retooling the tonight show, one tool at a time.

i wouldn't call myself a jay leno fan.

well, ok, maybe that's going to far...

i would say that i hate jay leno's comedy. ok, that's a little more reasonable.

yet, somehow, like so many other things, i have seen enough of, or heard enough about it to be able to speak on it. so here i go: jay leno's WHCD schtick was totally recycled, and i knew that even before politico released this little nugget. dude, leno, your corny. hang it up, man.

look, leno, i know you're a comedian, and too be fair, you certainly ripped on the bush administration enough, but i feel like you don't know how to walk that line between lampooning the absurd, or the unfortunate, or the idiotic, and making disparaging comments that will actually hurt the cause of something positive.

this of course is only my opinion of what is positive, but i don't think that there's any subjectivity to the statement that leno skews way right these days, and his comedy doesn't just push obama toward good things by publicly shaming him where he fails, but also publicly scolds him where he succeeds, and creates a leno fan base that (often too ignorant to get their news anywhere else) will have a warped view of this administration. now, call it what you will, liberal double standard, hypocrisy, but i just feel like bush didn't do much good in the world, while obama is trying to. where leno's bush years comedy was more like pointing out the obviously comical, his obama years comedy is off in the realm of taking fox news talking points and dumbing them down (watch his show, discover that it is possible) into a bonehead one-liner formula.

so what could we have expected when he gets the political comedy gig of a lifetime, and doesn't even bother to write new material?

"cash for flunkers", jay? seriously?

that joke is hardly even funny the first time around. even if you consider things that simply rhyme to be funny, this joke is pretty elementary.

and he's standing in front of the most elite crowd of the year, dumpster diving through his own old, hack material.

comedically speaking, obama wrecked leno.

much like i advocate making dubbya and palin the new host and hostess of the wheel of fortune (because he is good at asinine banter with simpletons, and she might be able to recognize the english alphabet if it were presented to her, one letter at a time, on giant glowing TV screens) i say, give obama the tonight show. he's charismatic, smooth, funny, and he knows a thing or two about current events. meanwhile, leno is pointing out typos in small town penny-saver ads, poorly ripping off SNL skits, still dunking on paris hilton (yep... still), cackling his way through his completely hacked "jay walking" man-on-the-street bits, and sticking his tongue up celebrities asses.

what's more, i can stand to listen to obama's voice for more than 3 consecutive seconds. leno, on the other hand, gets the dogs in my neighborhood all worked up, and then i'm listening to blood curdling squealing from all directions (yeah, that's right, leno's voice sounds like the loosing party in a chihuahua fight).

and frankly, i'll take gaffin' joe on guitar any day over kevin eubanks. fuck, man, eubanks is such a toooooooool. but even better, lets go trans-administration. let's get gaffin' joe in the announcer booth, and get slick willy clinton on sax as the band leader. at least gaffin' joe can put a sentence together. can't say as much for stuttering john. besides, with slick willy as side-kick, all the jokes about chasing young tail will ring comically true, not just creeppily plausible, like with eubanks.

obama set up shop on leno's face at the WHCD.

come on, man, "you know what really tickles me? ... eric massa." that's fucking gold.

"true love is the hardest thing to find... well, that and a birth certificate" dude, that's conan level self-deprecation right there.

having recently had the chance to see conan o'brien live, i can comfortably say that there is no one i'd rather watch on late night TV.

he truly was the rightful heir to the tonight show throne.

but that throne has been sullied. sullied by leno and his tired ass captain sully jokes, and conan doesn't want it anymore. so fine, i will follow coco to TBS. he has more than earned my adoration. but as for leno, by presidential decree, i say we air drop his ass out in the middle of the sahara with kevin eubanks, stuttering john, and nothing but one of his old stanley steamer million dollar classic cars with the water tank running low.

it could be a new NBC reality show. now that's a leno i'd watch in the 10PM slot.

in re:

defeating "politics as usual" means giving up politics altogether, says sexy alaskan fish monger

why does sarah palin continue to be the most amazing source of ...well, amazement to me?

the s(ex)y governor, who is apparently now a professional clam digger and fish monger, has made her official soundbyte raison d'être for giving up the governorship. apparently, remaining governor would just be politics as usual. hmmm. now i'm no politico intelligencia, washington insider, wall street fat cat, but something tells me that politics as usual, or politics as unusual might just involve some sort of politics. and correct me if i'm wrong, but being a governor is a pretty good place to start, especially if your life story involves being second runner up at a miss alaska competition, failing out of 3 or 4 colleges, losing a bid for lieutenant governor, and two miserable years as the mayor of wasilla alaska.

now, you've got to be pretty dense (like, even denser than sarah palin) to think that palin isn't doing this as some sort of shenanigan to keep up her face value for a presidential bid, but that she is dense enough to think that adding "quit job as governor. didn't like working in politics" to your resumé is going to help her get the most important political job in the world sets the density bar to unfathomable heights.

but what can you say? the woman is a maverick. a maverick who thinks that even though she ceded the governorship, she is still the queen of alaska. at best, she is now a community organizer. however, if the footage i have seen is correct, she is down at the docks busting crates for the deadliest catch crew, and shiva help us if she starts applying her maverick outsider ideas to that job.

"why do we keep trying to float our boats on top of the water, and catch the fish from above? my administration plans to go to australia, and tunnel through the earth. if my calculations are correct, we will break ground somewhere in the arctic sea. then we sneak attack those joe fish sticks from underneath! hoo-yeah! ya see? those three piece suit bureaucrats are still doing things the old fashioned way, but i'm just a regular ol' ice fishin' hockey mom, and it was those fundamentals, applied in reverse, that're gonna bag my administration the best catch in decades. ya see america? i wasn't building a bridge to nowhere. i was building a bridge to the other end of my reverse fish tunnel."

meanwhile the guys at the dock are spreading the word not to mess with the hooker who's standing on the pallet jack, talking to herself.

in re:

god shines her light on me, despite my constant blaspheming. i still don't believe in you, but i read your sign loud and clear, you sexy, sandaled, tetragrammaton, you!

as soon as i published my sarah palin brainCandy post, the confirmation page popped up to let me know it had been successfully posted, and that confirmation page always has a window in the corner with fun facts, and hints about how to manage a blog (getting ad space, formatting techniques, etc.). this time, however, it was not a blogger based how to note, but an advertisement. an advertisement for what you might ask?

SarahPAC.com!!!!

yes! ladies and gentlemen, saraPAC.com (not even organized enough to score a .org) is sarah palin's political action committee ("note: not authorized by any political candidate or candidate's committee"), which not only pushes an official agenda (i assumed, originally it was unofficial, based on the legal small print i just quoted. then i read their mission statement, included below...) to make sarah palin the most powerful politician in the universe, but also contains a link to thealaskafundtrust.com. now, some of you may think, "the alaska fund trust, that sounds like some sort of fund or trust to benefit the state of alaska, somehow." wrong, egg head! quit thinking with your brain, poindexter! thealaskafundtrust.com is actually a fund to help pay for sarah palin's legal fees, which she is accruing due to her litigation of people who tease her for being a dumb hypocritical bitch, or generally for protecting the dirty dirty secrets she is afraid will leak out of her closet if enough people bang on the door. i for one can't wait for the shit storm that will ensue when this all comes to a head.

this was so priceless, that i feel like i just have to get up, get out, and tackle the world. so i will leave you with sarahPAC.com's mission statement, and be on my way. happy fourth of july, people! this is what america is all about:

Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation.

SarahPAC believes America's best days are ahead. Our country, founded on conservative principles and the fight for freedom, must confront the challenges of the 21st century with integrity, innovation, and determination.

SarahPAC believes energy independence is a cornerstone of the economic security and progress that every American family wants and deserves.

SarahPAC believes the Republican Party is at the threshold of an historic renaissance that will build a better future for all. Health care, education, and reform of government are among our key goals. Join us today!

Please note: There are many websites claiming to support Sarah Palin. SarahPAC.com is the ONLY political action committee authorized by Sarah Palin.

brainCandy

VPILF, sarah palin, calls audible, drives through full court press, participates in various other empty mixed metaphors

in case you thought she'd been living under a rock for the last 6 months, there is news from the sarah palin camp: she was not, but she's about to be. sarah palin "doesn't want to disappoint anyone with this announcement," but, she has resigned from alaska's governorship! i don't normally believe in god, but i think i just heard angels singing. so discounting the 3 months she was on the VP campaign trail, and the 1 month she spent afterward, hanging out with rachel ray, and talking about how it's a new day for women everywhere, sarah palin, once the "best" chance this country had at getting a women in executive office, has officially acted as governor of alaska for 28 months. good one. why did she do this? you ask. i'll give you 2,012 guesses.

for those of you who have seen the (ex!)governor's resignation speech, i won't even ask you to read on. you already know that no comedian can top what she herself (i hope, for her speech writer's sake, that she wrote that thing herself) pulled out of her ass, and delivered with all the gusto and charisma of a nervous 12 year old, telling her mommy she had just gotten her first period. all the while her stupid jackass kid fidgets and potty dances next to the podium, like she just got her first period. as paul begala wrote in the huffington post, "her statement was incoherent, bizarre, and juvenile. the text, as posted on gov. palin's official website, uses 2,549 words and 18 exclamation points. lincoln freed the slaves with 719 words and nary an exclamation". just a short snippet of her speech, verbatim, to show you how she unwittingly fucks herself (and not in that hot, nailin' paylin sort of way):

-Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won’t allow it either.

i couldn't have said it better myself. i don't think anybody wants to waste any more time and money keeping you in the governor's seat.

according to palin, she polled her kids in regards to her resignation from the governorship, and the response was, "four yeses, and one 'hell yeah', and the 'hell yeah' sealed it". i don't know if that "hell yeah" came from trip or track or troops or terror or tribble, but i know one thing: there's one little alaskan redneck who's getting a thank you card from me this xmas.

palin rambles on for some time about how her decision is based partly in her disillusionment in "politics as usual", thanks in no small part to the public and media outcry that has blasted her in the face (and not in that hot, nailin' paylin sort of way) since she hit the public eye, for being a dumb, conniving, manipulatable, bitch. palin also pounds home the notion (over and over again) that this move is what's best for alaska. no shit, you dumb, conniving, manipulatable, bitch, that's what the rest of us have been saying all along.

now, peppered amongst her horrid, drawn out sports metaphors (driving toward the basket with confidence, and keeping my head up, because i need to keep my head up to keep my eye on the basket...), she made a number of other ridiculous claims. one such claim was that she had had some sort of existential awakening while visiting troops (in kosovo? way to throw yourself into the 1995 line of fire, lady) which made her realize that we need to start spending more money on troops (like those in kosovo?), and war funding, and stop spending money on "superficial, wasteful, political bloodsport". if there is a phrase more suited to describe military actions than "superficial, wasteful, political bloodsport" i don't know what it is. but i guess the kind that lets our kids play with guns, and learn to hate dark skinned people is the kind of superficial, wasteful, political bloodsport that blows palin's signature double breasted red wool peacoat up (possibly in that hot, nailin' paylin sort of way).

but what scares me more than her blatant ignorance of sort of important statements that she herself makes only moments prior to totally contradicting herself or running off on some moot tangent, is the way in which she continues to discuss her move to step down. she repeats phrases like "we can better affect change in the world this way", or "i can do more good from outside the governor's office", and how she seeks "real climate change" (as in political climate change, she remains ignorant of real real climate change), she wants to make "change on the outside", and "her administration" will be better positioned, this way, to fight against "politics as usual". basically, she speaks not as though she is humbled, and resigning from the highest position she currently holds, but as though she has risen above, and holds a much more important position, for which she needs more time and effort redirected from her lesser gig as governor.

based on her rhetoric, anecdotes, and metaphors, i can only assume that that more important position is a run for president in 2012, or starting an alaska-based secessionist militia. either way, as nothing but a simple, humble clown, i think i will defer once again to paul begala who opened his article this-a-wise:

"i wish hunter s. thompson had lived to see this."

in re:

magic bullet express not just the name of bristol palin's upcoming abstinence education tour bus...

though it wasn't really the subject of my mr t made me a vegetarian... (06-06-09) post, there is news on the magic bullet front. the one time only child, countertop mini blender/juicer/whole meal in liquid form ambassador, the magic bullet, has a morbidly obese younger brother, the magic bullet express.

the magic bullet express boasts an array of culinary skills. this magic bullet doesn't stop at putting a bun in your oven in 15 minutes or less. the express claims it can have you stuffing pizza down your pie hole in 90 seconds or less. 90 seconds? i don't think i want a pizza that goes from ingredients to digestion in 90 seconds. as brian regan says, "i don't need to be wakin', eatin' and haulin' that fast. if you need to microwave a pop tart, it might be time to loosen up your schedule. maybe pick up a couple montana brochures."

but the results appear edible. dare i say, delicious? it does, after all, make post-op lobotomy patients climax in their pants. or so one would assume from the look on the models' faces as they taste test the delicious morsels that come rocketing out of the bullet express' food cannon. one can only hope that those morsels don't rocket out of their esacpe hatches with quite so much urgency.

although the express does have a food cannon attachment, it is, confusingly enough, much larger, slower, and more cumbersome than the original bullet. perhaps they should have named it the magic missile. then again, that name might be a little too violent and phallic. they're already walking a pretty thin line with magic bullet, a name that arouses images of presidential assassinations, werewolves, and accidental pregnancies (and not just in people missing their frontal lobe while sampling 60 second new york cheese cake).

levi johnson knows what i'm talkin' about... he got a one way ticket the hell out of wasilla, on the magic bullet express (it's like the polar express, only less scary tom hanks, and more scary john mccain).

meanwhile, if your daughter is dating a guy named levi johnson, there are just some things you have to see coming (apparently bristol just had to see it coming...). the only way i could see that pregnancy being more ironic yet easy to predict is if his name was actually trouser snake.

next time on in re:

sarah palin calls the circus' comments "perverted" and "offensive". the circus responds, "really? more perverted and offensive than 5 hardcore gangbang scenes, and zero condoms in who's nailin' paylin??"

you're gonna have to learn to pick your battles, if you want the most powerful job in the world, lady.