in re:

magic bullet express not just the name of bristol palin's upcoming abstinence education tour bus...

though it wasn't really the subject of my mr t made me a vegetarian... (06-06-09) post, there is news on the magic bullet front. the one time only child, countertop mini blender/juicer/whole meal in liquid form ambassador, the magic bullet, has a morbidly obese younger brother, the magic bullet express.

the magic bullet express boasts an array of culinary skills. this magic bullet doesn't stop at putting a bun in your oven in 15 minutes or less. the express claims it can have you stuffing pizza down your pie hole in 90 seconds or less. 90 seconds? i don't think i want a pizza that goes from ingredients to digestion in 90 seconds. as brian regan says, "i don't need to be wakin', eatin' and haulin' that fast. if you need to microwave a pop tart, it might be time to loosen up your schedule. maybe pick up a couple montana brochures."

but the results appear edible. dare i say, delicious? it does, after all, make post-op lobotomy patients climax in their pants. or so one would assume from the look on the models' faces as they taste test the delicious morsels that come rocketing out of the bullet express' food cannon. one can only hope that those morsels don't rocket out of their esacpe hatches with quite so much urgency.

although the express does have a food cannon attachment, it is, confusingly enough, much larger, slower, and more cumbersome than the original bullet. perhaps they should have named it the magic missile. then again, that name might be a little too violent and phallic. they're already walking a pretty thin line with magic bullet, a name that arouses images of presidential assassinations, werewolves, and accidental pregnancies (and not just in people missing their frontal lobe while sampling 60 second new york cheese cake).

levi johnson knows what i'm talkin' about... he got a one way ticket the hell out of wasilla, on the magic bullet express (it's like the polar express, only less scary tom hanks, and more scary john mccain).

meanwhile, if your daughter is dating a guy named levi johnson, there are just some things you have to see coming (apparently bristol just had to see it coming...). the only way i could see that pregnancy being more ironic yet easy to predict is if his name was actually trouser snake.

next time on in re:

sarah palin calls the circus' comments "perverted" and "offensive". the circus responds, "really? more perverted and offensive than 5 hardcore gangbang scenes, and zero condoms in who's nailin' paylin??"

you're gonna have to learn to pick your battles, if you want the most powerful job in the world, lady.