halitosis busters cream pie brigade! hey, stinky, dentyne ice wants you to raw dog it.

sure, i could bring you the news, but...

in the true spirit of the arbitrary, i bring you not commentary on the news, but rather commentary on the commercials that bring us the news.

now, to the untrained eye, this blog might appear to be mostly about industrialized food and the porn industry, but i find that notion a little... hard... to... swallow.

face it, it only seems that way because most of our lives are spent dealing with sex or food, keeping in mind of course that beer is industrialized food, and you are only drinking it because sexy women told you to, when you bought your car you considered how many cup holders it had and/or how many women would be more likely to fuck you when you casually uttered the phrase e-class, and you watch football and stuff your face with giant sauce covered sausages because you have secret deep seeded homo-erotic tendencies that need to manifest themselves somehow (that tight end really knows how pound it up the middle... hey, wanna see how many hot links i can fit in my mouth?). by the way, the reason you watch football may be the same reason you deep fry your twinkies, because you have a need to overcompensate for the fact that you are eating a banana flavored (true) cream filled cake phallus called a twinkie made by a company called hostess, who's mascot wears nothing but spurs, a cowboy hat, and a neckerchief with hearts on it, he wants to tie you up, and boats that "you get a big delight in every bite!".

and you have to deep fry them like a "real man" to justify how much you enjoy putting them in your mouth, you sick repressed self loathing bastard. oh, hello, awkward thanksgiving. i didn't see you come in.

speaking of things i didn't see you come in.

dentyne ice has a little something to say about safe sex.

it's stupid.

come on, guys and gals. how lame is it to put on a condom, or take the pill?

what's really important is that your future baby mama or daddy has nostril stingingly intense fresh breath.

at least that's the message i get from their new ad campaign featuring little vignettes of people about to get their fuck on, at which point the woman insinuates that the man get something for protection, and the man is apparently prompted to whip out a pack of dentyne (or bum a pack off of his man whore roommate, who of course, keeps a pack in his nightstand drawer for all those minty taste-tastic one night stands).

ok, so maybe i'm not reading enough into this (threw ya a curve there, didn't i?).

maybe dentyne ice is some sort of great new method of contraceptive.

maybe...

breath mints are supposed to enhance oral sex, which i guess deters people from the more penetrative bun in the oven kind.

or maybe you're supposed to chew up a big ol' wad of it and cram it in the woman's vagina like a diaphragm.

or maybe just one little piece packed up against her cervix like a today sponge.

or maybe she's supposed to chew it up, blow a bubble with it, and then roll it on the guy's dick with her mouth like how a prostitute puts on a condom.

perhaps ticTacs are really meant to be little penis corks.

perhaps listerine breath strips are to be used like some sort of dental dam.

perhaps the intense menthol sensation is supposed to burn your genitals until you never ever want to use them for pleasure again.

any way you slice it, if breath fresheners are supposed to be used as prophylactics, it would certainly explain why altoids taste like spermicide smells.

in re:

magic bullet express not just the name of bristol palin's upcoming abstinence education tour bus...

though it wasn't really the subject of my mr t made me a vegetarian... (06-06-09) post, there is news on the magic bullet front. the one time only child, countertop mini blender/juicer/whole meal in liquid form ambassador, the magic bullet, has a morbidly obese younger brother, the magic bullet express.

the magic bullet express boasts an array of culinary skills. this magic bullet doesn't stop at putting a bun in your oven in 15 minutes or less. the express claims it can have you stuffing pizza down your pie hole in 90 seconds or less. 90 seconds? i don't think i want a pizza that goes from ingredients to digestion in 90 seconds. as brian regan says, "i don't need to be wakin', eatin' and haulin' that fast. if you need to microwave a pop tart, it might be time to loosen up your schedule. maybe pick up a couple montana brochures."

but the results appear edible. dare i say, delicious? it does, after all, make post-op lobotomy patients climax in their pants. or so one would assume from the look on the models' faces as they taste test the delicious morsels that come rocketing out of the bullet express' food cannon. one can only hope that those morsels don't rocket out of their esacpe hatches with quite so much urgency.

although the express does have a food cannon attachment, it is, confusingly enough, much larger, slower, and more cumbersome than the original bullet. perhaps they should have named it the magic missile. then again, that name might be a little too violent and phallic. they're already walking a pretty thin line with magic bullet, a name that arouses images of presidential assassinations, werewolves, and accidental pregnancies (and not just in people missing their frontal lobe while sampling 60 second new york cheese cake).

levi johnson knows what i'm talkin' about... he got a one way ticket the hell out of wasilla, on the magic bullet express (it's like the polar express, only less scary tom hanks, and more scary john mccain).

meanwhile, if your daughter is dating a guy named levi johnson, there are just some things you have to see coming (apparently bristol just had to see it coming...). the only way i could see that pregnancy being more ironic yet easy to predict is if his name was actually trouser snake.

next time on in re:

sarah palin calls the circus' comments "perverted" and "offensive". the circus responds, "really? more perverted and offensive than 5 hardcore gangbang scenes, and zero condoms in who's nailin' paylin??"

you're gonna have to learn to pick your battles, if you want the most powerful job in the world, lady.