retooling the tonight show, one tool at a time.

i wouldn't call myself a jay leno fan.

well, ok, maybe that's going to far...

i would say that i hate jay leno's comedy. ok, that's a little more reasonable.

yet, somehow, like so many other things, i have seen enough of, or heard enough about it to be able to speak on it. so here i go: jay leno's WHCD schtick was totally recycled, and i knew that even before politico released this little nugget. dude, leno, your corny. hang it up, man.

look, leno, i know you're a comedian, and too be fair, you certainly ripped on the bush administration enough, but i feel like you don't know how to walk that line between lampooning the absurd, or the unfortunate, or the idiotic, and making disparaging comments that will actually hurt the cause of something positive.

this of course is only my opinion of what is positive, but i don't think that there's any subjectivity to the statement that leno skews way right these days, and his comedy doesn't just push obama toward good things by publicly shaming him where he fails, but also publicly scolds him where he succeeds, and creates a leno fan base that (often too ignorant to get their news anywhere else) will have a warped view of this administration. now, call it what you will, liberal double standard, hypocrisy, but i just feel like bush didn't do much good in the world, while obama is trying to. where leno's bush years comedy was more like pointing out the obviously comical, his obama years comedy is off in the realm of taking fox news talking points and dumbing them down (watch his show, discover that it is possible) into a bonehead one-liner formula.

so what could we have expected when he gets the political comedy gig of a lifetime, and doesn't even bother to write new material?

"cash for flunkers", jay? seriously?

that joke is hardly even funny the first time around. even if you consider things that simply rhyme to be funny, this joke is pretty elementary.

and he's standing in front of the most elite crowd of the year, dumpster diving through his own old, hack material.

comedically speaking, obama wrecked leno.

much like i advocate making dubbya and palin the new host and hostess of the wheel of fortune (because he is good at asinine banter with simpletons, and she might be able to recognize the english alphabet if it were presented to her, one letter at a time, on giant glowing TV screens) i say, give obama the tonight show. he's charismatic, smooth, funny, and he knows a thing or two about current events. meanwhile, leno is pointing out typos in small town penny-saver ads, poorly ripping off SNL skits, still dunking on paris hilton (yep... still), cackling his way through his completely hacked "jay walking" man-on-the-street bits, and sticking his tongue up celebrities asses.

what's more, i can stand to listen to obama's voice for more than 3 consecutive seconds. leno, on the other hand, gets the dogs in my neighborhood all worked up, and then i'm listening to blood curdling squealing from all directions (yeah, that's right, leno's voice sounds like the loosing party in a chihuahua fight).

and frankly, i'll take gaffin' joe on guitar any day over kevin eubanks. fuck, man, eubanks is such a toooooooool. but even better, lets go trans-administration. let's get gaffin' joe in the announcer booth, and get slick willy clinton on sax as the band leader. at least gaffin' joe can put a sentence together. can't say as much for stuttering john. besides, with slick willy as side-kick, all the jokes about chasing young tail will ring comically true, not just creeppily plausible, like with eubanks.

obama set up shop on leno's face at the WHCD.

come on, man, "you know what really tickles me? ... eric massa." that's fucking gold.

"true love is the hardest thing to find... well, that and a birth certificate" dude, that's conan level self-deprecation right there.

having recently had the chance to see conan o'brien live, i can comfortably say that there is no one i'd rather watch on late night TV.

he truly was the rightful heir to the tonight show throne.

but that throne has been sullied. sullied by leno and his tired ass captain sully jokes, and conan doesn't want it anymore. so fine, i will follow coco to TBS. he has more than earned my adoration. but as for leno, by presidential decree, i say we air drop his ass out in the middle of the sahara with kevin eubanks, stuttering john, and nothing but one of his old stanley steamer million dollar classic cars with the water tank running low.

it could be a new NBC reality show. now that's a leno i'd watch in the 10PM slot.

the incredible mr O doesn't care what you think (until we actually tell him what we think. like that one time, when we all thought he would be a good president), and i like that about the guy.

sometimes it takes a person with the pelotas to implement an unpopular or controversial idea to grease the wheels of progress.

he's not about to kowtow to a bunch of rubes who pick apart every little thing he says and place it under an electron microscope. i mean, how ballsy was it for him to promise to bring us the one axiom of existence that we cannot anyway avoid?

i'm talking about change people.

and who among us can say with 100% certainty that we have never, nor would ever, declare one of our athletic deficiencies worthy of the special olympics?

my concern is not that mr O is uncomfortable being himself when it comes to public relations.

my concern is that mr O is not uncomfortable being himself when it comes to public relations.

look, the guy's under serious scrutiny, here. he can't afford to let gaffin' joe rub off on him now. sure, it's funny when you or i say, "hey, i bowl like a retard". but there's an awful lot of people out there, who are going to blow this out of proportion when the president says it.

so some moron cop arrests a guy for being black in his own house, and suddenly we have to have a beer bash at the moon tower? this doesn't seem like the smartest move.

first of all, it sets a dangerous precedent. now every time somebody has a problem with the way their lives are going, they are going to expect the president to respond to the issue, and he has much more important things to do than help you find your car keys. hey, simpletons, just because you were late to work because road maintenance backed up traffic on the interstate, don't expect mr O to hold a press conference reprimanding the DOT for not staying the fuck out of your way. and i don't care if the safeway didn't have any decent bananas, i don't want to hear that obama called an emergency produce summit between the FDA, NAFTA, and the farm workers of america. there's real problems going on in the world, and i'm not saying race relations in america isn't one of them, but treating two pouting idiots like bickering toddlers, and forcing them to kiss and make up is not going to solve the problem, in fact, it might cause more problems than it even addresses. meanwhile, people are starving, dying, fighting, and suffering for real, all over the world, and bono can't hug all of them himself. mr O has more pressing items on his agenda than putting a band-aid on your ouchie.

to stay on the subject of dangerous precedents, my second concern is that this will fan the flames of america's arrested development. we are already a nation of pathetic midlife crises. we are such an immature, self important group of a-holes to begin with, that i don' think we need the president offering to play daddy to our mundane disputes. hey, i think it's a great idea to resolve issues by sitting down like sensible people, and discussing them in a friendly manner, but this is something grown ass people should already know how to do. i don't care who the president is, he or she is not here to teach us how to shake hands and apologize. we're adults now, and it's time for us to take responsibility for our own lives. don't go crying to mommy every time life isn't going your way, when the way to resolve the problem is obviously just to be a big boy and figure it the fuck out yourself, or, here's a thought, get over it. shit happens. we're not going to get an apology from the universe every time something goes wrong, and we don't need reparations for every little thing.

my third and final concern is this: they say you never talk about religion or politics at a party. well, for a guy who has already proven that he can't get away with insinuating that he is a retarded bowler, or using any form of the modifier "stupid", or showing any sort of respect to the leaders of other countries without the whole country jumping down his throat, maybe it's not the best idea to invite the media to film you getting drunk and talking about race relations...

...and for the love of god, don't invite biden to the party.