brainCandy

having kids is not a skill, but as it turns out, shutting up about it might be.

just when you thought it was safe to use your penis without getting a woman pregnant...

octomom is back on the scene! everybody, quick, put on two pairs of underwear and a safety condom! don't look directly into her eyes. she can conceive that way, too!

yes, in as many weeks, two, count them two, obnoxious, conniving, baby machines have shocked us by leaping back onto the scene. first it was palin, and her team of kids named after her favorite WB characters, and highschool classes she failed. this week the obnoxious disease known as the octomom is back in our faces like so much herpes. at least she isn't chock full o'nuts, this time.

no, this time she is here to announce her new reality TV show, produced by british company, eyeworks. great, so you're saying that america actually made the right choice this time, the choice to not pay this walking talking sperm bank to sell out her uterine prolificacy for all to see in super hi-def wide screen, and england is dragging us back in? you bloody wankers! we had your back in dubbya dubbya two! why are you doing this to us?!

fine! once more unto the breach, dear friends!

which is probably what the doctors said while delivering her gaggle of moron seed.

the beauty of this story is that... well, let's face it, there is so much beauty in this story for a misanthrope like me. sadly octopig's face is not part of that beauty. fitting that she be named octomom, because she is quite a sea hag.

so, like i was saying, the beauty of this is that first of all, this show is technically an adaptation of a danish show. so for all you people out there thinking that squeezing out a baby is some kind of special skill, think again, even being an octomom reality TV star has been done before. but what's more is that octopig has announced that she will be doing some of the filming herself. oh great, here's one more thing she sucks at that will no doubt be shoved down our throats, or perhaps artificially inserted into our uterii. more, still, is the fact that the show will not be some intrusive 24 hour a day affair, but will merely "document certain milestones, such as birthdays and special events". why would i want to watch "milestones" in their lives? i want to watch the 24 hour a day minutiae of a single moron raising 14 kids, as she slowly breaks down mentally and physically until she finally snaps and starts shoving them into the walk-in freezer she got from oprah. secondly, what makes birthdays milestones, anyway? i like to celebrate the birthdays of those i love because it gives me a chance to show them that i am glad they were born, that i'm glad they are in my life, and that i'm glad they are still alive. i am not glad that any one of the family octopig was born, i wish they were not even in my peripheral, and i wouldn't be heartbroken if they all fell off the face of the earth. literally, i would like very much to watch them all falling into the black abyss, the endless void, until i heard 15 little pop!s, like microwave orville redenbacher, as they exited the earth's atmosphere and imploded.

oh, but the beauty of this story marches on. the contract she has signed is for 3 years, and a grand total of... please, you may want to sit down, this number is staggering... $250,000!

what?! you stupid breeder! you sold the lives of your entire family for $250,000?! are you trying to avoid a high tax bracket? just get a real job! you could be making that much with a deVry "degree" in dental assisting, and still keep what's left of your children's dignity (at last count, what was left of her children's dignity was in the neighborhood of -63). oh, but there's apparently more dignity to be filched. the contract stipulates only the legal bare minimum in the state of california be set aside for the children. the legal bare minimum in california is 15% to be accessible only to the children at the time that they turn 18. meaning that the 14 of them get to split $37,500 beginning sometime in the 2020's. to break it down further, they will each be receiving $2,678.57, or just enough to purchase a moderately sized TV and the box set of the octopig series so that they may forever remember why they are minor international celebrities, but still have to haggle with the cashier at smart&final over whether or not you can buy cigarettes with food stamps.

but the final, and most glorious thing about this deal is this: though a contract has been reached, and a concept agreed upon, no american network has yet shown interest in the show.

YES! suck it hard, you limey bastards! you can't drag us into this one, yet!

once more unto the breach, dear friends?

nay! good sirs! for we are america, we do not return to, rectify, nor apologize for our mistakes, we do not surrender, and we are not retreating! we are simply advancing in the opposite direction!