i'll start by saying, the revelations to come are mostly old news. however, they are not yet in the can (as in hollywood speak for "finished and ready for release". i'm sure, shortly after, they will be in the trash can) so really, while this is an in re: post, it deals with things that occurred before my related post, but will not affect the related post until the future, so i am reacting to them preemptively in retrospect. get it? if you do, i've got a job for you, it involves explaining episodes of SVU to people who can't see time in a nonlinear fashion, therefore allowing them to break down the space time continuum and understand everything in the universe, like dr manhattan (that show is so fucking convoluted, that only an atomic superhuman über-genius could follow it, is what i'm saying).
so let me start by saying to michael bay (long time reader, don'tcha know?), hey little buddy, remember how last night i said some things about how you're a no talent, lowest common denominator hack, and corporate whore for money, whose latest attempt at a "movie" made me wish a sudden and painful death on everyone in hollywood? you know, maybe i was too harsh. i feel like we should... hold on... just perusing the news... interesting, there's something about you in here: michael bay set to produce new ouija board(tm) based movie for hasboro? going for a pirates of the caribbean style romp?
WHORE! YOU'RE A DIRTY, FILTHY, HOLLYWOOD WHORE FOR MONEY! YOU'RE A WORTHLESS WHORE WHO LIKES IT ROUGH... sorry, i went into autopilot there, for a second. i don't actually know that michael bay likes it rough (yes, i do. see title of post...).
but my feelings for michael bay are laid out in full in last night's post, so let's talk about pirates of the caribbean style romps, shall we?
BOOM! BANGCLANK! UNDULATINGTEENAGEFLESH! BANGBOOM! SEGUE! (that was so mr bay understands what is happening now)
catching up with pirates director, gore verbinski should help us get up to speed with hollywood's new style of prostitution (not quite the kind exhibited in steven soderbergh's new handy-cam [apparently] non-sequel of his own sex, lies, and videotape in which a porn star plays a prostitute, who dates a manwhore who plays a manwhore). no, no. hollywood has wrangled toy and board game conglomerate, hasbro, a deal for not just another transformers (#3, which promises to be a bigger #2 than #2), but also a GI Joe movie (which seems like it makes sense, since it, too, was a cartoon. but that cartoon, just like transformers, was based on selling a line of toys, not the other way around) but also movies based on its board game franchises, namely ouija (which is already a key player in many, many scary movies to date, including 2 called ouija board, 1 called the ouija board, 3 called ouija, one called ouija bored, a ouija did it!, a tell us, ouija, an a litle ouija work, and my favorite, ouija sexorcism. bone! these are all in addition to the upcoming bay project), candyland directed by kevin lima of enchanted fame (way to step outside your box, lima), monopoly by ridley scott who says he would like to give it a futuristic blade runner feel (makes sense), and, probably not finally, but finally for now, mr caribbean himself, gore verbinski's remake of clue.
upon news of this last one, you may be thinking, "sweet!" the original clue was a cult classic (though a boxoffice toilet clogger), and gore verbinski did pirates, and he has experience with board game movies. he did do the film adaptation of mouse trap, called mouse hunt even though it totally bombed and actually kind of sucked... what's that? that wasn't an adaptation of mouse trap? oh. well let's see, then. what else has verbinksi done? let's see, here. he did the weatherman with nick... moving on. what else? he did the ring, the american remake of the solid japanese cult classic ringu. of course he did sort of crap it up. ring is just the polished turd that verbinski pooped out after hollywood digested the original material. but at least it seems hollywood trusts him with preexisting, beloved material. afterall, they did give him all three pirates (theme park ride), the ring (preexisting japanese movie), and coming up: bioshock (video game), the host (preexisting korean bad fuckin' ass as hell monster movie. don't waste your time with this verbinski hack shit. just netflix the original, which is only a couple years old, don't worry), a segment in heavy metal (preexisting american movie. cosmo kramer, has verbinski made a single good movie that wasn't preexisting material?), and of course clue, which comes so close to my original benchmark for hollywood finally eating itself, it's scary.
my original sign that hollywood whorism has finally eaten itself (out?) was for someone to make a film adaptation of shrek! the musical, which is, of course an adaptation of a conglomeration of the shrek! movie franchise, which is, in itself, an adaptation (with liberties) of shrek! the children's book.
the diabolical beauty of my benchmark is that most big budget/big name movies are accompanied by the release of a "movie book". you know the kind. those books that turn the movie into a short written story, often using material not included in the movie, and broken up by 10 pages of glossy screen shots halfway through. at which point, hollywood would have actually made a book loosely based on a movie loosely based on a live theatrical production loosely based on a movie trilogy loosely based on a book.
however, verbinski's harbinger of hollywood finally eating itself is more whorish, if less circular, and perhaps more diabolical in its potential, in that it is a film remake of a film based on a board game which is based on a board game (brittish, cluedo) which has already been made into both books, video games, and a tv game show. this leaves only one step to the complete self-consumption of hollywood. that step is for someone to make a trilogy out of the new clue based on a combination of the hasbro spinoff board game alfred hitchcock edition clue and disney's clue-twilight zone:tower of terror. at this point it would be a remake non-disney trilogy reimagining based on a disney theme park ride based on an amazing non-disney tv show based on a special edition (based on complete lack of respect for one of hollywood's masters of suspense) of a board game based on a board game. BONE!
and if you understood that, i've got another job for you... i think you're just the person to direct this movie.
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