tiger woods made the oldest mistake in the book: he got married.

but he ain't a sex addict.

tiger woods has grown up a lot since he recently took a break from knocking his balls around.

he has negotiated a reconciliation with his trophy wife, he has converted back to buddhism, he is seeking therapy, his eyes have become chronically red and teary, and he has admitted to being a "sex addict".

mosteligiblemarriedmanontheplanet, say what?!

sex addict, he says.

i disagree.

first of all, sex addiction is not a psychological disorder as defined by the american psychiatric association's diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (it's a page turner). some "doctors" hope that the impending revision of the manual will include hypersexuality as a mental disorder, but full disclosure requires me to mention that i don't put much stock in a book that once listed homosexuality as a mental disorder, and calls obnoxious spoiled brat syndrome ADHD so they can sell prescription drugs to toddlers.

so, definitional parameters of the APA'sDASMOMD aside, let's consider what sexual addiction has meant in recent years...

a married man cheats on his wife.

were you waiting for more?

because there isn't.

hypersexuality is what people claim they have when they get caught fucking around on the side.

i couldn't help it, i have a disease.

spare me.

hell, wilt chamberlain fucked just about everything with a hole in it (prolly even some bitches from cleveland), and he's a legend, considered one of the best (little known fact, he also played basketball quite well). what's the difference between legendary beaver hunter wilt the stilt, and depraved sex junkie "swingin'" tiger woods?

chamberlain wasn't married.

nobody had to chase him down like the terminator and bust through the back window of his car because he told some cocktail waitress (no, really, she was going to be an actress...) that he wanted to beat that stuffin' up.

now i'm not saying it's wrong to get married, and i'm not saying it's okay to cheat.

what i am saying is that

a) wanting to have sex with multiple partners is not a mental dysfunction. it can't be. a mental dysfunction must be something that goes haywire with our natural programing. as living creatures on this planet, our greatest natural instinct is to create and preserve optimum conditions for breeding and expansion of the population of our species (don't believe me? then tell me: why is suicide illegal?). having sex with multiple partners is step one in creating optimum conditions for breeding, but do we really need to have the birds and the bees talk right now? it may not be kosher, or moral in a modern civil society to fool around on your wife, and it's never cool to be disrespectful to people with regards to sex (unless i, um... they like it... call me a bitch! say it!!), but the desire to have many partners is perfectly natural.

b) stay out of tiger woods' business, dick.

the only reason tiger is claiming to be a sex addict is because he is now forced to explain to the world why he would do such a thing, and frankly it's nobody's business but tiger and elin, and their two genetically perfect super babies.

and let me tell you one more thing...

if any of us was in tiger's position... if you or i was some hunky mulatto, stanford educated, bazillionaire athlete, with a flawless smile, our own classy but casual clothing line, and a fully loaded buick lacrosse that runs on pure charisma, i'd be willing to bet that more than most of us would either have done the same thing tiger did, or we would have gone the wilt chamberlain route, but very few would be doting mr mom types, who slog around our 7,000 sq foot mansion in ratty house slippers and tell the waitress at applebee's, "thank you for writing your phone number on your cleavage so i could see it when you bent over to refill my beer, but as you can see by my wedding band, i am a happily married gentleman, and after i inform the manager of your lascivious behavior, i will need to be calling my wife to apologize for engaging in conversation with a woman who attempted to lure me with her tender, impure flesh". hell no. you're tiger damn woods.

but that's just the problem.

he's tiger damn woods.

even if he did tell the waitress he was happily married, etc, some TMZ douche is still there to take a picture of a waitress with her tits in his face, while he talks to her, and when photos of tiger damn woods show up on TMZ, harvey levin is gonna be there suckling out of his over sized novelty 80's water bottle like some emaciated hairless rat, throwing out asinine "too cool" comments like, "tiger should have taken a mulligan on that one. or whatever. is that what they call it? a mulligan? i don't know anything about golf. i mean who watches golf anyway? like, old people?" guffaw guffaw guffaw from the painfully unironically unhip "journalists" in the room, "yeah, uh, like richard nixon," guffaw guffaw, "richards nixon's like, old and stuff," guffaw guffaw, "so what did john mayer have to say about it?" "hey i'm john mayer, and that nigga fucked up... it's cool i got a hood pass, but i don't fuck with no black bitches, cause my body is a wonderlaaaaa-a-ah-and."

sorry, i just sort of spun off into my own little TMZ skit right there.

back to the point.

here's how we make this tiger woods thing all better,

1) as a society, we shouldn't have this bizarre unnatural expectation that everyone is going to get married and have 2.5 kids and a dog, and a big house with an SUV in the garage, and that they will be happy with that. if people want to be swingin' singles, let them be swingin' singles, everybody finds happiness in a different way.

2) people who know they like them some sexual healin' don't get married, but especially don't have kids. that creates an ethical and moral quagmire.

3) as a society, don't accept things that go against a social norm as dysfunctional outright, and as someone who gets called out for going against a social norm, don't play victim and hide behind some "mental disorder" that you can't control. it's time to take some responsibility for our own lives. your kids are obnoxious brats? sack up and be a parent, damn it! don't just dose them and say it's a disease. you like fuckin'? marry someone you like to fuck, or don't fuckin' get married.

4) stay out of people's business, and don't be hypocritical. it's none of your concern what tiger woods does with his personal life. he's a public figure when he's at work, not any other time. chiding him for his sex life makes no more sense than scolding him for sleeping in too long, or skipping breakfast, or lifting with his back, or worrying if he's having regular solid bowel movements. and even if his personal life does leak out into the public eye, as is bound to happen, don't hassle the man. how would you like it if you got caught running a red light because you were talking on your cell phone (dialing and driving is illegal here in california, for you non-CA readers), and suddenly you were rushed into some press conference where people were pulling out all kinds of pictures of you talking and driving, and one time you were even eating a burrito with one hand, while you steered with the other, and people were calling you reckless, and telling you about how their sweet baby daughter was hit by someone who was talking on the phone while they were driving, and throngs of disappointed friends and family were shouting their disdain, and your legal advisor whispers in your ear, "tell them you're addicted to multitasking, and the danger of driving with one hand really gets you off."

well, now we're just getting ridiculous...

aren't we?