or, for free, take a trip to your very own bathroom, remove the blades from your razor, and please kill yourself, because if you really want to spend money on a video game staycation, you might be taking up space that other people could use for actual vacations.
right out of the gate, i refuse to accept the concept of the staycation. for one, its definitely just placation, and if you think that's a pun on play and vacation, please refer yourself to the opening sentence of this post, post haste. using the word staycation is just a way to convince ourselves that we are doing more with our days off than drinking michelob ultra at 11:30 in the morning, and masturbating to real housewives of [insert place that should be wiped off the face of the earth], before hitting the patio furniture sale at lowe's.
if you took time off work, and didn't do anything interesting, i don't need... nay, i don't want to hear about it. don't come back to work with a five day beard, and the collar of your shirt unbuttoned, and try to act like you really got out there and grabbed life by the horns. and as for you, mini-staycation? you're just a day off. i call you, playing hooky.
so you take some time off work, and you don't know how to use it awesomely. what's your next move? well, for most people these days, it means finally wearing the $45 campy pajama pants they treated themselves to during their whirlwind tour of the local strip mall on their last staycation, then slopping around their condos, or cookie cutter apartments, watching the 3 hour daytime loop of dirty jobs on discovery channel, until they realize that it is now almost 2 o'clock in the PM and they've already seen the one where he goes pig wrangling... twice.
well, nintendo wants you to know that they are here for you. no longer need you loaf around on your strangely undersized, matching, ikea living room set, accomplishing nothing more than any other skin bag full of protein rich, gelatinous goo. yes, nintendo brings you, wii sports resort. a set of games that i guess are supposed to be reminiscent of things you would do on a resort vacation.
ugh. resort vacations. i don't want to be a me monster here, but this one time, while i was living in a remote village of a third world country, i made a comment in passing to a companion of mine about how cruises and resort vacations were such stupid things to do with your time. instantly i realized, oh no, this woman is a bit older than i, and of the age group that more than most, frequent lame resorts and cruises. as i bit my tongue, she replied, "oh gross, who wastes their time with those goddamn things?" that's when i knew, this woman, she was my kind of woman.
so without even delving into the nuts and bolts of this sports resort game, nintendo is already promising you a fake and distant facsimile of a fake a distant facsimile of activity.
need proof? one of the activities on sports resort is frisbee.
need more? for $2 you can play as much real frisbee as you want, outside, in the sun, and fresh air, with other human beings... and actually get some real exercise.
another activity offered in this package is "swordplay", which sounds like something senators get busting for playing in airport men's rooms, but is somewhere between stick fighting, and fencing, i guess. but the beauty of "swordplay" is that, once you've finished watching a very special episode of kendra, you can segue into the days next activity with grammatical flair.
...and now for a different kind of swordplay, altogether.
see? it's so easy, you didn't even have to put down your low-carb beer, or haul your ass out of the recliner. just tuck the flap on your "john deere" lounge pants, and pick up your substitute phallus, aka wiimote. but what if you fancy a friend for this kind of swordplay? no problem, says nintendo. simply, purchase the nerf sword wiimote attachment set for $19.99 a pair. next, call up a friend, and carefully explain to him, "i was hanging out at home, in my underwear, and felt like a little swordplay. well, i don't think i need to tell you, i got tired of playing with myself after a while, and of course i thought of you. would you like to come over for some swordplay?" what's great about this is that, once you convince your friend to put his dick away, the two of you can actually fight with actual nerf swords, and for some reason simultaneously watch your miis mimicking you on tv.
it's funny. when i jump around in my living room, playing samurai, people call me immature, childish, crazy, or sometimes they just call me, "jesus christ, you could have killed me, you maniac!" but when we spend $50 to make a computer generated avatar with hands and feet but no arms and legs, do it for us, suddenly we are cool?
negative.
look, if you want to take some time off from the grind, and you can't afford to do anything spectacular, fine, but before you tell me you can't afford to have any real fun, keep in mind that there are plenty of awesome things to do in the world that are free. what's more, try not spending so much money having fake fun. if you do that, then maybe next time you have a vacation, you can do something i'll give a shit about when you come back to work. let me tell you, when you start a story with, "dude, i was playing a crazy game of ultimate firsbee," that twinkle in my eye means i'm excited to hear this story that might be going somewhere awesome. when you start a story with, "dude, i got this crazy frisbee game for my wii," that glazed over look in my eye means i'm fantasizing about choking you to death with your own tie.
if only you were wearing one.
damn you, stayCATION!!!!!!!!!!!
