a professor once told me, "you only read a good book once. after that, it reads you."
later, i was asked to give a statement as a character witness, when that professor was accused of making offensive remarks in front of his class.
such was the education of dave...
but keeping that statement in mind, fox president of alternative programing, mike darnell, seems concerned that there is no good tv on these days (no! you think?), and he wants us to know he's on our side. darnell, who created fox's new reality show, more to love, which i will insensitively be referring to as the fat bachelor because, well, because that's exactly what it is, had this to say about his new project:
“Why don’t real women -- the women who watch these shows, for the most part -- have a chance to find love, too?”
you hear that, fat white women? don't go moping around the house all alone, stuffing bon bons down your face, wearing a hole in the ass of your muumuu, and yelling, "go girl!" at the screen during the suze orman show. mike darnell says, you too can pretend to find love in order to pursue cash prizes.
why did i specify fat white women, when darnell specifically said, "real women"? because the preview for this show offers a look at the dais of contestants, and they are all fat white women.
so, really what mike darnell wants you to know is, if you've been watching reality tv, he thinks you are a fat, blubbering (no pun intended), white person, who is unsuccessful at love, and could use some fast cash. your chance has arrived!
here comes fat bachelor, a show that sells itself as following, "a single average guy with a big waist and an even bigger heart as he romances several confident and secure plus-size women" in one breath, and a chance for, "real women...to find love" in the next.
i'm lost. is this a show for "real people", or just cashing in on america's expanding waist line, by pandering to fat people? don't feel like i hate "plus-sized" people, people. i just want to know, isn't there a difference between being "real" and being fat? i suspect there is, and i suspect fox knows this. i suspect this because they are also lying about the women being "confident and secure". in the preview for fat bachelor, many of the female contestants are crying and whining about how they just wish they felt beautiful, or how they wish they could find a man who would see past their body and love them for who they are. these are not the ravings of a confident and secure woman.
hey, listen, i wish they felt beautiful, too. everyone deserves that feeling, and some of them probably are beautiful. i particularly find things like charity, confidence, and happiness to be extremely attractive characteristics in a woman, and while you can see those things in a person's physicality, you can't determine them from their measurements. i also wish they could find a man who loved them for who they are, but, among other things wrong with this scene, confident people don't end up on reality tv shows, reducing themselves to door prizes for some game show contestant, nor does reimbursing people for "falling in love" breed genuine love.
what's more, i think middle america deserves some honesty. look, everyone between the coastal states, we out here on the ocean sides throw around an attitude that most people from your neighborhood are fat, fried twinkie eatin', state fairin', nascarin', bible thumpin', casserolin', american flag print hammer pantsin', hillbillies. i'm sorry you had to find out this way. we don't mean any harm by it, and we don't really believe it. it's just kind of a funny thought. you know. like every one from california is a pot smoking hippie, or everyone from boston pronounces their vowels like they are getting a purple nurple. but here's the thing, tv programing is mostly produced to pander to everyone between california and new york, or at least to the stereotype of what that population is like.
did you know that when looking for news casters and voice talent, most networks and local stations look for people who sound like they are from "nowhere"? what's strange about this is that sounding like you are from "nowhere" means that you speak "general american", which, itself, means that your accent is a broad conglomeration of midwest accents, more desirably, nebraska, iowa, and illinois (not including the distinctive chicaaago accent).
what's more, tv is never created for the people it depicts. a show like sex and the city, for example, is not targeting the 40-50 something sex crazed cougar demographic, it's targeting the unmarried 20-30 something audience. why? because people don't watch tv because it's just like their lives, they watch it because they want to know what their lives should be like. tv doesn't respect you as a person, it respects you as either a commodity or a consumer (your consumerism is their commodity). they just want to sell you an image.
take king of queens. for a long time, and i'm sure, for years to come, the "sexy girl meets goofy schlub" formula has been key to sitcom tv. they did it in the honeymooners, and they still do it today. king of queens, however is a perfect example of my point, because fox has described the bachelor from fat bachelor, as being "a kevin james type, an average guy, large, but lovable". i find that to be an askew comparison to the fat bachelor, since kevin james' real wife, steffiana de la cruz, and his fake wife, carrie heffernan (leah remini), are both thin, confidant, "tv pretty" women. and in real life, kevin james is rolling in cash and fame, and on tv he can be married to jenna jameson, cinderella, or hilary clinton, for all he is concerned. he produces and writes the show, he can be married to all three if he likes.
meanwhile, that one fat woman who was on tv that one time, rosanne bar, was depicted as being married to john freakin' goodman, yet another fragile, simple minded, working class schlub.
so fat bachelor offers plus sized lonely women a chance to "love" a fat lonely man (men don't get the luxury of the term plus-sized. not my decision), and that's what's real, now? what's the lesson here? because the actual bachelor depicts desirable men as being beach muscled, fake tanned, economically successful, fratty, broesque douchbags. so obviously men are getting mixed messages about what our lives are supposed to be like. women on the other hand, are getting equally mixed messages, in that they have been told forever that they have to fit that air headed dependent supermodel mold, yet still be confidant, witty, and independent if they want prince charming to ride in on his white horse, and now they are being told that overweight, and desperate for love (men and women) is real?
let's break it down: unmarried men, playing the field: must be tv pretty, cookie cutter, prince charmings, education/intelligence optional. unmarried women: must be female equivalent of same. married men: out of shape, dimwitted, lazy, working class, scheming shmoes (i guess we get to let ourselves go once we've tied ourselves to that hot chick). married women: physically identical to unmarried women, only must be able to be main breadwinner, and exude confidence of intelligent, independent woman (despite the fact that you must be a helpless, ditzy, damsel in distress to land that prince in the first place. keep in mind he will turn into a toad, says tv, when you give him that "i do" kiss). which explains why marriage seems to be such a big deal to most of america. women can finally turn their brains back on, and men can turn their dignity off. everybody wins!
right?
so fat bachelor seeks to bring hope to all those people who can't seem to maintain that single person, tv pretty body. but does that mean that these contestants are real? reality doesn't rise and set on images you see on glowing boxes. the reality of a person comes from their heart and soul, their mind, their experience, and their ambitions.
so this time, your homework definitely doesn't involve watching any tv or movies, and it doesn't involve reading books, even though the point of this post is that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
your homework (this includes fat readers, skinny readers, readers that climb on rocks... even readers with chicken pox) is to find out who the real you is. go stand in front of a mirror (i'm not going to ask you to do it naked. this isn't fried green tomatoes. besides, the point of this exercise is to prove that you aren't your body. so go naked if that's your thing, but don't feel obligated) and don't look at your body, or your face, or any of those nagging little imperfections that only you know about. look yourself right in the eyes, and read yourself.
i bet you fall in love all over again.
and that's real.
