orange, or a hazelnut liqueur, NBC's got some 'splainin' to do. they can 'splain it right after they 'splain why this i'm a celebrity show needs to be on 4 NIGHTS A WEEK! and why there aren't any celebrities on it.
turns out a frangela is about a thousand pounds of "ooh child" "go girl" and "no he d'ent" in stereoscope (that's much funnier when you see how i'm bobbing my head and wagging my finger as i type it).
and without the aid of the internet, who the fuck is janice dickensen? now, with the aid of the internet, all together, she's a model, STUPID!
that thing is a model? for what?! footwear? hockey pads? burqas? maybe she was a spokesmodel for dramamine. they would have moved a lot of product that way, cause her face makes me want to barf.
rod blagojevic's ex-wife?
i might as well just stop there.
are you trying to muscle me out of broadcast tv? i mean, it's this kind of crap over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. if i stick with broadcast tv, all i've got to cling to is conan, jeopardy!, seinfeld reruns, and PBS, and truth be told, there's actually a lot of crap on PBS, as well. if i want to watch a giants game, if i want to watch some decent cartoons, if i want to watch live government feeds, if i want a decent selection of educational programing, i have to pay for cable? denied.
oh, hold on there, mister, you're about to enter a wonderful world of ocular and aural pleasures the likes of which you never dreamed. here comes the digital tv conversion! doo-do-do-dooooo!
first they tell us, "it'll be a much better picture"
i've been living with this "much better picture" for months now, it is in fact far far far worse. audio and video cut out at random times for unpredictable amounts of time, its poppy and pixelated most of the time, the audio just decides on its own what volume it wants to be at, and if there's a slight breeze out, i might as well just leave the tv off and voluntarily slip into an epileptic seizure.
meanwhile, they pushed back the date that the conversion would finally be finished. "they" claimed it was because some tv stations weren't ready to make the conversion yet. funny, when they pushed back the date, all the networks were kind of pissed because they had set up leases on analog broadcast towers that ended on the original cutoff date and had new leases on digital towers that began circa the cutoff date. so who were they really pushing back the date for?
cable providers, of course. them and electronics manufacturers. not enough people actually switched to cable or satellite tv, or ran out and bought new "digital ready" tv sets, so they thought they'd give us a little time to stew in the craptasticness of the digital broadcast. which brings up another question: why do i need a box to convert an over the air digital broadcast if i already have an antenna that picks up over the air broadcast? they show us all these diagrams of how antenna towers will shut down and all our tv will be piped into our hosues via a series of tubes. i assume the people who thought of this are the same people who think ted stevens is hip to modern technology. when is this happening? i'm still picking up the digital broadcast from a broadcast with an antenna (the same one i've always used) like always. and how do you propose to explain that i now get all these channels in HD when i don't own a tv with hd capabilities? you can broadcast it in hd digital platinum champagnevision on magical rainbows for all i care, i still need the same old antenna on my roof to get the signal and i don't have a tv that can play high def digital, so what is this box on top of my tv doing for me? i can put marshmallows in my gas tank if i want, too. that doesn't mean i have a car that runs on marshmallows, it means i have a useless pile of car parts in my driveway, and a bunch of delicious marshmallows i can't quite reach.
and now that we are down to the wire on the conversion deadline, the commercials are starting to get a bit more honest, aren't they? first it was "the digital conversion is coming. what does that mean? more channels, more hd, and better picture on your regular channels. converting is easy, just pick up a coupon online for a free box, plug it in and follow the instructions on the screen" now it's (and i'm not exaggerating here) "you may not be ready for the dtv switch. if you don't purchase a box or switch to a cable/satellite provider by the cutoff date, you won't be able to enjoy tv. in order to get the signal you must have a working antenna on your roof, you may have to buy additional antennae to supplement the one on your roof, and you may have to place them at odd places in your house in order to get a picture [i find i get the most satisfaction out of my supplemental antenna when its in my toilet and i've recently had a hearty mexican meal, for example]. remember, an antenna needs a clear line of sight to the broadcast tower, unobstructed by trees, buildings [leaves in the breeze, dust, clouds, rain, fog, heavy breathing, car exhaust, spider webs, satin finish house paint, matte finish house paint, houses in general, any other electronic signals including the natural magnetic field of the earth, the suns radiation...] and other tall things. even still, some people may not get all the channels, some people may experience bad or no sound or picture, and some may get no reception at all."
well now you fucking tell me! i mean, i knew all this shit from the beginning. i'm not a rube. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how basic electronic broadcasts work, and how getting it shoved up your ass by big business works. and now i'm on the list of people who don't get all the channels, experience bad or no sound or picture, and sometimes, no reception at all (supplemental antennae actually make the picture and sound worse).
i don't need all the crap on network tv. not any more than a i need a hole in my head adjacent to my frontal lobe to release the pressure of the weight of the world, like that guy in pi. but it's a citizen's right to free access to decent news (to be fair, deutsche welle, russia today, bbc world news, and news hour provide, on network tv, 1,000% better news that any news channel on cable does, aside from c-span and al jazeera, which are crucial to certain people who want to stay up with world news. i.e. me), and educational television should always be a top priority. you know what happens to a population of kids raised on braindead crap (including cable programing)?
exhibits A and B:
non-celebrities heidi and spencer.
someone please kidnap, torture, and eventually kill them.
now that i would pay to watch.
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