first may i say, i have some good friends in the hollywood area, and i don't wish them any harm, nor do i want them to lose their jobs. that said...
the steaming pile of atomic baboon shit michael bay just crapped all over my eyes makes me wish maniacal alien robots would fall from space and destroy hollywood and everyone in it.
sure, i saw the version with the russian subtitles, and i watched it on my laptop, but magnum P I, it was like watching a paris hilton sex tape under a working garbage truck while michael bay blasts the new linkin park (soon to be called the michael bay house band) cd and masturbates to his own demo reel.
one reviewer put it quite aptly, "you don't watch this movie, it attacks you...a new level of sensory self-flagellation".
indeed.
right out of the gate, i hope from the very bowels of hell to the rafters of heaven that bay is at least having sex with megan fox, because if he isn't there is no conceivable reason to keep putting her in his movies (hey, robert rodriguez, i don't care that you are fucking her, stop putting rose mcGowan in things, unless those things have stainless steel blades and three speeds). and if he is having sex with her, i hope, for his sake, that her acting is a little bit better between the sheets, then it is in front of the camera. look, i get it. megan fox is hot, but lots of women are hot, and some of them can deliver a line, i'd imagine. i would describe the use of fox in anything i have to look at, the same way adam corolla described the XFL, "it's like scrambled porn. sure, it's porn, but there's gotta be something else on tv".
paying hollywood wages for tv pretty, untalented women to look good in wet clothes, lick their lips, and try real hard to pretend to know how to read, makes about as much sense as hiring a stripper to come to your house and prune your hedges. yeah, she looks good doing it, but the rhododendrons look like shit.
i guess what i'm saying is, if megan fox isn't a prostitute, then what exactly is michael bay paying her to do? and if she is a prostitute, then why isn't she naked in this film?
meanwhile, back at dreamworks...
transformers: inflation of the ego producer, steven spielberg, seems unfazed by the fact that bay's leading lady/whore for money plays a character with the same name (and same fucked up spelling of said name) as his daughter. what is bay trying to say about little mikaela spielberg that apparently steven agrees with? perhaps a more important question, what kind of dream is stevie working on? does he want to visualize his daughter greased up, in torn denim booty shorts, straddling a motorcycle? and if not, shouldn't he have addressed this issue in a development meeting?
but his daughter's ass is not the only place steven is seeing dollar signs. shia labeouf has become steven spielberg's new wonderboy, which is great for labeouf's career, but terrible for his dignity. a good question here is, what happened to the all mighty mr spielberg? unfortunately, the answer is: who gives a shit?
moving on.
well...maybe not yet. look, steve-o, lets face it, you were handed some amazing movies on a silver platter, and you did great things with them (and we're all real impressed that you barely got accepted to a state school, and then dropped out...but hey, who hasn't done that? am i right people? i'll be expecting my oscars shortly, hollywood.). hey man, growing up, i thought you were a god. you made some of my favorites, and i was always eager to see what you'd do next. so who could blame shia labeouf for hitching his career to your star? he's only 4 years my junior. he grew up with the same classics that i did. but he also got into show biz at a tender young age, and hollywood is a strange sheltered microcosm. no one in hollywood would ever speak ill of its favored sons and daughters. so maybe shia doesn't care that spielberg's spark is fizzling, or maybe it's that he just doesn't know because no one would ever admit that spielberg has, himself, become a whore for money. but that's the hollywood machine, if you don't need attention, it's best to not be a part of it, and eventually, in any successful career, money and attention get all muddled up until there's no clear line between the two, nor one between dignity and praise (thank you hollywood for ang lee's 2 hour deodorant commercial that was hulk, and jean jeunet's alien: resurrection to name just two notable prostitution's of talent).
but what can i expect any more? hollywood keeps churning out wretched, recycled, hackneyed, multimillion dollar tripe, and people keep paying to eat it.
but you know, maybe amid the sets lined with old michael bay movie posters, and an unusual amount of mountain dew vending machines, maybe somewhere amongst the IV league whorehouse trance parties and creepy emotional robots with unnecessarily malleable lips, there's a greater meaning to this movie. perhaps when michael bay forces us to look between megan fox's legs (well, maybe forces is too strong a word), he is really telling us to read between the lines.
maybe the transformers are a metaphor for the magic of the hollywood process...
he's not saying, look it's a hummer... BANGBANGCLANKCLANGBANG TITS BANG TITS CLANKCLANGBANG CONFUSINGSHINYTHINGS BANGBANG SWEATYCROTCHSHOT BANGBOOM EXPLOSION SLOWMOTIONBOUNCINGNIPPLESHOT BANG!!!!!!
...now it's a robot, completely unrecognizable from its original form.
he's saying, look, it's a creative thought... BANGBANGCLANKCLANGBANG TITS BANG TITS CLANKCLANGBANG CONFUSINGSHINYTHINGS BANGBANG SWEATYCROTCHSHOT BANGBOOM EXPLOSION SLOWMOTIONBOUNCINGNIPPLESHOT BANG!!!!!!
...now it's a movie, completely unrecognizable from its original form. automatons, roll out!!
oh, who am i kidding? there was no original thought put into this, or most other big bang hollywood movies. transformers is a movie based on a toy franchise for pete rose. BANGBOOM TITS! buy our stuff! VROOMVROOM NUBILEBUTTCHEEKS BANGZOOM! do the dew!
but you know, they say the test of a good movie is how the movie, and the larger cultural context in which it is made, speak to each other. so, putting aside the overt disrespect to the obama administration, and the overall tone of, "let's go shoot some bad guys and other shit that lives in the arab desert", maybe bay is saying that, in a world gone mad, it seems we've given all the power to General Motors, and a handful of empty headed women whose vaginas look good covered in axle grease. you know it makes sense...
3 comments:
is there seriously still a Pontiac Solstice Transformer car thingy? and a Hummer? If we get subjected to a 3rd movie, what are they gonna do?
Stunt Cast a BMW Z4 like an automotive Dick Sargent?
there's hummers all over this movie, but in non tranformative mode (i guess. the robot scenes are such a brain attack, it's hard to tell which cars do and don't transform) but the solstice, which you may recall as the token black guy robot, has been replaced in tokeness by the chevy beat, and trax (two small concept cars that i'm sure chevy will kill after one generation, or like the hhr, just drag that one generation out until we all want to die), and the hip, two seater character in the movie is a centennial corvette stingray concept. kind of a cool looking car, but it transforms and saws an audi r8 in half, and that's not cool. as long as GM has their dick in the pie, there aren't going to be a lot of cool cars on the good guys' team.
I was hoping the all new Buick LaCrosse would be a snobby gay Transformer, or that the token black guy Transformer would become the upcoming (and constantly delayed) CTS Coupe, but....
....will I actually go see this movie (or for that matter purchase a general motors car in the future)....where's the incentive?
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