let's start with hot tub time machine, and pretend i haven't been gone for 2 months.
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so what was i saying?
oh yeah... hot tub time machine or, more specifically, john cusack, craig robinson, rob corddry, and some other dude travel back in time using a hot tub, or jah-coozy (of course. what are you simple?) and hijinx ensue involving chevy chase and crispin glover, where the four travelers end up hitting on their own mothers.
HORRRRRK!
that was meHOOOOOOORRRK!!
that was meOOP!
that was me projectile vomiting.
what can one say about this movie that hasn't already been posted on the imdb message boards? these are my favorite thread topics of the 5 that are currently on the hot tub time machine main page:
why is john cusack doing this?
crispin glover?
i think someone stole my idea here.
allow me to respond, internerds...
john cusack is doing this because it is potentially the crappiest movie of the year (an early contender, yes, but setting the bar very high. speaking of very high, probably get that way before trying to sit through this vomitious turd. i tip my hat to mr. kennemer for the word vomitious). john cussack was in being john malkovich, yes, but name one other halfway decent movie he has ever been in, and just because say anything has that iconic scene with the boom box in the front yard, doesn't make it a good movie.
john cusack has some sick need to see how far down hollywood will let him drag the film arts before they finally stop getting him work (what was that one where he adopted the alien toddler?). what's more, he's not just john cusack in this film. he's not just interdimensional john cusack. he's not just interdimensional john cusack in the 80's. in this film he's shirtless interdimensional john cusack in the 80's, and as the great sage larry said last night, "can i say that i'll never need to see john cusack without a shirt..."
yes you can, larry. yes you certainly can.
to address the second thread, crispin glover?
well... yeah. it's a time traveling movie about the 80's where people get sexy on their mothers. crispin glover has to be in it.
and as for the third thread, posted by one texHazard (his imdb user name), "i think someone stole my idea here."
let this one go, tex... just let it go.
meanwhile, i have liked almost every member of the daily show crew since even before john stewart, and i used to like the office as much as the next guy, but can someone try to make a comedy that isn't centralized on a cast that they ripped straight from the aforementioned (pleaaaaaase stop with john krasinsky)?
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oh, but since i've been gone there have been so many more loaves pinched on the american people.
how 'bout that health care?
uhhhh, mandate? what? how the...
we went from universal healthcare to it's illegal to not have private healthcare.
oops...
i guess bipartisanship means doing the exact opposite of what the american people need.
that's all i really have to say about that.
i've long been an advocate (read: since i knew what politics was) of locking all politicians in an asbestos filled building and burning the fucker to the ground, and this last year hasn't done much to change that.
last night i was watching an interview with some princeton professor who was saying that the "hope" we should have gotten from obama was not hope that he was anything but another politician, but hope that we, personally, can make some change in the world; some inspiration to run for office, or push for a promotion, or start a charity, or political organization, or an action committee, or just get out there and keep making a difference, until we've built the world that we deserve.
well, i think it bears emphasizing what falls between the lines in her comments: that when we don't take action, when we put forth no effort, we deserve the shit world that we get in return.
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while we're making segues with fecal metaphors, please tell me i'm not the only one who has seen the mcDonald's mac snack wrap.
the beauty of the mac snack wrap site is that it presents this gift wrapped loose bowel movement in front of textured wall paper and leather bound books, on a nicely set table with candles and table cloth, in a room with a fireplace and a "painting" of the mac snack crap above the mantle.
that's classy like bottled beer (wait, doesn't OE come in a bottle...?).
i almost expect alistair cooke to be sitting in the corner, smoking a pipe with his pants around his ankles, dropping a log (favorite new phraseology for pooping? "ripping a grumpy", thank you cleveland show!)
in case you need to know what the mac snack crap is, it's a big mac, cut in half, and stuffed into a tortilla.
i'd throw up, but i think hot tub time machine emptied me out. besides, i can't afford to get sick. kaiser won't cover me until i've cleared $1500 in hospital bills out of pocket.
if you really feel that you need to try this thing, might i suggest forgoing that urge, and opting for the more awesome mcGangbang? it's a whole mcChicken sandwich stuffed between the patties of a bigMac, in case you are too lazy to click the link i just posted (for the more daring, try the unprotected mcGangbang, or the mcWhitey).
to anyone that might buy this tempting new treat, what is wrong with you, you IMBECILE!!!?
it's a hamburger taco!!
it's one step away from hamburger taco pizza (they've got hamburger pizza, taco pizza, and hamburger taco. it's not a very big leap), and that's a little too close for comfort to something that hotPockets might shove into a microwaveable "crust".
at that point, gaffigan will have been oh so right when he said, "why not just take the hot pocket out of the pouch, and stick it directly in the toilet?"
no one ever listens to the clowns, but the clowns are always right.
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well, there is one clown that wasn't right.
one ass clown, to be more specific.
a mr. brett favre.
oh, you wanted to make that big statement, didn't you?
you wanted to shove it in everyone's face.
you wanted to go out on top, with a big "fuck you, i was right", didn't you?
well, i couln't have been more gleeful to watch his salt 'n' peppered face fall, when he realized that the last snap he may ever take as a professional quarterback ended in an interception that cost his team the conference championship.
oh sweet revenge. i guess when you shit on people, you'd be best advised to flush it all the way down, eh, fav-re?
but what i look forward to most is next season, when we have another inevitable favre waffle session, and we can all rest happily knowing that he's only doing it because the last two have blown up so gloriously in his face.
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speaking of retirement do overs.
hey, leno, fuck off, man.
conan was fuckin' shit up at 1130 (in a good way).
and your show was corny, hack, light beer, bullshit.
shall we start with kevin eubanks?
how about, tell kevin eubanks to shut the fuck up over there?
let's move on to a conan gag that was just oh so true: possible replacements for the leno 10pm time slot: baby picks the youTube clip, and monkey picks the youTube clip.
that's about the size of it, leno.
oh, but wait, he had celebrity jeopardy!. oh, but wait, SNL already had that like 10 years ago.
oh, but wait, he had such classic bits as [made up] google search results, and headlines (read: typos), and those clips with that one guy that you borrowed from another shitty NBC show, and that other guy who always pops up on shitty comedy central shows, and that one thing with the guy, and that whatever with what's his name, and who could forget his tired ass man on the street jaywalking schtick?
hopefully i can forget them, that's who.
hopefully i don't have to use that space in my brain to hold on to those memories for much longer.
then there was his 10@10, which he ironically did at the end of the show, at around 11 o'clock, and was a blatant rip off of craig kilborn's 5 questions, and yambo!, except when leno does it, he either leads the guest into some jackass answer that leno was really hoping for (a sad sorry attempt at jay playing straight man) or he simply gives them 3 answer choices, which cancel out the need to drag some unsuspecting "celebrity" into a studio to participate in the stupid bit.
and how about that whole, "feel sorry for me/NBC sucks" act that he put on?
was anybody buying that?
after he screwed letterman, then pulled the old poop screw switch-a-roo on conan?
i'm certainly not buying that act.
the sad thing is, i knew 1 minute into the first episode of his 10pm show that it fellated massive hairy animal meat missile, and how! and yet one must know his enemy if he wishes to defeat him, so a smattering of watchings throughout his short primetime career has brought me to these conclusions.
i hope none of you subjected yourselves to the same painful research experiment.
it only took one viewing of his cheesy ass, 1980's comedy central presents-style intro montage to know that this show was about to poop on my senses for the next hour, and certainly wasn't about to warm up the crowd for the brilliant señor conando.
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one more thing from the bargain bin before i start work on a more centrally focussed post:
FIAT was chrysler's great white hope for salvation?
good stuff, sergio!
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