...or...
nobody expects the turkish inquisition!!
so a priest, a rabbi, an imam, and a monk walk into a bar. 5,000 years later their offspring are still killing each other over the ensuing argument. HA! HA!
i love that one.
but i heard this new one. it goes like this...
10 atheists are on a vacation in istanbul. they end up on a game show where a priest, a rabbi, an imam, and a monk try to convert them for prizes.
i guess that last one wasn't really a joke.
seriously, though, turkish television station, kanal T, has developed a show called tovbekarlar yarisiyor (penitents compete), in which the big four religions have a single representative competing to convert as many of the ten atheist contestants as they can in the alloted time. even though they aren't actually the ones competing, the atheists are considered the contestants because the competing religious representatives get their prize in the journey: a chance at fresh converts, whereas the atheists get both the prize of a free trip to the holy land of their new religion, and the ultimate prize: their soul's salvation. give me a break... so i can go on the haaj that i won by pretending to be a muslim convert.
first of all, they are rewarding a trip (to mecca, tibet, or jerusalem) to whomever is converted at the end of each episode?
look at me i'm so jewish! oi vey with how jewish i am. can you believe it with me? how jewish? what, i should tell the truth and miss out on this free trip? the chudspah on you! that me, a jew, would pass up something free. oi gavault!
of course, kanal T claims that they follow up with the contestant to make sure they were truly converted. oh yeah? how? and what if you do catch me not being jewish, somehow. what are you going to do, take my soul back? ooh, i'm shaking in my yarmulke and ridiculous sideburns.
kanal also claims that the show is designed to help the largely muslim population of turkey understand other religions. i suppose what they want people to understand about atheists is that they are not real people until they have embraced a silly, made up religion, with happy happy stories about clouds and virgins. in fact, what is most likely to happen with this show is that, in the spirit of competition, the members of the religions may see a little bit of something that they like in each other. that thing? hatred of nonbelievers. so where does this show leave atheists and agnostics? shit out of luck, and probably persecuted, in turkey, anyway. at the very least atheists will most likely soon find it very hard to get anything done in turkey with members of every major religion no doubt quoting lines from penitents at them all day. god help the turkish atheists if there are any snappy one liners, or catch phrases on this show.
i can see it now. just trying to get his work done at the office, ahmed the atheist is constantly bombarded with asinine comments. he stops at the coffee machine for a cup, but here comes margie, "is that your soul's final destination? ha haha ha ha!". upon admitting that he doesn't know where zayed keeps the toner, steve asks ahmed, "would you like to phone your infidel friend? get it? like on the show? it's funny because your soul is going to burn in hell for all eternity". telling mohammed that he's going to knock off early today, mo replies, "i'm sorry, ahmed, but you didn't phrase your confession in the form of a question. HAHAHA! you're not laughing. didn't you watch tovbekarlar last night? everyone watches tovbekarlar". the mail boy pushing his cart down the row of cubicles, "marge, mail for you. mo, something from corporate. zayed, here's that toner you ordered. uh oh, mail for ahmed. ahmed khoti! come on down... to hell! because that's where atheist blasphemers go!"
the beauty of this show is that it encourages direct competition between the major, already warring, religions, this time for even stupider, more arbitrary reasons, as well as declares a jihad on the non religious. so really it can only last until the all the atheists in turkey kill themselves or move away to avoid the staggering pain in the ass it will be to listen to people belittle their beliefs using sound bytes and catch phrases from a popular gameshow. that, or the religious community of turkey descends upon the nonreligious in a brief, but nonetheless tragic holocaust (seriously how many atheists can their be in turkey?) of course there is always the option that turkey collapses under the weight of a religion based 5 sided civil war.
i only pray that i can get on the show and convince them to award me a trip to tibet before that happens.
circus: OUT!
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